Dude, like AFI sucks now. I heard it from my sister. She was, like, crying when she was tearing down her poster of Davey Havok. I don't even know where she got the poster. But that's not the point, dude. AFI has broken my lil sis's heart!
Like, okay, AFI was once totally rockin', y'know? They put out all these hardcore punk records and totally went down with playing to the SoCal crowds with this literate blast of, uh, major punk riffage and total guitar meltdown! So fast and cool. Dude, you were there, right? Don't tell me you're a bandwagon jumper, you little poseur. You were there.
So I took the album out of my sis's garbage and put it on. Like, what's up with the opening, dude? I mean, I wanna hear Jade shredding, Hunter goin' nutso on the bass and Adam just bursting his drum set apart. Instead it's like, Miserie Cantare (The Beginning) is quiet and ... ew ... has gothy keyboard sounds. Like, the music is so soft and unsettled, that I can hear what Davey is saying! "Love ... your hate. Your ... faith lost. You ... are now. One ... of us." Dude, that scares me or something.
And why is AFI on the radio just because they have a great song in The Leaving Song, Part II? The song's popular? It must suck, then. I mean, what about us old AFI fans who were there since Black Sails in the Sunset? Oh yeah, and those older albums too, I guess. It's like, all these big words are floating around in the song, and then there's this part near the end when Davey sings "I saw its birth. I watched it grow. I felt it change me. I took the life. I ate it slow. Now it consumes me." Dude, I dunno about that. I don't like how mournful he sounds. He screams at the end, which is cool, but not, like, enough to make me feel any better.
And, like, Bleed Black is all sad and makes my sister cry. It's about this broken relationship, and there's this picture of a bat by it in the CD. That sucks! Why can't they just be punk? I totally hate the last lines "If you listen, listen close -- (beat by beat) -- you can hear when the heart stops. I saved the pieces when it broke and ground them all to dust." Davey, stop with the mean-sounding music! There's a melody and everything. Dude, go back to the days of Art of Drowning a few years ago when, like, the melodies were there but the production was raw and everything was so loud and you could only really hear the words when you read along with the booklet. I hate being able to like, clearly hear what you're saying. It's so depressing and sad and you're a big meany for making my sister cry!
God man, stop with these singalongs! I mean, dude, I can totally hear Silver and Cold in my head right now. It has the word "resplendence" in it. I hate looking words up. And dude, it's like totally not cool to have a chorus that sounds so happy and uplifting even when it's sad. "Your sins into me, oh my beautiful one." Say wha'? That's not punk! Listen to some Black Flag, some Dead Kennedys, some ... um ... Sex Pistols or Clash or ... dude, what's another punk band? Oh yeah, someone like the ... no, not Green Day, but like, oh forget it!
I'm gonna totally skip over Dancing Through Sunday, because I hate how easy it is to sing along to. "Swept off our feet by misery, we're swept into the shadows." That's so goth. God I hate goth. It's so sad and cruel and black and stuff. Davey, why are you doing this to us?
Girl's Not Grey is such a sell-out track! I, like, hear it all the time on KROQ! It's all dark and mournful and it's not punk enough! The chorus is "What follows me as the whitest lace of light just begs to be imbrued? What follows will swallow whole. What follows has lead me to this place where I belong, with all erased." Getting a chorus that intelligent and pondering on a station that plays a lot of Blink 182, No Doubt and Sublime is NOT a punk move! I want my money back, Davey!
I really hate Death of Seasons. It's like really cool for a while, but then a string section comes in and ruins the hardcore atmosphere! Then there's this total industrial section for eight seconds which is, like, evil if I pretend that there wasn't an industrial beginning to one of the songs off of Art of Drowning. Dude, stop trying to be someone you're not. Find your identity, awright? Why do you have to scream at the end "And I hope to shake the world as stars go out and I disintegrate," and then the "disintegrate" keeps reverbing back in smaller and smaller doses behind this really ghosted out ending. I hate being unsettled like that, dude. It like, puts tears in my eyes and stuff.
