Pretentious Music.

I hate it.

It seems like the new "in" thing to do for internet hip-hop fans is to suck the proverbial cocks of these "futuristic" and "experimental" hip-hop acts and quite honestly it's annoying. I'll be the first guy to say that I enjoy new and fun things as well as creativity, and when an artist seeks to broaden his or her musical boundaries, I'm all for it. However, when we get a group of nobodies propping up out of the dirt with music that sounds like you're listening to Atari 2600, then we've got problem.

I'll be the first to say that I enjoy Mr. Lif's extremely visual and thought-provoking metaphor-laced songs and Canibus' scientific, vocabulary-riddled rhymes, but when somebody craps nonsense from their anus claiming to be the "future" of hip-hop when all they do is drop beats that sound like distorted ham radios and lyrics that make no sense and take no talent, then we've got a problem. I'd rather hear "I'll battle you in the flesh" than "horses make noises like dead dogs, hogs, flowers, candy // I've got castrophied lung enhancers with monitoring devices dandy". No thanks, we get enough of that from Ghostface.

I honestly don't understand how people can sit there and claim that artists like Latryx and El-P are brilliant. Why? Because they spit out contrived, nonsensical lyrics that don't fit together just for the sake of sounding overly intelligent? Is it because they've purposely lowered the audio quality so you can barely hear the vocals just to be unique? Is it because you'll hear them both rapping at the same time, making it freaking impossible to listen to? Is it because they make YOU make yourself think you're more intelligent because you listen to "The Scorpion Clan of the Catacombs" as opposed to a simple Nas record? Typically, I have no problem with this, but when you've got somebody looking down on you because you like a certain song or album and the shit they listen to is bullshit pretentious hip-hop from a bunch of guys who have nothing better to do than play with a sound machine and combine a bunch of noises and claim its music; okay now we've got a problem.

As I've been saying, we've got a problem, and one of the problems is cLOUDDEAD.

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cLOUDDEAD, and why they suck...

cLOUDDEAD is an underground trio which is worse than any commercial group in existence today (yes, worse than Lil Jon and the Eastside Boys). Odd Nosdam, Doseone, and Why? are the names of the group members, and just by reading the names you can tell these guys are pretentious as can fucking be. It seems like cLOUDDEAD were deprived of television, women, and food as kids, and simply sat there playing with beads and legos, doing algebra problems, and staring at the ceiling. At least, that's what their music sounds like: boring.

Their debut "album" (which isn't even an album, it is more like a compilation) cLOUDDEAD is supposed to evoke emotions through an eclectic style much like Pink Floyd and Jimmy Hendrix before them. Only difference is, Hendrix and Pink Floyd were actually good. No, cLOUDDEAD are a group of talentless bastards who claim to be some sort of new style of hip-hop, and nothing could be further from the truth. I'm all for new and fresh styles, but this is not hip-hop... it's nonsensical gibberish, and these fartknockers actually pass this nonsense as music.

Take "Apt A Part 1" and "Apt A Part 2" for instance. All you hear is some drums and percussion kicking in, and everything is fine, until the vocals come in. Remember Latryx's nonsensical, unlistenable high-pitched nerdy singing? Well it's in full form here. You can hear them I guess... rapping... but it just sounds so bad that it makes me want to commit sodomy on a racoon. You can barely make out anything that they are saying in the background, and when you can, it usually makes no sense. Ridiculous dribble about salt water and breathing or some shit, and if it's trying to be some kind of "extremely deep and meaningful metaphor", it's so bad that I don't care. I choose not to sit there for hours and try to decipher the hidden "binary code" style of rap that these guys constantly deliver and pass off as music. Funny that I say binary code, since all of their songs are rated either 1 or 0. Hah, and I don't even do 0s anymore.

I'd rather munch the vagina of a haggard old woman who hasn't bathed in five years than claim this was "good" music.

Next is the "All You Can Do Is Laugh" series, and no, it doesn't get better. More of that worthless synthesizer kicks in, with some background rapping that you can barely make out. What is the point of listening to lyrics that you can't hear? To be pretentious and pretend you can? Oh yes, that must be it. They soon kick in to a strange rap about former Presidents, which I'm guessing is some kind of contrived political statement they want to throw in there to be "trend setters". The only trend they're setting is possibly breaking a record for putting people to sleep faster than anything. This should be called "Nyquil: The Album". More samples soon come in with senseless electric sound effects. It's very hard to actually describe this because it's just so unique and crappy. Just imagine listening to gibberish and some guy in the background with taped glasses on and a pocket protector trying to describe life. Bullshit personified.

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Geek Rap.

The more I listen to this pretentious geek rap, the more I realize that Doseone, Odd, and Why? were concieved during an Earthquake and dropped off a cliff at the age of 2. Have you ever heard music that is so bad that it makes you angry? That's what this crap is. "I Promise To Never Get Paint on My Glasses Again" is as geeky as it gets, with the trio trying to rap like they're going to war and once again, you can't understand one fucking thing they're saying.

This begs the question: is this really music or did cLOUDDEAD take a tape recorder underwater and record the "sounds of the deep"? Bottom line is, any idiot can do this, and where is the talent in that? Of course, every pretentious, neo-buffoon on pitchfork.com will instantly hail this as a classic while I'm the background vommiting all over their lunch meat.

