In the 1980s, famed choreographer and incredible dancer Paula Abdul was hired to make up routines for Janet Jackson's well-known Control era. And as a form of payment, Paula stole her style, mixed it with a lack of vocal talent and recorded Forever Your Girl. And the sad part? This is the best she's ever going to get-- especially since her latest single, Dance Like There's No Tomorrow, rightfully tanked. There's a plethora of things I could say about Ms. Abdul's character; she's insane. She's a hypocrite. She's a downright, drugged-out, pill-popping mess. She's an egomaniac. All true. But on the other hand, I'd rather talk about the music on this mid-80s trainwreck.

Okay. So, I like two tracks on this album, so let's get that cleared up right now. Straight Up is a fun-80s song that rips off the better part of Janet Jackson's charisma and blends it with music that sounds rather similar to that found in Sonic the Hedgehog. It's a little fun that someone would intentionally rip off a Paula Abdul song, but I digress. The video, shot in blue-tinted black and white has fun choreography and shows off the bubbly personality of Paula that we all loved. At least until we realized that she can't sing. As she struggles to hit the notes in the line "How about some information pleeeeaaaassse?" You see, the music gets very minimal here, and you blatantly hear just how unbelievably flat she is. That said, it's a great jam. I'd love to hear Ms. Janet take this song to the next level.

Next up, I love Cold Hearted Snake and the video that comes along with it, featuring some of the most sexual choreography I've ever seen-- it's notable that Paula used both heterosexual and homosexual couples in the routine. The song itself is exactly the song that Paula Abdul needs. It's remarkably simple and doesn't try to take her lackluster voice to places it can't possibly ago. Very good, Paula. That said, the break in which she raps and repeatedly says "Cold cold cold cold hearted sssss...snake!" is blatantly Ms. Jackson in the song Nasty.

So, let's get to the crap, otherwise known as the rest of the damn album.

Forever Your Girl is a trainwreck with no hook. I mean, it's not even catchy. If you're going to make a crappy dime-a-dozen album cut, make it a little catchy. The song is never-freaking-ending and her voice can't match up to the track, and that's pathetic considering that it's one of the lamest I've ever heard. It's no shock that Paula Abdul's singing career didn't last longer than a few years. I'm surprised it went beyond this one. Opposites Attract shows that while Paula may have some personality, she seriously cannot sing a note. There were so many 1980s pop acts that hand talent. Tiffany and Debbie Gibson both have amazing voices, and they are both very talented songwriters. I don't know why Paula Abdul was chosen as a judge on American Idol. So You Think You Can Dance? Maybe. But American Idol? Are you kidding? That's like Madonna judging a cooking show. It just makes no sense.

Knocked Out is a bad self-parody of Straight Up. It's got the weird production that makes it sound like Janet Jackson mixed with no-talent. The verses are ... Well, I don't understand them. Paula mumbles and wails with her unclear, unimpressive vocals, but I'm sure they aren't exactly witty or incredible. The chorus fares a little better, as it's catchy. That said, I can't understand what she's saying, and her atrocious voice is softer than the cheesy 1980s sound effects. I don't know what she was thinking.

*Update.*

It seems that the quality of this review has been called into question for only mentioning the hit singles, something that just kind of happened naturally. There were five singles released from this record, which is over 50% of the record. And really, they are the only songs that stand out, even if Paula did contribute to the songwriting on One Way or Another. None of the album cuts stand out there is a definite reason they have been forgotten. It's Just the Way You Love Me is just a headache packed it a song, starting out with an obnoxious vocal effect that would make even Cher laugh. I kind of feel that if you need to start of your record with a cheap effect like this, then it's going to the set the tone for the rest of your album.

From what I've read on Paula Abdul, quite a few fans consider State of Attraction to be an underrated track. That's shocking, because this definitely the worst she sounds out the entire record. Possibly her career. I mean, she's flat, she's off, she's nasally-- and all to an extreme. The song's production isn't bad, though. It's typical 1980s dance music, but Paula's lack of vocal ability just ruins it. Somehow you make my body come alive ... you make me want you WANT YOU. Well, that's nice Paula, but since you have the voice of a strangled cat, I don't think this guy is gonna want you back.

Paula's nasally voice and lack of true direction paved the way for nothing. I'm sure she's very proud.

Tracklist
It's Just the Way That You Love Me
Knocked Out
Opposites Attract
State of Attraction
I Need You
Forever Your Girl
Straight Up
Cold Hearted (Snake)
One or the Other

Recommended: No