Since I’m planning on being unemployed again soon, I figured it was time to get going again on the stuff I did last year to support my slacker a-s-s: Write epinions; sell my cds. But this time, I’m gonna mix the two and actually write reviews on the cd’s I’m selling before I sell them – and I’m selling all of ‘em – because, frankly, I’m pretty much tapped out on restaurant reviews and making fun of 29th Candidate, and reviewing all my cd’s in alphabetical order is sufficiently gimmicky to keep me interested for a few weeks, or until I get to “c”. Also unique and gimmicky about my reviews is that I’m gonna tell you what I got for ‘em on the aftermarket market.

And when you see this collection, you’ll see that it’s no great loss selling all these cds, ‘cause a great many of ‘em suck, beginning with the first, in alphabetical order: PAULA ABDUL’S FOREVER YOUR GIRL. Up till this sentence, I have never listened to PAULA ABDUL’S FOREVER YOUR GIRL, but I assure you I will by the time I get to the bottom of the next paragraph. I bought the album for $1.99 about 7 years ago, double the price I paid for MC HAMMER’S PLEASE HAMMER DON’T HURT ‘EM the same day. And mainly I bought it as a joke, except now I guess I can admit that I really liked that song “Straight Up” and the severe, post-Tony Basil deconstructed cheerleader moves from the video of that song, back in like 1988.

FOREVER YOUR GIRL begins with “The Way That You Love Me” which AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHAHHHHHHHHH, MY FREAKIN EARS.

“The Way That You Love Me” was one of four hits off of this album, and it’s got a little bit of everything bad from the ‘80s. You’ve got your CAMEO style synthesized voice, you got your not-quite MARY JANE GIRLS not quite wall of sound, and your early MADONNA hollow range-lacking voice. But get this, you also get a guitar solo baby! Just like Judas Priest, and Randy Rhodes from Ozzy’s band, and Iron Maiden. Except this guitar solo sucks.

The second song, “Knocked Out”, I’m not even really sure what she was trying to do here. Either her producer was stoned or then boyfriend Arsenio Hall got one of his ET fingers stuck in the mixing console.

“Opposites Attract” drew on the powerful influences of Gloria Estefan, Debbie Gibson and Who Framed Roger Rabbit (for the video). The song also tackles an age-old enigma: The magnetism between people from different worlds. Like Tony and Maria in West Side Story; like Romeo & Juliet in the movie of the same name, like Ross and Rachael, Abdul and her duet partner (played by someone named “The Wild Pair”) have a love that conquers their unconquerable differences. For instance, he likes the movies, and she likes T.V.; she likes it neat, and he makes a mess, she don’t like cigarettes, and he likes to smoke. But oh, those wacky kids, even though they’re always taking two steps forward and two steps back, they come together, ‘cause opposites attract.

The next song, “State of Attraction” is some kind of homage to VANITY 6, but Ms. Abdul appears to have had a cold while overdubbing the vocals, so I’m not entirely certain it works. Likewise, “I Need You” reeks of MORRIS DAY AND THE NIGHTS, but she don’t have no Jerome, so it doesn’t count.

The title track, “Forever Your Girl” was the third hit off this album. Nuff said.

“Straight Up”. Ooooh Yeeeeeeaaaaaah. Oh man, it comes on and I just can’t even stop jukin’ my shoulders all over the place and pop-locking like Rerun on a meth binge. Everything about this song is just a pop delight, like BRITNEY SPEARS’ “Baby One More Time”, except instead of the “ooh baby baby” Abdul does the “a Ba Ba Ba Ba, Ba Ba Ba Ba Ba, a do-do ya love me (doo-doo yaa love me), babay.”

Same thing. It works. And back in 1988, Paula Abdul singing that song pretty much gave me that same boner Britney gives me now, I’m ashamed to admit, except Paula was legal.

But then Abdul returns to form with “Next to You” a complete piece of crap ballad, that would have been a piece of crap if it had come out when it sounds like it came out – 1975.

“Cold Hearted Snake” is easily the second best song on PAULA ABDUL’S FOREVER YOUR GIRL, but that ain’t saying much. It’s about a guy who is not very sensitive to her needs, and she tells him to “look into her eyes” because, like, he is a cold hearted snake and she is a mongoose or something. I don’t know. It’s kinda poppy and not altogether unlistenable, but it’s not anything that it would ever occur to you to play.

So, in conclusion, PAULA ABDUL’S FOREVER YOUR GIRL was never what you would call a “relevant” album, but it might be enjoyable for kids who like the BACKSTREET BOYS, N’SYNC or BRITNEY SPEARS, but whose mothers don’t have enough food stamps to trade for an album by one of those artists.

I would say to those mom’s, “Get thee to a used record store’s bargain basement bin and pick up this little gem for 49 cents” except that when I took the cd in, my local record store told me they didn’t have any need for it at any price. So I now I have a nice colorful new coaster. Enjoy.



Recommended: No

Great Music to Play While: Romancing