Back in the day when the Notorious B.I.G. wrote Lil’ Kim’s rhymes she was good. So good in fact that people were willing to look past the fact that she was half-naked all the time – although for some it could quite possibly count as a fringe benefit. Then for some reason (some speculate silicon leakage) Kim traded in her talent and hunger for more commercialism and a cheap set of pasties.

Track Listing
1. Lil’ Drummer Boy
2. Custom Made (Give It To You)
3. Who’s Number One
4. Suck My D**k
5. Single Black Female
6. Revolution
7. How Many Licks
8. Notorious KIM
9. No Matter What They Say
10. She Don’t Love You
11. Queens B*tch Pt. 2
12. Don’t Mess With Me
13. Do What You Like
14. Off The Wall
15. Right Now
16. Aunt Dot
17. Hold On
18. I’m Human

This album is difficult to review – mostly because it’s so terrible throughout the entire thing. The first words you hear on the album are on a song called Lil’ Drummer Boy and I think they set the tone for the album: ”Excuse me your honor/ May I approach the bench?/ They tryin to assassinate me/ Like they did to Larry Flint.” Yikes. What’s so funny about Lil’ Kim is that none of the things she says are believable, you picture her topless and in a thong , not in the hood being shot at or experiencing any type of drama. Even worse on this song is the drum machine, even worse than that is Lil’ Kim singing – think it can’t get any more worse? Redman and Cee-lo guest on this big piece of garbage.

Who’s Number One? comes close to being good, that is at least until Kim starts rapping. Suck My D*ck is actually the name of a track, not that anyone should be surprised by anything that Kim says ever. Relying heavily on Me & My B*tch by Biggie, this one isn’t bad - just kidding it’s terrible too. From the pseudo sitar playing to the lame rhymes – it’s all bad.

The production on the album gets a C-. Musically, some of the songs are strong (although they borrow heavily) but the lyrics mess it up. On Single Black Female, they dig in the vault and sample The Sweetest Taboo by Sade. Blasphemous as it is to sample Sade in the first place, but to do it and for it to not be good is just awful.

I can’t even resist taking shots at How Many Licks? featuring Sisqo. Actually, I don’t even have to take shots at him, mention the name Sisqo and the joke pretty much tells itself. I’m really upset that the Rockwilder produced Notorious K.I.M. - I would have expected so much more from him. On this one Kim shouts ”Stop paying these n*ggas to write your sh*t/ For the right cream/ I’ll write a hot 16”. What’s laughable about those lyrics is that it’s obviously a shot at Foxy Brown whose rhymes Jay-Z used to write. Frankly – I think Kim could benefit from another ghost writer (someone who writes your rhymes and pretends that they didn’t and gets paid). There’s also a stab at Shyne - once hailed as Biggie’s replacement, Kim disses him for sounding like Biggie. I don’t know why or how you justify punishing someone for sounding like someone else – like Shyne chose his voice.

No Matter What They Say was the only good song on this album – and that’s a shame because it’s not that great. It must be a Guinness World Record, because they sampled 4 songs on this one. Off The Wall features Lil’ Cease. Featuring to me implies that what you’re doing is special or good – Cease’s appearance is neither. For the record I’d like for the rappers to cease and desist on the diminutive Lil’ in front of their names, it’s silly – stop it. The best thing about Right Now is Carl Thomas. The song is a corny play off of Suzanne Vega’s Tom’s diner and it’s pretty awful.

There isn’t one thing that just makes this album so bad – it’s the culmination of lots of things. Bad rhyming, lame guest appearances, spotty production – nothing works. Hopefully Kim will take the lack of success on this album, chalk it up as a loss and just continue her dream, which is to turn herself into a living human black Barbie doll.

Great Music To Play While: Chewing Your Leg Off

Recommended: No