Hey, man. What is this place? Who are you people, and what are you doing here? Writing reviews? Of what? Toasters? Lipsticks? Freaking record albums? Whatever. You people need to get hobbies.
Seriously.
Anyway, I don’t know any of you people, and none of you know me, but I’ll bet you know my brother.
Paul? Paul Lorentz?
Heard of him? Egotestical bastard, thinks he’s the sh!t? Yeah, I know you know him. That pansy sum'146b!tch.
I was just Googling our family’s name to see what it would come up with, and all I got were a bunch of stinking record reviews by him on this totally gay website. Anyway, last weekend, I hacked myself into his e-mail account – the dipsh!t (why the hell won't they let me type the cuss words when I've seen Paul type cusswords all the time?) uses the same damn password for everything – all those freakin’ Steve Reeves movies I tell ya – and found an e-mail from this guy named Matt Aucoin regarding some write-off something. From the e-mail, I deduced that this was some stupid CD exchange where people like you guys who don’t have anything better to do send each other CDs that you don’t think the other person’ll like and then see how much they hate ‘em. Whatever gets rocks off, folks.
Still, I was curious about this Matt dude, who apparently calls himself MattA75 here – whatever, dude – so I checked some of his reviews out. Not bad, not bad. At least he’s not a total poseur like my brother. And then I saw that he really digs the Black Crowes. Dude! The Black Crowes frickin’ rock. And then I noticed that he sent Paul a disc by Rich Robinson. Hey, wasn’t he in the Black Crowes? Wasn’t he the cool guitarist guy whose brother was like the big poseur lead singer who grew that nasty beard and wore big furs and feathers and dated movie stars and stuff? Man, I know what it’s like to grow up in the shadow of an egotestical dick like that dude.
So I got a plan. Since it looks like Paul’s (that bastard) in no big rush to write his review of Rich Robinson’s solo album Paper (I mean, when were these freakin’ ISYMIYSMY write-off things supposed to be done – like four weeks ago or something?), and since it sounds so damn cool, and since Rich and I have, like, this fraternal bond, both of us being brothers of spotlight-hogging asshats, I decided that I would track down my own copy of this album, hack myself into the “plorentz” account on Epinions (Dude! It’s like the same password for everything, I tell ya! Too easy!), and write my own review of this album.
So here I am. And here goes:
aRE YOU READY FOR THIS!
KEPP GOING
KEEP GOING
THAT'S RIHGT KEEP GOING...
This albums sucks @ss! Seriously!
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAH A HA HA
JUsk kidding.
Naw, it's a cool album. You should all get it. Rich Robinson plays guitar reall good and sings really pretty too - not like his stupid poser borhter!!! Everyone needs to get this album and if you don't get it you sucik.
The End.
OKLAY, SO I JUST POSTED MY BRILLIANT REVIEW OF RICH ROBINSON'S PAPER AND SOME OF YOU DORKWADS (IW ON'T MEANTION NAMES!!!!) DECIDED THAT I WAS NOT HELPFUL. DID ANY OE YOU EVER THINK THAT MAYBE YOUR JUST LIKE SO STUPID THAT YOU CAN'T BE HELPED???
OKAY SO HE'S SOME MORE DETAILS ABOUT THIS STINKING RECORD BEEYOTHCES!
Mike?
What- er.. uh. Paul!
Mike? What are you doing here?
Umm, uh... y'know. Just-uhhh- checkin' the place out. Stuff. You know.
Do you write on Epinions now?
Me? Yeah, right.
Well, then, what are you doing, logged into it? And what are you doing on my account?
Well-uh-uhmmm...
Well?
Well, dammit! It's not my fault that you've taken forever to write your entry into MattA75's ISYMIYSMY write-off. I mean, have you even listened to that Rich Robinson CD he sent you?
Of course I did. But the bigger question is how you even know about the Rich Robinson CD? Have you been looking through my e-mails too?
Dude. You make it so easy, man.
Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike...
You were asking for it man! And if you've been listening to that Rich Robinson CD for the last month, then why the hell haven't you reviewed it already? I mean, dude! Look, you had time for Aimee Mann. You had time for Weezer. You even had time for freaking Nik Kershaw. NOT TO MENTION, a couple of stupid books that nobody's ever going to care about! I mean, have you really been listening to that Rich Robinson CD?
I said, YES. I've listened to it many times! I've just been very busy, and y'know, we just got back from Disney and-
Man, what's that smell? Do you smell it too, big brother? sniff sniff sniff Smells like bullshit to me.
Seriously, man. I've listened to it. I've played it every afternoon since I got it in the mail.
Yes, I distinctly smell bullshit.
