plorentz's Full Review: Get Behind Me Satan by The White Stripes
You're hearing it here first, my little BLOGOSPHERICAL OBJECTS: THE WHITE STRIPES, darlings of the current rock intelligentsia, religious figures of hipsters worldwide, and the so-called saviours of blues-based garage rock are NOT a REAL BAND ! ! ! This reporter has learned from a reliable anonymous source, who in turn has confirmed the story with his anonymous sources close to the so-called band, that in fact, the White Stripes - often regarded as one of the most important bands recording now, who are supposedly currently TOURING behind their latest, fifth album GET BEHIND ME SATAN, consisting of singer-songwriter, multi-instrumentalist and supposed blues enthusiast Jack White, and his purported ex-wife Meg White on drums - are NOT A REAL BAND, but are actually a fictional invention at the center of what some are calling a VAST WHITE WING CONSPIRACY ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Just as the band THE GORILLAS, a FICTIONAL CARTOON band invented by CRAZY EUROPEANS with time to kill, has proven that a band need not actually be REAL to be RESPECTABLE, the White Stripes, however respectable they may seem to the pinko LIBERALS at ROLLING STONE, are hiding a devastating secret which some are saying may have NATIONAL SECURITY implications! We have learned from RESPECTABLE sources, that in fact, the White Stripes are nothing but a FICTIONAL INVENTION of noted film-maker TIM BURTEN, director of Hollywood hits like BATMAN BEGINS and EDWARD SCISSORSHANDS, widely known to have links with known child molestors like JEFFREY JONES and PEE WEE HERMAN ! ! !
Sources cited the White Stripes' visually arresting red, white, and black graphics and provocative cover portraits as a stylistic link to BURTEN'S films, and noted that "[Jack White] even sort of looks like a character that JOHNNY DEPP would play." JOHNNY DEPP could not be reached to confirm his association with the so-called band, but that might be because he was recently JAILED for causing a public disturbance in a hotel room ! ! ! Our correspondent at the White house in California, where the so-called Jack White has allegedly moved with his MODEL WIFE, has reported that BURTEN originally conceived of the group as a grand, cinematic experiment, and has worked NIGHT AND DAY over the last three years since the so-called band's commercial breakthrough to preserve the secretive nature of the band and MAINTAIN HIS 'BIG LIE', even in the face of increasing media attention ! ! !
Observers note that the so-called band's newest album is only the most blatantly BURTEN-ESQUE entry into their increasingly vast discography, citing the shear depth of twisted vision evident in each of the record's thirteen songs, the absolute commitment to that vision, and the mind-bogglingly detailed execution of that vision. While one source close to the White house (while jogging) noted that "songs like 'MY DOORBELL' and 'TAKE, TAKE, TAKE' totally remind [him] of the piano-and-drums minimalism of a LEE MICHAELS record from the 60s, something fierce, and no one but a twisted genius like BURTEN could evoke such an alarmingly obscure point of reference as vividly as he does, especially not some fictional so-called band like the White Stripes." Others point out WHITE'S LIBERAL use of MARIMBAS, and suggest that frequent BURTEN associate DANNY ELFMAN may have inspired album highlights like "THE NURSE" and the ultra-catchy, ultra-creepy "FOREVER FOR HER (IS OVER FOR ME)".
Still others point out WHITE'S Hollywood connections as evidence in and of itself. For instance, ANN COLTER asks: "Are we really supposed to believe that some trashy, second-rate COMMIE rock star can just wave his hand and score high profile movies like 'COLD MOUNTAIN'? Absolutely! Especially if he isn't a rock star at all, but a total fabrication for the twisted mind of filmmaker TIM BURTEN!" It's also highly unlikely that a REAL-LIFE rock star would be able to shift from makeshift electric white-boy blues like the nightmarish (before Christmas?) "INSTINCT BLUES" to writing semi-authentic bluegrass numbers like 'LITTLE GHOST' and performing a credible production job of a LORETTA LYNN album.
We should fully expect the folks behind this dastardly hoax to suggest that PAUL ANKA really did release a new album this summer, full of covers of modern rock songs; or that BARRY MANILOW will be producing a CD based on RICHARD SIMMONS' DEF POETRY JAM. Anyone paying attention should be OUTRAGED at the horrific untruths being peddled to INNOCENT AMERICAN MUSIC CONSUMERS by the ultra-liberal hacks of rock criticism.
Yet, even with the facts so readily available, the AMERICAN PUBLIC is not willing to except this hoax for the lie it is! In a recent ZAGBY POLL, 67% of Americans who have heard of the so-called White Stripes STILL BELIEVE they are a REAL BAND ! ! ! A frightening majority also said that even if the White Stripes aren't a real band, THEY WOULDN'T CARE ! ! !
******HAVE WE LEARNED NOTHING FROM THE MILLI VANILLAGATE ? ? ? ******
One survey subject stated: "It really doesn't bother me whether the White Stripes are a real band or not. Have you heard their new album? IT [expletive] RAWKS ! ! ! Jack White is a total genius, and if he wasn't already married to a model chick, I'd marry him and HAVE HIS BABIES ! ! !" Another stated that "'GET BEHIND ME SATAN' changed [his] [expletive] life."
PAUL LORENTZ, a leading proponent of the VAST WHITE WING CONSPIRACY (who bares absolutely KNOW relation to this reporter!!!) suggests in a recent article posted on the so-called consumer advice website Epinions.com that people can think what they want about the White Stripes:
[quote] For several years, I had my own doubts about the band, especially given the breathless hype lavished on them by the major music press. Anyone who gets a 5 star rating from Rolling Stone on their first major label album earns my skepticism as well. That said, as unreal, or rather, as cinematically surreal and grandly conceived a band like White Stripes is, the source of their invention - whether it be a real person named Jack White, or if it's, as you seem to be suggesting, some big hoax created by Tim Burton [sic] - is secondary. Get Behind Me Satan has an electric energy to it that I feel is indisputable. Moreover, the White Stripes are a band that gets people excited about music, and the thrilling possibilities still inherent in rock n' roll more than half a century after its inception. [endquote]
This is the future of our POPULAR CULTURE, people ! ! ! I urge you to write your local RIAA representative ***TODAY*** and demand accountability for this epic deception of the AMERICAN PEOPLE ! ! !
GET BEHIND ME, JACK WHITE ! ! ! YOUR JIG IS FINALLY UP ! ! !
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BECAUSE YOU NEED TO KNOW:
"Get Behind Me Satan" by the White Stripes
Third Man / V2 Records
Released 6/7/05
Produced by Jack White
44 min.
SONGS: Blue Orchid - The Nurse - My Doorbell - Forever For Her (Is Over For Me) - Little Ghost - The Denial Twist - White Moon - Instinct Blues - Passive Manipulation - Take, Take, Take - As Ugly As I Seem - Red Rain - I'm Lonely (But I Ain't That Lonely Yet)
The White Stripes fifth studio album, Get Behind Me Satan, is their most anticipated to date. The album was recorded in Detroit, mixed in Memphis and ...More at Buy.com Marketplaces
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