The latest critical darlings of the music press hail from Las Vegas, though I'm sure they (they being the music press) would prefer you to believe that they really were from England, or hell, really, anywhere but Las Vegas.

The Killers have broken through to some mainstream success for two reasons: Somebody Told Me, the first single from their debut record Hot Fuss, has seen some crossover success, and the fact that their album has been on sale for anywhere from $6 to $9 hasn't hurt it either. Critics are charmed by the band's 80s synth meets 90s alternative sound. Music fans find the band's music "fun," "cool sounding," and other terms that really don't even begin to describe the disaster this band is.

First of all, it's time I debunk the synthesizer. The synthesizer is, at best, an annoying instrument that occasionally makes a song sound better, but more often than not, ends up leaving listeners with a headache while wondering how best to torture the as*hole who invented the friggin synthesizer in the first place. While many good things came out of the 1980s (among them, the success of U2, The Empire Strikes Back, and Sam Kinison), the synthesizer was not one of them. Guess what people...most 80s new wave pop music sucked a*s, with the notable exceptions of The Safety Dance, Come on Eileen, and maybe another track or two that escapes my mind at the moment. So why the hell would anyone want to incorporate a synthesizer into their sound, and, more importantly, why would anyone want to listen to it in 2004?

This is what baffles me about this band's success to this point. They've actually convinced people this is, dare I say it, GOOD! Somebody Told Me, the first single, begins with a guitar riff ripped straight out of the Franz Ferdinand handbook. Soon though, the guitars take a back seat to a strong percussive backbeat and waves of synthesizers. Add in the fact that lead vocalist Brandon Flowers is doing his best Duran Duran impersonation (and yes folks, Duran Duran sucked too, hate to break the news to you), and well, is it any wonder this song makes waxing ones balls seem more enjoyable?

So is Somebody Told Me just merely the one bad song on an ok record? Oh my, no! Not even close! On Top would be a fine, chiming guitar track, but unfortunately, the f*cking synthesizers are there. A shame too, since I really like the guitar melody and, especially, the repeating riff on the chorus. And while Flowers still sounds like the Duran Duran douche, the song has a decent hook.

Mr. Brightside is the second single, and it seems poised to be even more of a success than Somebody Told Me was. This is one of the few times on this record where the synthesizers aren't so annoying, probably because they don't really sound like synthesizers. The band actually creates a wall of sound type effect in spots, and the result is something akin to Van Halen's ...And the Cradle Will Rock, where they wired a keyboard into a guitar amp to make the song sound much more rocking than it is. The song also has the best hook on the record, with Flowers' voice melding perfectly with the ringing guitars that permeate the chorus.

The band ruins perhaps their best riff on Andy, You're a Star, pumping quick blasts of synth noise for seemingly no reason, while Flowers' voice drones on in a headache-inducing and grating tone that makes this writer want to slit his wrists rather than ever listen to this song again. And you know what the worst is? For about 30 seconds towards the end of the track, the song becomes something completely different, with great vocal harmonies and a nice, understated guitar melody. Where was this for the rest of the album?

The album closing Everything Will Be Alright features a programmed beat, over which, Flowers' voice is put through a terribly awful echo type of effect, and when he hits the chorus of "everything will be alright," I can't help but think to myself, in perfect tune with the song mind you, "everything will be alright, once I kick you in the nuts."

The band gets their Strokes on with the charming Change Your Mind, another song where the synths aren't quite repellent enough to ruin the track. In fact, if you ditch the synths from this song, you have a pretty damn great rock track, full of atmosphere in various places. Had the band gone more in this route (without the synths of course), they may have actually been deserving of the praise they've gotten.

But more often than not, the synths win out, Flowers shows a distinct lack of range in his singing (he can sound depressed, and depressed but kind of coming out of it but not quite happy), and the rest of the band, who prove themselves to be competent, are placed in the background. If that doesn't deserve a big f*cking raspberry, I dunno what does. Forget what everyone else has told you about this band: unless they ditch the synths and let the actual talented members of their band shine through, The Killers will be yesterday's news by this time next year.

1.5 stars, rounded up to 2 because of the two strong songs, and the competent musicianship of the members of the band not named Brandon Flowers.



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