Of course, you're bound to have you're typical 16 year old pretentious wanna-be backpacker claim that I don't "understand", and that "Jimmybreeze" is really just a "schizophrenic combination of unique vocals, estranged soundscapes, and bafflingly metaphoric rhymes", but when the music itself is so bad that it honestly gives you a stomach ache (like it did for me), then who in God's name cares what they mean. I don't care if cLOUDDEAD has within their music the secret to immortality, as it stands, it redefines the term: unlistenable. You really can't listen to it without hating it unless you're living in your own fantasy world of flowers, love, and candy where wars don't exist and we all kiss and hug each other in the park. Hey asshole, wake up and smell the weed.

"Cloud Dead #5 Part 1" and "Cloud Dead #5 Part 2" follows more of the same trends; overuse of synthesizer effects and idiotic, wanna-be virtuous sounds. You'll have to excuse the fact that I'm not going in depth about each song like I normally do, mainly because there's really nothing to go in depth about. Every single song on the album has the exact same sound style, the same retarded sampling, the same geeky, low-quality vocals, and the same arrogant, unorthodox attitude. Indeed folks, cLOUDDEAD may be the most boring album I have ever heard since came out of my mother. I would rather snort ants up my nose than... well you know the rest.

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The Born-Again Crowd.

I remember reading on one web site that they claimed that "heads just ain't ready" for cLOUDDEAD, but I disagree. I think that the proper term is "heads just don't care". That's right we don't. And to clear up any confusion, a hip-hop head isn't just someone who likes old-school/underground, it's someone who likes ANY hip-hop music, including commercial. We honestly don't care about cLOUDDEAD's ability to play with a synthesizer and speak words about the "inner consciousness of circus creature children from Mars". No thanks, I believe in good music.

"Bike Part 1" is laughable. I mean really, it makes me laugh. It starts with the trio making random vocal noises like babies, trying to beatbox but sounding ridiculously untalented while doing it, and it makes me laugh. I guess hearing grown men act like children is funny, and granted a lot of the material on this album is childish because any 10 year old can do this with a Casio keyboard and fingers... but I digress. The song segues into the trio trying to be Bone Thugs, with a triple-cadence flow where they say, pretty much nothing, it then segues into another overly synthesized, headache inducing piece where they sing NOTHING. THEY SING NONSENSE. THEY JUST MAKE NOISES. IT'S FREAKING TERRIBLE PEOPLE! I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF (again).

Oh, and remember the same reviewer who said "heads ain't ready"? Did I mention he also claimed that: "'Pretentious' has long just become shorthand for 'I don't have time to get it.'" No. How about the real definition: pretentious is something that tries so hard to be different and is praised to be different just to be different than the norm, then when it discovers how different it is, it becomes arrogant and thinks it's better than everything. We have many emcees who are pretentious. We have many reviewers here who are pretentious. I'm sure you know at least one or two people who are pretentious, and yeah, it's a nuisance.

The last song, "Bike Part 2" is no better than anything, and this has now become the official worst underground album in history; bar none. This is cow manure, but luckily it's only about 39 seconds and acts morelike a skit than anything. You can take this to the bank: all the nerds on Pitchfork.com (the most snottiest and biased web site on the Internet, by the way) love this kind of music and praise it as "intelligent" and "futuristic" when it's really void of any substance at all, and I'm sure they loooooooooooooove this album (I haven't taken, or should I say wasted, the time to go there and check myself) and will praise it to the ends of the Earth. Don't believe them.

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Shit will always be shit.

cLOUDDEAD have a fanbase of about 10 people, and it's easy to see why. This isn't music here ladies and gents, this is the sounds of having your bones digested for one thousand years in the Sarlacc Pit. This is having an abortion and finding out you were impregnated by a squid. This is discovering that your mother is actually the daughter of a Nazi, one-eyed midget from Kentucky. This... is musical bad luck. cLOUDDEAD is at the forefront of being pretentious, and you get the feeling these guys need to get into a good fight and get smashed to wake up from their dreams of clouds and sunken ships for making an album as bad as cLOUDDEAD. Honestly, cLOUDDEAD should never claim that they are hip-hop again. I'm sure some of you bitter folks out there are mumbling "well who is he to say what is and isn't hip-hop". Well look here slapnuts, just listen to the album and you'll see. Better yet, don't. It'll save you the money and neckpains of checking into an insane asylum for trying to bite your own jugular.

1 Star

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Tracklist & Rating:

1. Apt. A Part 1 (1 Star)
2. Apt. A Part 2 (1 Star)
3. All You Can Do Is Laugh Part 1 (1 Star)
4. All You Can Do Is Laugh Part 2 (1 Star)
5. I Promise To Never Get Paint on My Glasses Part 1 (1 Star)
6. I Promise To Never Get Paint on My Glasses Part 2 (1 Star)
7. Jimmybreeze Part 1 (1 Star)
8. Jimmybreeze Part 2 (1 Star)
9. Cloud Dead #5 Part 1 (1 Star)
10. Cloud Dead #5 Part 2 (1 Star)
11. Bike Part 1 (1 Star)
12. Bike Part 2 (1 Star)






MORE OF THE SAME CRAP:

cLOUDDEAD - Ten

Latryx - Latryx the Album

Aesop Rock - Bazooka Tooth


Recommended: No