OK, so I'm going to try something a little different with this review. Since I know that it can get tedious for you, the reader, to read through a song-by-song analysis of an album that you've likely already heard a lot of hype and criticism about from other sources, I, the ever-so-helpful critic, have decided to implement measures to keep you from skimming this review and hitting the "Very Helpful" or "Not Helpful" button without giving it much thought either way. That's right, you're going to be tested on your reading comprehension this time. And not only that, but your ability to comprehend lyrics as well. Now quit your whining, get your #2 pencils ready, and keep your eyes on your own paper. This test will be worth 80% of your grade. DO IT, DANGIT.

We'll start with some basic reading comprehension.

The Killers are an 80's revival band from Las Vegas, Nevada. Having been around for only a few short years, they've managed to gain notoriety through a spunky pair of new-wave-inflected modern rock singles, "Somebody Told Me" and "Mr. Brightside". One might take the loud, brash, and somewhat raw nature of the band's music to mean that they are yet another in the long line of "The" bands that have been sweeping the music market recently. And one might be correct in that assumption, except that most bands of this nature don't seem to parade around geeky synthesizers as if they're still the coolest thing ever. And maybe that's where the intrigue lies with this band.

Or maybe it has something to do with the lyrics. The band's debut record, curiously titled Hot Fuss, comes busting out of the gates with a heavy dose of swagger, more than a pinch of sexual innuendo, a hint of gender ambiguity, and a dollop of arrogance just to top it all off. Honestly, this doesn't sound like the sort of thing that I'd like, especially when filtered through the manic vocals of one Brandon Flowers. But for some reason, the attitude and audacity fueling this album are strangely appealing. To listen to this album, and to try to make sense of its odd lyrics, is an experience much like walking down the Vegas strip at midnight, with all manner of lights and sounds and porn pamphlets assaulting the senses, as you try to look confident that you know what you're doing, but secretly you know that you have no clue what's going on. With the snappy drum works, deliciously vibrant bass lines, and some tasty leads from Brandon's keyboards and Dave Keuning's guitars, you're not likely to mind, either. That's how it works for me, anyway. It's like taking all of those new wave pop bands that I couldn't stand in the 80's, beefing up the production values considerably, exchanging the stupid and meaningless lyrics with stupid lyrics that I'm convinced must actually mean something, tying it all up in a bow, exchanging it for coins, inserting them into a slot machine one by one, and ultimately hitting the jackpot. An exhilarating feeling, even if there's a strange air of cheapness about it.

Simply put, Hot Fuss is one of those albums that I probably shouldn't like, but do. The lyrics hint at some very strange goings-on at times, things like murder and sex changes and un-subtle pick-up lines that shouldn't sound appealing as the subject of extremely catchy rock songs, but somehow the trashy feel of it all makes it seem tongue-in-cheek in a manner similar to U2's Pop (though without the religious references). Actually, U2 is a good reference point for The Killers, because it's clear to see where bassist Mark Stoermer and drummer Ronnie Vannucci have been inspired by Adam Clayton and Larry Mullen, Jr., particularly their early work (think War), to become an extremely tight rhythm section over which the most crass come-on could potentially sound delightful. That, and my struggle to figure out if the lyrics really mean what I think they mean (due their disjointed nature, it's not always easy to tell), keep me coming back to this album. It's a total guilty pleasure.

Alright. Stop here. We'll see if your reading has given you any insight.

Question 1: Judging from the band's place of origin and its musical genre of choice, we can conclude that the name "The Killers" should be taken to mean that they are:
a) Cardsharks.
b) Ladykillers.
c) Mood killers.
d) Mass murderers.

Question 2: Why is this album called Hot Fuss?
a) Because people make a fuss over any band whose name starts with "The".
b) It's the password to an exclusive strip club in Vegas.
c) Because Brandon Flowers is a drama queen.
d) Because all the clever names with more obvious innuendo were already taken by Aerosmith, the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and the Bloodhound Gang.
e) Well, it beats Hot Flash.

