Oh come on. You all knew this review was coming. When was the last time I spewed some venom forth on the what is now dozens of teeny bop pop artists out there vying for your hard earned dollars?

The answer is a while ago. I took on N'Sync's second album, No Strings Attached, and actually came away with a bit of respect for that group, if not much else. This time, it's all about your favorite rumor monger and mine, Britney Spears, and her new album Britney.

I've heard it all about Britney. "She's 18, she can do what she want." "She's got attitude." "She isn't some little girl." "The record company doesn't control her as much as you think." (I nearly pi*sed myself when I heard THAT one) And lastly, "you watch, she's the next Madonna. Now, it's no secret I'm not crazy about the Material Girl. However, she's always done things her way, she's never compromised herself (to my knowledge, my Madonna history isn't very good), and she, at the very least, is one of the most provocative artists in my lifetime. Plus, her last two albums have actually had me singing along a bit because the quality of the music has been pretty high.

The main point of this album seems to be that Britney is all grown up and no one's gonna tell her what to do anymore, kind of an expansion on the "I'm not so innocent" lines on the title track of her last album, Oops, I Did It Again.

My first clue that this wasn't going to be a great record was the fact that the lead single was also track #1 on the disc. I've been meaning to make this point for a long time, but it seems whenever an artist makes the first single the first track on the disc, it's because they're trying to hide the rest of the music for all those people who love "that song on the radio."

I'm a Slave 4 U is the first single. Produced by The Neptunes, this song musically is pretty infectious. It's got a nice dance beat and I would call it "classic" Neptunes. My problem lies in the lyrics and the vocal delivery. The song's about wanting to get on the dance floor and being "a slave to the music." Fair enough. Instead, Britney goes "lolita" on us again, panting like a b*tch in heat. So much for growth.

The second song is the first Max Martin entry on this record. Overprotected reminds me an awful lot of one of those Backstreet Boys songs from their third album. Maybe The Call? I don't know, I'm not exactly familiar enough with the BSB catalog to make the right comparison, but take my word for it, you've heard it before. The best part of the song is actually the spoken word intro. It comes across as different without being pretentious.

Lonely has a nice edge to it. This has the Janet Jackson edge ALL over it. Could it also be pointing to trouble in paradise with Britney's boy toy, Justin Timberlake?

To think I'm so naive
How dare you play with me
I gave you heart and soul, yeah
Tell me baby, please
Why you screwing with my head?

I point to that because of the writing credit that goes to Spears. Don't get too comfortable in that house in Hollywood just yet Justin pal.

The fourth song is the same ballad that you heard on the last two albums, at least musically. I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman is the title, and when I saw the title, I thought it actually held some potential. But it's your basic AAA radio ballad, nothing special. I guess I shouldn't be surprised this is Max Martin song #2.

Boys is the second tune produced by the Neptunes. It's pretty disappointing actually. It's way too similar to Slave, and jesus f*ucking christ, I think this is the last thing I want my twelve year old niece listening to. As far as a dance song goes, this isn't so bad, it's just already been done on this record and the lyrics are pretty risque, even by Britney's previous lolita like standards.

My first thought as Anticipating started: "jesus, God no, NOT DISCO!" That's right, Britney's gone disco on this track. Sadly, this will probably be single #2 and it will probably appear on a future NOW compilation. (Has a Britney single NOT appeared on one of those?) This reminds me of Janet Jackson as well, and it's obvious that the fact that Janet came out with an album while Britney was recording has influenced her with the songs she's part of.

By now you're halfway through the album. And you hit the most talked about track of the record: Britney's cover of the Joan Jett classic, I Love Rock 'N' Roll. Personally, I think Britney's A/R people made a huge mistake with this one. I would've had a full backing band jamming this motherf*cker out old school style and would've had Britney come out with some incredibly large image change. Instead, the song is pretty basic, more of a pop song now than a rock anthem, still with guitars although their so understated in the mix you might have to strain your ears to hear it.

Cinderella is the first Max/Britney co-written song and it's pretty obvious. The music is run of the mill late 90s pop stuff. Someone commented that they thought her voice was really blooming. I'm sorry, I don't see it. Sure, it's different than on her debut album, but she's also a bit older. She still can't hit any sort of range without straining herself badly. This song makes that much plainly obvious.

The ninth track on the record is also the best. Let Me Be has a nice beat, decent lyrics, and a great melody. There's also some nice studio tinkering with Britney's voice, but I guess that's a given. This might just be a 3rd or 4th single, but I can't see something this good actually being released as a "follow-up."

Bombastic Love. "Mr Boombastic, fairly fantastic..." Oh, I'm sorry, wrong song, my bad. Standard pop fare here. Shaggy probably should sue for his obvious influence on the lyrics. (Right, he has a hit album for the first time in 7 years and all of a sudden there's another song that rhymes bo(o)mbastic with fantastic.

Next up is what has to be Britney's ode to Justin, That's Where You Take Me. You can almost taste the saccharin on this one.

Closing the album out is Britney's collaboration with Justin, What It's Like to Be Me. I don't understand this song. Basically, it's about treating a significant other right. If anything, since both Britney and Justin are on it, it's just oozes with pretentiousness not seen since U2's Pop record.

Let's be honest here. Britney Spears doesn't have a great voice. She isn't exactly the deepest lyric writer, and at best, she might get to where Madonna was with Like a Prayer in 20 years. Her sex appeal is her only asset right now, and that's obvious from the way she milks it in her videos. If you're looking for a female pop album to give to your favorite teenager this Christmas, I urge you to give Michelle Branch or even Mandy Moore. But stay away from Britney. Stay far, far away.





Recommended: No