I have a headache. A big headache. I know that with every listen to Mezmerize, the headache will only become worse. So why, you ask, am I even giving this album a few listens? Am I trying to give System of a Down, a band I've loathed for years now, a CHANCE? Has their truly bizarre, unique brand of metal finally caught my attention? Do I enjoy torturing myself?

Whatever the case -- apparently, I'm feeling brave today.

One thing I will certainly not deny is that System of a Down has one of the most recognizable sounds in rock/metal music. I could think for years, and not come up with a single musician that seriously sounds anything like this band. While I suppose that's some form of a compliment, allow me to loudly express the fact that I don't like their sound. Oh, unique isn't always good, my friend. Hyper and heavy might sound pleasant when used as mere adjectives to describe a band, but System somehow tends to make their bizarre attributes work in all the WRONG ways.

So this little album goes by the name of Mezmerize, and it has received all kinds of praise from nearly everyone I know: I mean, this little compact disc is enchanting the likes of metal fans, hip-hop fans, even some country music fans. Seriously. Of course, many of these people have known for years that I am anything but a fan of System of a Down's obnoxious, jarring music -- but they're still jumping up and down, frantic, starry-eyed, some even insisting that I'll absolutely love this album and change my mind forever and ever. Rolling my eyes and dismissing their claims as nothing but my friends apparently having a wild imagination, I went on with my life.

But recently, I heard "Question!" for the first time, and it actually didn't make me want to do harmful things to myself or System of a Down. Believe me, I'm still trying to get over the shock of such an occurrence. I mean, lead vocalist Serj Tankian surprisingly doesn't sound half-bad during those oh-so-quirky verses, as he adopts a sort of comforting whisper-chant: "Sweet berries ready for two / ghosts are no different than you." The strummy music is just so complete, and everything actually has a sort of flow and organization to it in this midtempo song. The typical System shrieking is toned down and it's, dare I say, almost pleasant?!

But I wasn't completely converted. Nope, nope, because you see -- the bliss is sadly short-lived. Mezmerize, for the most part, is full of System of a Down's trademark sound of hideous, tone-deaf yelping courtesy of Serj and -- oh, dear -- squeaky voiced guitarist Daron Malakian, all topping the same redundant, speedy, unorganized, jumbled-up noise. The noise that has turned me off of this band for so many years, and that will continue to make me shudder.

Oddly enough, this album is praised for its enjoyable consistency. I'm not seeing it. I'm personally getting a severe itch if I put it on repeat too many times. Now, don't get me wrong -- the fleeting chorus of "Sad Statue" is coated with all kinds of head-bobbing fierceness and its random quirkiness is used in moderation, making it a slight high point of Mezmerize. "Old School Hollywood" kinda has the same goofy vibe with the chuggy, bouncy attack of guitars in its attention-grabbing introduction, but it's soon plagued with tons of Daron's helium-inhaled vocals. I hurt.

"B.Y.O.B.", Mezmerize's first single, is a politically-charged number with a chorus that is CATCHY enough, but it is definitely not pleasant to listen to. Serj is squawking through the verses as horrifically as ever. He is so unbearably, annoyingly loud. And no, he's not roaring or growling, he's just shouting. It sounds as though he's being electrocuted. Oh, and it doesn't help that the music is nothing else but the same splattered, random noises that always personifies System of a Down's songs.

"Violent Pornography" actually fooled me with its acoustic introduction showing an actual hint of [gasp] melody, but soon this turns into utter noise, as usual, and one of the sorriest excuses for a song I've ever had the displeasure of listening to. I am literally holding the sides of my head as Serj and Daron squeal, trading off vocal lines at nearly non-human speeds, leading up to Serj's typical nonsensical quips: "It's a non-stop disco / betcha it's Nabisco!" The infamous "Cigaro" fares even worse, though. Not only does the song have absolutely no musical merits (just the same, choppy flurry of pure noise topped with some of the most annoying lyrics ever), Daron sounds more nasally than Gwen Stefani would if she came down with the worst cold in the entire universe. Soon, Serj is SHRIEKING along with him, and everything just sucks unbelievably.

System of a Down's uptempo, idiosyncratic sound is one of a kind -- and I sincerely mean that in the worst way possible. The band members might be the nicest, most sincere, intelligent, amazing guys in the entire universe, but they truly will never appeal to me as musicians. I'm a fan of good vocals and [ohmygod] melody in music. Mezmerize only offers clamor, slop, and some of the most awful, nasally, ridiculously loud vocal performances I've ever been exposed to.

Usually, when I encounter an album that sucks to the maximum extent that this one does, I have a solution such as "Well, maybe they'll fix ____ and _____ and their next work will be much better." But with System of a Down, I'm afraid they'd have to make so many alterations to their sound that they, well, wouldn't be the same band anymore. Luckily, though, they're a successful band with millions upon millions of adoring fans, and don't have to worry about getting little girls like me to like them.

TRACK LISTING

1. Soldier Side - Intro
2. B.Y.O.B.
3. Revenga
4. Cigaro
5. Radio/Video
6. This Cocaine Makes Me Feel Like I'm On This Song
7. Violent Pornography
8. Question!
9. Sad Statue
10. Old School Hollywood
11. Lost in Hollywood




Recommended: No