How's you do? Hopefully, you got the right answers, which are b and d.

What's that? I didn't address either of these questions in the text? Whoops, those were from last year's exam! My mistake. I won't count those. Instead, we'll move on to the listening comprehension section, and test your ability to analyze music and lyrics.

Say what? You didn't bring your copy of the album? Sheesh. Kids these days. You're just going to have to use your imagination, then.

Jenny Was a Friend of Mine
We took a walk that night, but it wasn't the same
We had a fight on the promenade out in the rain...
The weirdos have landed! Some spacey synth noise serves as an intro to a jittery, cocky, and ultimately creepy introduction to The Killers' world. It's one of those songs that rocks, not as a function of how heavy its guitars are (they sound more muffled and nervous than anything else), but instead the rock factor comes the crashing drums and streetwise bass lines that just come popping right out of the speakers. It's thrilling to hear bass that's actually noticeable for a change - this seems to be a lost art in the world of commercial rock music. Once Brandon starts caterwauling... er, singing, he sounds like he's desperate to defend himself when accused of a crime he didn't commit. This is where the creepiness factor comes in, as he attempts to state his alibi and prove that he dearly loved a woman who has apparently been a victim of a heinous murder. And the more he talks and yelps about it, the more easy it is to be convinced that he's the psycho who did the unmentionable deed to her. Of course, there's no better way to cap off such a cheery song than with a chipper synthesizer solo, and Brandon is no slouch in that department, taking pride in his vintage equipment as he draws the song to a close. It's a first track that definitely makes an impression - but whether your impression of it will be excitement or disgust, I honestly can't predict.

Question 3: What happened to Jenny?
a) She got mad at Brandon Flowers, and she killed herself to spite him.
b) Brandon Flowers killed her. Duh, the band is called "The Killers". Hello McFly!!!
c) An unnamed stalker tracked her down and killed her. She should have known better than to give out her phone number, which, by the way, is 867-5309.

Mr. Brightside
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis...
A cute little appreciated guitar line leads off this fast-paced song, which finds Brandon ranting and raving in a rather monotone (but still animated) voice about his regrets. It seems that he's jealous of another guy, who has managed to win the affections of a girl whom he has let go. Why did he let her go? And who really had her first, anyway? That's what's hard to tell. Amidst the soaring synth blasts and crashing cymbals, it's hard to tell, though Brandon does do us the favor of repeating the entire first verse all over again. We find him imagining things like the guy taking off the girl's dress, presumably leading to sex, and clearly he's upset with this picture. Afterwards, "he's having a smoke and she's taking a drag". But this is going on while Brandon is "falling asleep, and she's calling a cab?" So who's sleeping with whom here? All we get at the end is Brandon moaning, "I never!" It's all very melodic and tasty, and I want to stick around and unravel the clues of this strange love triangle (rectangle?), but I'll have to settle for doing the white-boy dance to that irresistibly quick beat instead. What really makes me chuckle about this song is the way Brandon sets up a rhyme scheme only to jump away from it at the last second: "Now they're going to bed, and my stomach is sick, but it's all in my head, and she's touching his... chest." Phew.

Question 4: What is unusual about the song "Mr. Brightside"?
a) It expresses remorse after an adulterous affair.
b) It has no second verse.
c) Brandon Flowers sings it while hyperventilating.
d) I thought he was gonna say "dick". Tee hee!

Smile Like You Mean It
Looking back at sunsets on the Eastside
We lost track of the time
Dreams aren't what they used to be
Some things sat by so carelessly...
Things mellow out a bit for the third track, more of a chill version of The Killers' "80's swagger" mode. Brandon takes on more of a sarcastic tone here, using what might otherwise sound like encouraging lyrics to express a rather cynical tone: "Save some face, you know you've only got one, change your ways while you're still young." Perhaps it's one of those "innocence lost" numbers, since Brandon tells us during the bridge (in an oddly filtered voice) that "someone is playing a game in the house that I grew up in". The song is kind of an anomaly, with the more relaxed pace kind of cutting into the album's energy level, but there are plenty of synth and guitar fills in between the lyrics and that ultimately makes it a winner, though not to the extent of the first two songs.