Well, I mean, not every afternoon. But, A LOT of afternoons, I have and-
And what? Too busy to write a stinking review of it?
No, it's just...
What?
It's just. I don't know. I wanted to do something really special for this review, but there's just nothing special about this CD, y'know? I mean, even if I were to do a straight-up review of it, I don't know where I'd start except-
Nothing special about this CD? Are you shitting me? (And hey, since when am I now able to type the cusswords? This is awesome!)
I fixed it so you could type the cusswords, man.
Oh, no. Don't try to butter me up man. I repeat: NOTHING SPECIAL? Dude! You are so, so, so bullshitting me, because, man, if you'd really listened to this CD, there is just no possible way that you could just so flippantly say, hey, there's just nothing special about it. Nothing special, my big hairy butt, man! Nothing special? Do you hear the crispness of the riffage, the tight punchiness of the rhythm section, the layered Byrdsy harmonies here and there and everyfuckingwhere? Do you? Do you? DO YOU??? And I'll kick your ass if you say you don't!
I do. I hear all of those things. And at first, they are MOST impressive. I daresay I nearly fell in love with this album the first time I heard "Yesterday I Saw You"...
Well then, what happened.
Well, the rest of the album happened. "Yesterday I Saw You" is track one. There are thirteen more, and well, to my ears, none of them distinguish themselves. I mean, they all sound good. I love those harmonies. I love those riffs. I love that drummer. He pounds those beats out with all the simply savagery of... well, I don't know. I'll have to think a little more about that analogy, but-
But, what man? Don't make me have to spank you in front of all your little Epinions buddies, man! Are you seriously gonna stand there and tell me that there's no discernible difference between the string-soaked, stubbly-faced, beer-scented pleading of "Forgiven Song" and the disarming delicacy of "When You Will", no discernible diff-
Whoa-whoa-whoa- Did you just use the phrase "disarming delicacy"? Disarming delicacy? Mike! I didn't know you had it in you!
Actually, I didn't either. I think I've been reading too many of your stupid reviews. The point is - dude! You're totally missing the point! This guy's a virtuoso. He can do anything on a guitar, it seems like, and it sounds so damned easy! And if you don't get that - I mean, if something in you doesn't just quiver with delight when you hear the effortless lines in "Veil", lines that braid themselves and form little melodic double helixes-
Melodic double helixes?
Absolutely, melodic double helixes, and if you don't feel a days worth of sweat and grit on your forearms listening to the red-clay-muddy-blues riffs on the seven-minute "Places", then there's just something seriously, seriously, seriously wrong with you, man! I mean, HAVE YOU NO SOUL?
Okay, okay, okay. I grant: the guy can play guitar. The harmonies are freaking amazing. But, man, Mike. I just can't get through this record. It's so freaking long. And after awhile, I don't care how well this guy can caress those strings - if the music's not involving me somehow, I can't get into it. It's not that I hate this record, or think that it's bad. But I'm just sort of... I don't know... "not interested". I'm indifferent to it. I don't feel anything about it (except perhaps a tiny tingle upon hearing the chorus of "Know Me".
Indifferent?
Indifferent. Y'know. Indifferent in the same way I've been indifferent to Tom Petty for the last 15 years, and for largely the same reasons, none of which I can articulate all that succinctly, only to say that while I can respect what he and Rich Robinson are doing, and while I can acknowledge each man's surfeit of talent, I just can't get all that excited about their mus-
Man you suck.
Well, if I'm being hones-
No, seriously man. You suck. Matt was right about you.
I'm just trying to keep it re- What? Matt was right about me? Uh- what he did he say about me?
Uh- uhmm- uhhhhh-
Yeah, that's what I thought. Well, uh, tell your friend Matt, the next time you see him, that the Rich Robinson was just, y'know, aa-ight. I'll still probably buy it eventually, but it's nothing I'm in a rush for.
- - - - -
BECAUSE YOU NEED TO KNOW:
"Paper" by Rich Robinson
Keyhole Records
Released 8/24/04
Produced by Rich Robinson
62 min.
SONGS: Yesterday I Saw You - Enemy - Leave It Alone - Know Me - Forgiven Song - Veil - When You Will - Places - Begin - Falling Away - Baby - Oh No - Answers - It's Over
- - - - -
THANKS TO MATT FOR ONCE AGAIN HOSTING THIS MOST AMAZING WRITE-OFF, AND MY SINCEREST APOLOGIES FOR TAKING FOREVER TO ARRIVE. I SENT MATT A COPY OF JULIAN COPE'S "FRIED", AND YOU CAN READ HIS REVIEW OF IT HERE.
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