The musical world, I presume, doesn't need tribute albums like Killer Queen. As necessary as a Hillary Duff greatest hits album (oh, shiit), Killer Queen was probably one of the least necessary discs I could've shelled out my hard-won fourteen bucks for last weekend - although I walked out of the same buying spree with Shakira's latest, super-awesome LP, so it wasn't an entirely frivolous session - but, with a soft spot for tribute albums that lick the toes of my very favorite artists (I have Bruce Springsteen tributes, too, and I had an Aerosmith one before I decided that it would be a more appropriate crotch-scratcher than listening experience), and a genuine affinity for, like, two or three of the artists represented here, and curiosity that bordered on the perverse, I bought the damn thing anyway.

Good news, then: despite a general lack of need to exist, Killer Queen makes a pretty good case for itself. Packed with enough curiosities and genuinely affectionate homage to entertain, luminaries like Gavin DeGraw, Joss Stone, Jason Mraz, and that guy from "American Idol" all grapple with the challenge of updating Queen classics. The bad news, of course, is that this is Queen, one of the most fantastically talented and charismatic pop groups of the past quarter-century, and therefore entirely impossible to top. When these upstarts can be bothered to actually do some updating, some interpretation, Killer Queen has fun with the enduring legacy of its idols. And when they can't, balls to 'em for their fastidious conservatism.

Having gone on record as being against the tried (tired)-and-true method of reviewing an album track by track, I'll now revel in my own hypocrisy by going the t-b-t method myownself, and reviewing it as I would a mix cd. Because this review is a tribute. To my real review of Killer Queen that no one will ever see.

**

1. "We Are the Champions," Gavin DeGraw

Freddie Mercury could sell pretty much any song, and if you were able to listen to it in a vacuum that exists outside of "Champions"'s cultural reputation (i.e. surgically fused to stadium-rocking chest-thumper "We Will Rock You"), I suspect you'd probably find "We Are the Champions" pretty moving. Not quite so for Gavin "Chariot" DeGraw's take, on which he oversings like moody blues-rock's very own Christina Aguilera, without quite the vocal chops to do so. He's embarrassing, quite frankly, but I was willing to give this a marginal recommendation until Gavin slipped into quavery falsetto for the last time. Marc Broussard could so kick this guy's aarse. 2/5

2. "Tie Your Mother Down," Shinedown

If my memory serves me correctly, Shinedown were responsible for that reprehensible "staring down the barrel of a 45" song, and so they get points here for improving their material and not slipping into Metallica Channelling For Dummies. "Tie Your Mother Down" is fun enough, but Shinedown fatally refuses to deviate from the source material, and despite a valiant fist at the barrelling Day at the Races rocker, all they manage is a half-point over Gavin DeGraw for not singing like jackasses. 2.5/5

3. "Bohemian Rhapsody," Constantine M. featuring the cast of "We Will Rock You"

Though one of the most technically proficient songs on the compilation, "American Idol" loser Constantine's take on "Bohemian Rhapsody" is little more than pumped-up karaoke, a replica so faithful that, were it not for Constantine's lack of Freddy Mercury-esque charisma, one could, potentially, mistake this for the original. As it is, hell, if I'd wanted to hear the same old "Bohemian Rhapsody," I would have listened to it. Thesis statement: Constantine sucks. 1.5/5

**
Interlude: God, I paid for this?
**

4. "Stone Cold Crazy," Eleven with Joshua Homme

As if to answer my prayers, Eleven - who, to be clear, I've never heard of - chime in with a fantastic "Stone Cold Crazy" that inadvertently cites Core-era Stone Temple Pilots as more of a point of reference than Queen. Dark and chunky, "Stone Cold Crazy" brings the tune an edge that the lovable Mercury never mustered. Beautiful. 4/5

5. "Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy," Jason Mraz

Impossibly, Mraz's stab at "Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy" is even more dapper and silly than Mercury and Co's original - hopefully, proof positive that when Mraz isn't trying to cram too many clever words into a stanza, he's actually not annoying at all. And his Freddie Mercury impersonation is uncanny. Better than Constatine's, anyhow. 4/5

6. "Under Pressure," Joss Stone

HOME RUN! Blue-eyed soul prodigy Joss Stone scores the first five-star rating, keeping the Queen/Bowie tour de force recognisable, but actually caring enough to play with the melody and arrangement. Her "Under Pressure" wisely ditches the familiar, Vanilla Ice-nicked bassline (but keeps the lovely chord progression), opting instead for a terrific soul instrumental, with piano and guitar and even some cool calypso keyboards way, way in the background. Like DeGraw, she power-sings her British little heart out, but unlike DeGraw, she has the natural ability to do so, and manages to carry both parts of a duet without even sounding remotely awkward. If the limp funk of Stone's hit White Stripes cover "Fell In Love With a Boy" fell flat, her beautiful "Under Pressure" more than atones. You go, you precocious little Brit, you. 5/5

7. "Who Wants To Live Forever," Breaking Benjamin

I don't know who Breaking Benjamin is, but I'm going to assume they fall under the blanket of emo; normally a death knell for a song, but this song is emo done well. If it's not nearly as genuinely sad as Mercury's original, it's at least pleasantly angsty, and the vocalist appropriately avoids trying to be Mercury-smooth and just settles for blowing out the old voice-box. Sweet. 3.5/5