Question 5: Why does this band rely so much on synthesizers when Dave Keuning is a capable lead guitarist?
a) They're in love with the 80's.
b) They think it still is the 80's.
c) It's a subversive indie-rock thing, and if you don't get it, you're an uncultured moron.
d) Those are guitars, stupid.

Somebody Told Me
Bring it back down, bring it back down tonight
Never thought I'd let a rumor ruin my moonlight...
Wasting no time in revving things up, this song grab the listener's hand and drags them out onto a pulsating dance floor in order to show them how it's done. This is the pinnacle moment of Hot Fuss - the point where the band is at their most audacious and yet their most lovable. Funny how that works! Brandon's verse melody is irresistible - it's insistent and driving and it just will not quit. He's using it as a battering ram to not-so-subtly interrogate a girl about a rumor that he's heard - and a rather nasty one at that. Get a load of this: "Somebody told me you had a boyfriend who looked like a girlfriend that I had in February of last year." Yikes. If I were that guy, I'd clobber him. Unfortunately, I'm not that guy, and Brandon could probably kick my wimpy little butt, so I'll shut up about that, and enjoy another phat bass line and some snazzy little synth riffs with a heaping portion of revved-up drums and guitars that spin around the room and launch the song into the Stratosphere. (The Casino, that is.) But hey, what's with the gender-bending here? Did the guy used to be a girl? Or does he just look like one? Or does Brandon just have a thing for masculine women? If this song doesn't put a big smile on your face and a nagging "WTF?" in your brain, then well, you're just no fun.

Question 6: What is Brandon Flowers attempting to do to this girl?
a) Hit on her.
b) Hit on her boyfriend.
c) Embarrass her boyfriend by insinuating that he's actually gay.
d) Prove that he can beat her at Pole Position. (I mean the video game, you pervert.)

All These Things that I've Done
Another head aches, another heart breaks
I am so much older than I can take
And my affection, well, it comes and goes
I need direction to perfection...
Time to slow things down for a Gospel number. Alright, so it's not a Gospel number. Not even close. But it's the closest thing to religious fervor that we're gonna get out of these guys (that's one area where they don't draw from U2, I suppose). And it's certainly fervent enough to make its mark, starting off innocently with its light piano and mournful organs before kicking into another up-tempo groove in which Brandon seeks absolution for his sins. Or something. It's funny - I kind of see this as the album's big power ballad, but it's actually rather fast-paced. This might be one of Brandon's better vocal moments on the album (his little quirks have grown on me by this point, so I'm not saying he was horrible before or anything), with his cold, matter-of-fact sounding voice somehow expressing emotion in spite of itself. When he pleads, "Yeah, you know you gotta help me out, don't you put me on the back burner!", you get a pretty good idea of how bad he feels and how much he expects the person he's hurt to just ignore him. I'm not sure exactly what all the things are that he's done, because instead of any sort of insight into that, the song's bridge finds him musing repeatedly, "I got soul, but I'm not a soldier". Which is the stupidest line in the world, when you think about it, but he repeats it about ten hundred times and makes it sound like it's a friggin' revelation. And then some soulful female vocals join in to sang with him (not sing, but sang - there's a difference, you know), and the whole thing gets so ridiculously over-the-top that you just have to love it. Well, I do anyway.

Question 7: What does Brandon Flowers regret doing wrong?
a) Killing Jenny.
b) Sleeping with a married woman.
c) Smiling like he didn't mean it.
d) Dating a girl who looked like a guy.
e) Dodging the draft.

