I dream about a man
Who's a mix of all the Bond guys
Just a little pinch of Russell's wild style
With Colin Firth's smile
Add in a body like Dennis Quaid's
You got the star of
My liquid dreams...

--

Oh, wait, sorry. Is that just my version? Oops... Anyway, there are times in this musical world that make us cry. There are times that make us dance. There are times that make us rock out. There are times that put us to sleep... There are times we laugh uncontrollably until our throats are sore. O-Town was one of those times. The musical bitches of Puffcoat Sean Coombs DaddyDiddyP.D., O-Town was the first result of his insipid Making the Band reality show on MTV. The premise is easy: find some talented wannabe back-up dancers with nothing all that special and make them fight against each other in a body-glitter challenge for the ages! Almost an entire decade later, Making the Band produced another band of corporate musical puppets with no soul or point of view known as Danity Kane. To date, these two acts are the two most successful and well-known, creating a legacy that adds up to the complete antithesis of art.

I hate you, Puff Daddy.

O-Town was a bastardized version of the Backstreet Boys and 98 Degrees, coming up short in the longrun but leaving behind an unforgettable piece of pop shit known as Liquid Dreams. This generic pimple on the ass of pop music drills its way into your head with a chorus comprised solely of name dropping and it never leaves you alone. Intriguing you with all the celebrities listed in this bubblegum sourball, you will probably listen to it quite a few times to figure them all out, and then the melody will sign up a lease for at least the next six months. The boys in the band definitely have a talent for singing, blending their silky-smooth vocals into a mellow delivery that strangely works. They are definitely talented, but it doesn't save them from the fact that this song is moronically written from the point of view of an eleven year old. I don't know about you, but I never thought that I would ever have to hear a song marketed toward tweens that is candidly and frankly about a wet dream.

If you are over the age of twelve and you use your little bottle of lotion reguarly like every other man in the universe, then the chances of you being able to relate to this hysterically awful pop song are slim to none (and just how big was their male fanbase again?): "I dream about a girl who's a mix of Destiny's Child / Just a little pinch of Madonna's wild style / With Janet Jackson smile." Well, ain't that just peachy. The song stays at a consistent drone that never escalates so much as just blisters. By the end, one of the singers goes into full-on Michael Jackson mode, attempting to hit that all powerful screech nowhere near as close to the original. The MJ hiccups are embarrassing, and though imitation is the sincerest form of flattering, it is also the most cringe-worthy. I'm sure the boys meant no harm and we just hypnotized by Puffy's shiny, Swarovski-encrusted sunglasses, but O-Town and their immature Liquid Dreams are a prime example of everything that is wrong with music today.


VERDICT
Get a spine, get some personality, and get something to stay. Until then, you are not an artist, and the fact that iTunes, Amazon, and Zune can label you as such is a disgrace to my ears.

01. Liquid Dreams [0 Stars]

SCORE: 1 SKULL (0.0+ )

P.S. Yes, that opening statement does reflect the man of my rather bone-dry dreams.

Recommended: No