Dude, you should call this album The Great Disappointment, not just this one song. I bet I'm the first to say that! Heh, that's pretty clever. It's like, a five minute long song. What is this, the second side of Black Flag's My War? And the lyrics are all poetic and worrying about finding white creatures from a dream. What is it, dude? Snow? Just say it! Stop being so totally vague! Punk songs should never be this long and involved!
Dude, I wish the guys all the luck in the world. Don't get me wrong, they're a bunch of nice guys. Davey's got a lot of tats. But I mean, seriously, go back to what you know, awright? Paper Airplanes (Makeshift Wings) is so ... well, like, it starts "Raise high monolithic statues, so fragile. As they fall, I am ever enthralled. Gaze, lie and smirk in time. Your arrogance will suit you well 'til fashion is dispelled." I have no idea what that means. Somebody at school was trying to start a rumor that it was Davey watching the Twin Towers fall and feeling a mix of, uh, revulsion and anger at both the act and the knee-jerk reaction of hate and prejudice that America displayed as a result. But he's so wrong. I threw him into the lockers.
This Celluloid Dream? Ew, gross! Davey must like fat chicks! But what I don't get is like, if it's about celluloid, why is it, like a story about dreaming you're watching this movie where there's this really beautiful girl you can't have, and the chorus says something about "bathed in your radiance, I melt" or something. Dude, I just looked up celluloid, and it doesn't mean fat. What the?
Dude, it really annoys me that The Leaving Song happens near the end of the album, while The Leaving Song, Part II was near the beginning. It's so dumb and stuff. And the lyrics make no sense! "walked away, heard them say, poison hearts will never change." God Davey, just start wearing eyeliner and get it over with! Dude, he already does? That's so ew!
Okay, now the next song says it's the last, but it's such a lie. There's hidden tracks on this album. That's so not punk, even though, like, AFI hid a track at the end of The Art of Drowning. God, I hate how clean and smooth everything sounds. Sure, the guitar playing, the drum playing, the bass playing and the singing is all awesome, but dude, this album sucks! They so sold out! "walked away, heard them say, poison hearts will never change." Dude, that's not even the right lyrics! Sorry about that, but it's better than the dumb ol' lyrics that Davey comes up with. What a rat fink! Moping about being 26. Wondering if he'll ever feel right inside his own body. "give me something, give me something, give me something, give me something, give me something REAL." Dude, I would so push Davey into the lockers if I saw him. I don't care if he's, like, 26. He's old. He'll probably break.
Did I mention that on this album, he uses the word "discarnate"? I hate that!
Then there's this lame spoken word thing. Again with the Black Flag comparisons! God I hate it! It's like, you have this little kid talking about "the cancer of passion," and telling us that "Death is a midnight runner," and Davey coming in to tell us that we float dead in the river or something, and then, like, this old man saying something about scratching our names into the skin of the city and that despair is our music, and we sang it well or something. It's so overdone. It made me feel something.
Then the last hidden thing comes on, and marks the end of a wicked junky album! It's called This Time Imperfect, and it's, like, so lame!
I cannot leave here.
I cannot stay.
Forever haunted, more than afraid.
Asphyxiate on words I would say.
I'm drawn to a blackened sky as I turn blue.
There are no flowers, no, not this time.
There will be no angels gracing the lines,
Just these stark words I find.
I'd show a smile but I'm too weak.
I'd share with you,
Could I only speak.
That's only some of the lyrics. But see what I mean, dude? I mean, yeah, this album is full of great musicianship and lyrics. But, like, Butch Vig helped produce it. He, like, totally helped Nirvana on their sell-out album. And like, I hate Garbage so much. Plus he helped the Smashing Pumpkins, those whiners! And he even remixed some nine inch nails tracks once, and I bet they suck! But not as much as this album sucks.
Dude, wake up! Jeez, now I have to go through this whole thing again. Throw me a beer while you're up. Oh ... Shhh! Quiet! I think that's my sister knocking on the door. Tell her we don't have the album, okay?
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