8. "Bicycle Race," Be Your Own Pet

Queen goes punk! Again, I've not heard of Be Your Own Pet, but they recast one of Queen's most famously silly pop songs as... well, a silly punk song. Honestly, I'll never listen to this, but BYOP gets my recommendation for going for it. 3/5

9. "Crazy Little Thing Called Love," Josh Kelley

Holy crap, it's The Cars! Okay, maybe it's some guy named Josh Kelley (who I've never heard of but who my teenaged sister assures me is moderately famous), but Ric Ocasek and the boys would, I think, be totally stoked to claim this new-wave stab at Queen's most famous rockabilly number. Complete with noodling keyboards, choppy rhythm guitar, and canned handclaps for good measure (not nearly enough of those in music today - ah, Boston, we hardly knew ye), Kelley manages to change "Crazy Little Thing" up enough for originality points without sacrificing the original's practically viral infectiousness. This is awesome. 4.5/5

10. "Sleeping on the Sidewalk," Los Lobos

I really like Los Lobos, so I'll give this one a slight artist tilt; the Motown vibe is cool, as is the fact that Los Lobos chose to unearth something a bit lesser-known (especially while so many obvious choices were available), but it all sounds a bit too sterile coming from a band this cool. (Realization: Hey, this kinda sounds like "The Ballad of John and Yoko".) 3/5

11. "Killer Queen," Sum 41

Sweet Jesus. Sum 41 carbon-copied a Queen song. This is not an exaggeration: everything about this "Killer Queen" is identical, even more so than Constantine's too-faithful "Bohemian Rhapsody". The guitar effects, guitar solo, piano, vocals, backing vocals; nothing has been retouched, except for Deryck Whibley's inability to hit a few of the notes, even in falsetto. It's identical. It's uncanny. It's lame. 1/5

12. "Death on Two Legs," Rooney

Purveyors of sunny, harmless pop music, Rooney play it a little too safe with their cover of Night at the Opera's vitriolic opener, but manage a vast improvement over Sum 41's piddly imitation. They lose points because they can't sing it, but gain points for - well, for not being Sum 41, I guess. Although, what's the piano intro to "Lazing on a Sunday Afternoon" doing tacked onto the end? Did they rip the backing track from the album or something? 2.5/5

13. "Play the Game," Jon Brion

Holy crap, this is beautiful. Jon Brion - never heard of 'im, but whatever - pares "Play the Game" down to a gorgeous symphonic pop tune that out-Beatles the Beatles. I swear, I wanna use this cover in a romantic comedy. It'll be my acting debut, and it'll play in the background while I, hand-in-hand with my impossibly beautiful true love, run on the beach (in slo-mo, natch)... it'll be the cutest thing ever. 4.5/5

14. "Bohemian Rhapsody," the Flaming Lips

The Flaming Lips infusing "Bohemian Rhapsody" with more artistry and integrity than some guy who lost on "American Idol"? Who woulda thunk! Coming as no surprise to people who like music, the Lips beat Constantine at his own sterile yawnfest of a game, taking surprisingly few liberties with melodies and arrangements, but managing to infuse the famous epic with the quavery, glorious beauty of their mini-hit "Do You Realize??" It helps that Wayne Coyne contributes a beautifully uncertain vocal, and that the verses are arguably prettier than the originals, and that they, y'know, actually covered it, instead of Xeroxing the thing. This is what covers should be about: I've heard "Bohemian Rhapsody" way too much (blame the radio and VH1 and "Wayne's World"), so the Lips's version, which bothers to deviate at least a little bit, is something I'd actively listen to as an alternative. Plus, I think there's gong in there somewhere. 4.5/5

15. "'39," Ingram Hill

Okay, so I confess: Killer Queen probably wouldn't have been as much of a necessary purchase if it hadn't featured "'39," my all-time favorite Queen song. This sci-fi folk tale is tucked away on side 1 of Night at the Opera, a gorgeous, touching slice of acoustic bliss... Ingram Hill (whoever they are) cover "'39" as lovingly as I would if given the opportunity, adding a bit more alt-country stomp (and more fleshed-out instrumentation), but keeping the song's beautiful melody intact. I swear, my heart did cartwheels of joy when I listened to this for the first time. It fulfills one of the other purposes of an ideal tribute album: instead of "they wrecked a good song," it makes you think "damn, that really IS a great song!" 5/5

16. "Fat Bottom Girls," Antigone Rising

Killer Queen wraps up with a bang, with the ladies of Antigone Rising attacking this "Baby Got Back" precursor with verve, enthusiasm, and no shortage of badasss country rock. I don't know what Antigone Rising look like, but after listening to their "Fat Bottom Girls," I think they're hot anyway. The perfect closer. 5/5

**

As I've never bothered with track ratings or anything like that, this is the first time I've never had to struggle with what to rate an album. My calculator informs me that Killer Queen is a cool 3.46875 stars, which, for the sake of mathematical possibility (Epinions has egregiously ignored the oft-coveted .46875-star for way too long, I think we can all agree), somehow works its way up to four stars. The lame retreads featured on Killer Queen are probably just intrusive enough to actually piiss you off, as they did me; still, enough acts toy with cool songs (to great effect) to create songs that I (and the average Queen fan) can listen to and enjoy, which justifies Killer Queen's existence

Now, if we could only begin to justify Sum 41's existence, we'd be good to go.






Recommended: Yes