Andy, You're a Star
Leave your number on the locker and I'll give you a call
Hey shut up, hey shut up, yeah
Leave your legacy in gold on the plaques that line the hall
Hey shut up, hey shut up, yeah...
The Killers make a definite break from the stylistic mold of the rest of the album here, opting for something much more dark and angular. Oddly enough, the cold guitar riff and robotic rhythm that define this song remind me of a slowed-down and extremely bitter version of the Newsboys' "WooHoo". Brandon is barking out cynical comments at a person who seems to think he's important, and it seems like he wants to take the guy down a peg: "Andy, you're a star in nobody's eyes but mine". But wait, does he respect this guy or is he ridiculing him? I mean, if he does think he's a star... Man, I don't know. I should've stopped trying to decipher this silliness a long time ago. Hey, those chorus vocals are cool. Kinda like an overly dramatic choir or something. Love the sudden cutoff in the middle of that guitar riff, too.

Question 8: Who is Andy?
a) Andy Kaufman.
b) Andy Richter.
c) Andy Griffith.
d) Andy Dick.
e) Andie MacDowell.
f) Brandon Flowers' ex-boyfriend... er... girlfriend.

On Top
It's like a cigarette in the mouth
Or a handshake in the doorway
I look at you and smile because I'm fine...
This might just be the most blatantly synth-happy song on the project. The opening sounds like it should be the beginning of a techno song or something, but then the band kicks in with a surprisingly subdued beat for a faster song. Brandon admittedly has trouble staying on key here, which isn't as charming here as it might be in some other places. He gets bonus points for using the word "shimmy" in the chorus, though. What's this song about again? Just another instance where I have no freakin' clue. There's a "velvet sun that shines on me and you", and the assertion that "we don't mean to satisfy tonight, so get your eyes off of my bride tonight", and an overall declaration that "we're on top". Ultimately, I think it's one of the album's least interesting songs (it does sag a little bit in its second act), but you've still gotta love their insistence on sticking to their nerdy synth style.

Question 9: What are the Killers on top of?
a) The Billboard charts.
b) Old Smokey.
c) Spaghetti.
d) The high scores for Ms. Pac Man. (I mean the video game, you pervert.)

Change Your Mind
Why aren't you shaking, step back in time
Graciously taking, oh you're too kind...
The Killers find themselves in a little more of a jangle-pop mood here, with one of their sunniest, but ultimately most inconsequential, songs. Nothing's bad about this one - it's kind of nice to hear the band in such a breezy mode, but I'm used to more of an intense and ironic attitude from these guys. This seems to be more like one of the usual lovelorn, "You don't love me, but if I begged you enough, would you at least consider it?" type songs. Sorry, dude, but "no" means "no". Throwing cliches like "We're all the same and love is blind" into the mix doesn't help. I mean, I've already stated that The Killers' lyrics are kind of dumb, but at least they're dumb in their own unique way in most of the other songs.

Question 10: Whose mind is Brandon Flowers trying to change, and why?
a) Some girl's, because hey, he's a horndog.
b) The jury's, because hey, Jenny deserved it.
c) Simon Cowell's, because hey, he's a better singer than that pretty-boy Clay Aiken.
d) Clay Aiken's, because hey, he's really pretty.

Believe Me Natalie
There is an old cliche under your Monet, baby
Remember the arch of roses right above your couch...
Now this is more like it. A wonderfully drum beat comes tumbling in over wintery synths, making it extremely difficult to figure out the rhythm of the song at first, until the Edge-like guitars come in and establish some sense of order. For some reason, this song makes me think of U2, minus Bono, plus some geeky ninth grader trying to get up the courage to ask out the head cheerleader. It's awkward, but catchy and charming. Brandon wants this girl to let loose and do to go-go or disco or whatever it is with him, and it's easy to see the old disco ball spinning overhead and casting starry reflections on the floor. The song stretches past five minutes, and some have referred to it as boring, but I think it's an innovative way to change up the band's sound, while still being having a distinct Killers stamp to it. The horns near the end, when the song becomes a bit more lively, are a nice touch.

Question 11: Which of Brandon Flowers' statements won't Natalie believe?
a) "Disco isn't dead, it's just getting started, baby!"
b) "I've never heard of this U2 that you keep mentioning."
c) "I wasn't calling you a ho. Honest!"
d) "For the last time, I AM NOT GAY!!!"

