Comin' back at ya for anotha Bee-athory review. Word up.

You know, it's awfully hard to give a Bathory review the street twist needed to grab attention. They (or he, since Bathory was a one-man pony) stood so far outside the mainstream that it's hard to connect them (he) with anybody who's not a corpsepaint-wearing Norwegian thug. This is the not the stuff of halftime shows or Saturday mornings with the kids.

Please see my review of Bathory's first album if you're desperately in need of background info. There's not much to know about the band, other than it was the brainchild of a Swede named Quorthon, who is now singing back-up for the Worm Buffet Ensemble (in other words, he's dead). He paraded around under the name of a sadistic Hungarian countess, and inspired lots of bands to pursue a career in Satanic metal-making. Quorthon's efforts are adored by a few, but to most, he's as unknown as that guy who's been bangin' your gal. And probably far less friendly.

Bathory followed up its goat-headed debut with a second album that is nearly identical to the first. It has a scary celestial body in a sh*t-brown sky on the cover, and that can only mean trouble for amateur astronomers. Musically, Quorthon stays the course, with the usual emphasis on Satan, Lucifer, pain, killing, the Devil, torture, Mephistopheles, sacrifice, and He-Who-Walks-On-Cloven-Hooves. Oh yeah, there's a little virgin rape in there to break up the monotony.

If you can tolerate this kind of music at all, then it's up there at the top of its class. If you belong to the 99.99999% of the human race that can't stand thrashy metal with a foreigner dry-heaving lyrics about things wicked and evil, then you ought not to explore its depths. That seems simple, and having said it, let's examine the songs in question.

Quorthon notifies us from the get-go that he was not moving toward an Elton John-type sound. One of Bathory's strong points is that the first song always starts out with an intro that's designed to induce tension. "Total Destruction" delivers on that promise, opening up as it does with a scary booming, screams, and the sounds of chaos fading in. The guitar line cranks, the thrash beat thrashes, and whoever played the drums that day got quite the cardio work-out. The vocal line is punchy, sort of similar to Metallica's "Fight Fire With Fire". Lyrically, we have twelve days of total eclipse, burning skies, and battle cries; "Armageddon is here", and boy, it sounds it.

The riff to "Born For Burning" could've come from the hands of early Fates Warning, and might actually feature a gong being spanked. Dedicated to some 16th century Dutch witch, this one isn't really thrash per se, and comes across as a prototype of whatever style Rammstein plays. The lyrics are filthy and fiery; how else can one describe words that deal with "the lips of her c*nt" and "her sacred flesh falling apart"? What makes the mental image more disturbing is that the witch in question was probably a little wrinkled where it counted.

"Wind Of Mayhem" sounds like an early Megadeth outtake. All thrashy like, with a solo that makes no attempt to stay in key. "Satanas is present but yet he is unseen" is the deepest line I could pull from this mess.

Oh yes, just what I needed, a Satanic thrash metal sex fantasy that interrupts the evil mood. "Bestial Lust (Bi*ch)" finds Quorthon bragging about his gal, who "suck me to the core" and "f*ck my helpless body". No word on why the man refuses to end his verbs with an "s". Kind of Motorheady, by the way.

But hey, don't worry- we're back to evil! "Possessed" is like an engine revving; you know, fast, dark, and written to freak out the "Jesus loves me" crowd. There's a "bad moon on the rise", but this sure as hell ain't John Fogerty relaying the message.

Do we have a Bathory snap-along on "The Rite Of Darkness"? More blasphemous hanky-panky, with naked bodies forming a circle and the semen burning in sacred flames (?). I hate to be petty here, but subject-verb agreement was NOT his thing ("wounds stands open wide", "the witches sings"). Then again, he WAS Swedish, and not too many Americans are atop the grammar game these days (meself included).

At some point, the previous song became "Reap Of Evil" without my knowing it, since the digital number still says track 6. Now THAT'S evil. Goes from thrashy to frantic to finished in a firestorm of burning flesh and devilish growls.

The next track, "Son Of The Damned", is nuthin' you ain't heard before. The holy deity gets raped, a newborn child gets slayed, mortals "runs" with fear, and the Holycaust is near. Does this guy know how to party or what?

More of same on "Sadist", where No Throat Gomez rapes, slays, stabs, and lacerates. He's like a Swiss Army Satanist or something, I guess.

Wooo- we're almost through. The darkness and evil return on "The Return Of The Darkness And Evil", but I wasn't aware that they had gone anywhere. The main characters in this infernal affair are a black witch of beauty (Beyonce?), legions of scorn (teenagers), and the crying "raped souls of Heaven" (my paychecks, after taxes). It's the closest thing to a sing-along you're gonna get from Bathory, so join in if you know the grunts. Below the lyrics in the CD booklet, there's a picture (medieval woodcut, presumably) of a woman sniffing the Devil's butt, and to that I say....ewww.

The mystery/hidden track is all of twenty seconds long, and includes a heartbeat, a demonic "AH!" and nothing else besides. Probably didn't make the greatest hits collection.

As I mentioned, if this stuff gets you going, then you probably already own it. Bathory is considered a legend in their tiny little circle, which of course has a five pointed star scrawled within its boundary. I like to listen to Bathory while I'm gnawing on soup bones and fantasizing about the things I'd do if I had a dungeon at my disposal. It's also fun to throw it on while my wife is watching "Desperate Housewives", if only to rediscover the true meaning of the word "conflict".


Bathory http://www.epinions.com/content_171596222084

Under The Sign Of The Black Mark http://www.epinions.com/content_181132889732

Recommended: Yes