I wanted to like the Lizzie McGuire movie soundtrack. For a little while, I went into denial over the complete lack of musical talent and tricked myself into believing that it was good, perhaps because I didn’t want to admit that I shelled out $16.79 at Hastings for a CD of crap. I will admit that I am a fan of the television program Lizzie McGuire and the Disney channel as a whole probably a lot more so than most twenty-somethings. When I heard that a Lizzie movie was being made, I filed the fact away to save for a rainy day. That day, or rather, night, came two weeks ago, when I wound up going to see “The Lizzie McGuire Movie.” Let’s just say my roommates and I were the oldest one’s there not chaperoning someone under the age of 12.

Contained within the light-hearted, ‘tween oriented comedy, was a song that caught my attention, entitled What Dreams are Made Of. Now, being a person who is picky on English grammar, I should have known it was a bad sign when the song titled ended in a preposition, but I let that slide. The song itself, at least the original version, is a slow, piano-driven love ballad sung as a duet between the characters Paulo and Isabella/Lizzie. On the screen, the duo had about as much chemistry as a 16 year old girl (Hillary Duff) playing a 14 year old girl should not have with her male counterpart. I’m not typically drawn to sappy love songs, but in a moment of Disney-inspired weakness, I though it was cute. With lyrics such as “I could almost kiss the stars for shining so bright,” what could possibly be offensive? Why, it’s so nice and neat and squeaky clean! I just had to listen to it again! So, after the movie ended, I made my friends stop with me on the way home so I could pick up the CD. Mind you, this was mere days after I made a list of “things I will not buy,” which included, among other things, pop, coffee, and CD’s, in order to save money. In fact, I had not paid full price for a CD for a long, long, long time. After buying this soundtrack, I certainly remembered the value of restraint.

The soundtrack consists of 13 songs, although there are two versions of two of the songs and one track is instrumental. One word to describe the album would be pop. Another would be teen. And yet another would be crap. Except maybe for the Dean Martin song that is blatantly out of place, so that would be described as a bad choice. That’s right, I don’t think there is anything here worth buying. I will most likely be selling back my CD for cash, and recommend you saving your money instead of getting it in the first place.

The first and last tracks are the original version and McMix remix version of Why Not, sung by Hilary Duff. There are both typical, safe, upbeat teen-pop songs with general lyrics, “why not do a crazy dance” (I don’t know, why not?!) and a programmed sound. Ilk. I really cannot tell any difference at all between the remix and original except that the remix is sped up a little, make it 8 seconds shorter (2:50 vs 2:58).

Also included is a cover of Blondie’s The Tide is High done by a trio of singers known as the Atomic Kittens, 3 girls in their early twenties. Now, I am a bit of a Blondie fan myself, so I think this cover is rather worthless, sort of like A-Teens were to Abba. Plus, they added in some dippy lyrics into the middle. Come on, they couldn’t have save them for an original song?

The Ballad version of What Dreams are Made Of, the reason I purchased this CD, lasts a disappointed 1:43! That’s not a length for a real song! They couldn’t at least do a little expounding?! Frankly, I was very disappointed with this track, especially since it follows the horrid early-90’s-dance-mix-wanna-be All Around the World by the Cooler Kids. Oh yes, they are cool alright, their website says that this song “rides a tidal wave of strobing synth riffs washing over an anthemic disco-funk groove – all of which supports a playful lead vocal courtesy of Sisely Treasure.” Um, right. More like, rides a tidal wave of suck.

Back to the tiny songlette, though; the singing itself is not bad, but I have come to realize that the line, “when I see you smiling I go, oh, oh, oh” is utterly ridiculous! I go oh, oh, oh? Did the writers hit a roadblock? I can see it now, “Gee guys, what would a fake Italian pop star say after singing ‘I go’?” “Hmm, I don’t know, let’s just stick some oh’s on the end and hope the little girls listening won’t catch on.” Yes, I know I am a fool for buying this, but I am not stupid!

Now, there is a full-out 4-minute dance version of the song later on the album, sung entirely by Ms. Duff. This, again, sounds like very generic, synthesized, over-produced teen-pop music. There are weird vocal echoes placed at random that sound as though they were stuck in without any real purpose. In the movie, this version of the song plays a prominent role at the climax, wherein Lizzie, after a mere week of preparation, performs it relatively flawlessly in front of the whole world, on stage at the Coliseum. Yes, the place slaves were fed to lions. Somewhere inside of me, I just can’t see that as being respectful.

There is more junk too. Jump 5’s cover of You Make Me Feel Like a Star sounds too squeaky clean and has no soul! Then we have a song entitled Volare by Vitamin C. I have had a beef with this Vitamin C chick ever since she just had to release the uber-corny Friends Forever graduation-themed song a few months before my high school graduation. That meant, of course, that it had to be our class song, and I had to restrain my desire to jab my finger through my eye into the sound-receptor’s of my brain every time it was played that spring (which was a lot). So I pretty much refuse to listen to Miss C. I played this track once and that was enough. More annoying, over-produced, meaningless slop.

Also, in regard to Supermodel by Taylor Dayne, this is a song that I have heard hundreds of times in my life, but never intentionally, and I never felt the need to own it on CD. Open Your Eyes to Love by LMNT could have been a hit 10 years ago when now-obsolete boy groups such as All-for-One were crooning away, but now the sound is just dated in a bad way. Girl in the Band is an awkward-sounding lame wanna-be rock song by Haylie Duff, real-life sister to Lizzie, and this has to be a shameless plug if I ever saw one. There is even a note saying that this was not featured in the movie, lame-o.

Who thought that it would be a good idea to include On An Evening in Roma by Dean Martin? Last time I checked, most 5-14 year old didn’t know who he was nor did they care to listen to him. The album won’t change things. Too bad that the best song here is being used as filler.


Recommended: No

Great Music to Play While: Exercising