Midnight Show
Oh, crashing time can't hide a guilty girl
With jealous hearts that start with blossom curls
I took my baby's breath beneath the chandelier
Of stars in atmosphere, and watch her disappear...
One last upbeat number brings Hot Fuss sprinting toward the finish line. Essentially, what we've got here is a retread of the "Somebody Told Me" formula, without as much of the overall weirdness, but it definitely still retains a lot of the attitude. Sound-wise, the band is definitely at their best (is that a little wah-wah I hear on Dave's guitar?), but I think they really fall down on lyrics here. Maybe some will chuckle at the lines "I know there's a hope/There's too many people trying to help me cope/You got a real short skirt/I wanna look up, look up, look up", and sure, I get the double entendre, but it ain't that funny. That and the Brandon's whiny chorus (youch!) are the two black marks on an otherwise fun song that ends in a nice little synth coda, taking us down for the album's mellow closer.

Question 12: What happens during a "midnight show"?
a) Brandon Flowers howls until he ruptures a vocal chord.
b) Brandon Flowers hits on cute guys named Andy.
c) Mark Stoermer plays some of the phattest bass licks this side of Seinfeld while the rest of the guys perform a striptease.
d) The guys play Double Dragon. (AHEM. We've been over this twice already.)

Everything Will Be Alright
I was out shopping for a doll
To say the least, I thought I've seen them all
But then you took me by surprise
I'm dreaming 'bout those dreamy eyes...
I have a pet peeve to share, and it involves bands who think they can get away with writing songs about everything being alright or OK. Never have I heard an interesting song on this topic. The Killers aren't about to change that fact - they actually manage to completely bottom out at this point by basing their song on clunky programming and weird, highly-processed vocals that sound like the tortured-Bono-in-a-water-filter that we heard on "Zoo Station" and "Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me", except not even a tenth as cool as that. Seriously, this is one hell of a grating song, and since Brandon throws every cliche he can at the wall to see what sticks, I can't even appreciate the song on a lyrical level. What a disappointingly uncreative way to close out an otherwise entertaining album! Oh yeah, this one's over five minutes too. You'll want to strangle the guy by about the third repetition of the disorienting chorus. I guess the jaunty piano and synth bit in the middle offers a little bit of solace, but it's way too late to save the song.

Question 13: What is the most effective method of fixing Brandon Flowers' voice?
a) A swift kick in the reproductive organs.
b) All of the above.

The test is now over. You may put your pencils down, and go look up the answers in the back of the book. (Well, the answers to the odd questions anyway. Your guess is as good as mine on the even ones.) And hey, don't fret. If you did poorly, I'll even give you an extra credit question to help your pathetic grade in this class a little.

Extra Credit Question: Rate the following men's names in order from most to least desirable.
a) Brandon Flowers
b) Fran Healy
c) Andy Dick
d) Dick Butkus
e) Carrot Top
f) Clay Aiken

OK, so I guess that didn't help much. Don't worry about it. Spring Break is coming up soon. As a remedy for your midterm blues, I recommend picking up a copy of Hot Fuss and playing it repeatedly (sans the final track) while on a road trip to Vegas. If you do that, and bring me back a detailed statistical analysis of your chances of winning at either blackjack, roulette, or a slot machine, I promise I'll give you an A.

ALBUM WORTH:
Jenny Was a Friend of Mine $1.50
Mr. Brightside $1.50
Smile Like You Mean It $1
Somebody Told Me $2
All These Things that I've Done $2
Andy, You're a Star $1
On Top $.50
Change Your Mind $.50
Believe Me Natalie $1.50
Midnight Show $1
Everything Will Be Alright -$.50
TOTAL: $12

Band Members:
Brandon Flowers: Vocals, keyboards
Dave Keuning: Guitars
Mark Stoermer: Bass
Ronnie Vannucci: Drums

Website: http://www.thekillers.com

Recommended: Yes

Great Music to Play While: Driving