Darkmistress's Full Review: Michael Bolton [1983] by Michael Bolton
I nearly hurt myself when this tape started playing. See, I was leaning back putting my hair up sitting in a rolling office chair so it was kind of a precarious position anyway. Then the tinky keyboard started which made me giggle, but it was the guitar screaming guitar that nearly sent me to the floor. I don’t know, Michael Bolton in a faux leather jacket, singing hard rock. What’s not funny about that?
This was Michael’s first album. He knew he wanted to be a star and, apparently, he didn’t care how he got there. Hard rock was popular in 1983 and it’s got that San Francisco sound. (Huey Lewis, Journey, Starship.) I don’t know if it was recorded in San Francisco because I have the cheapest tape version on Earth, but it sure sounds like it. So much like it that occasionally a theme or arrangement will have me thinking it’s somebody else (much like Tori Amos sounds like a faint copy of Kate Bush’s Sensual World.)
Fool’s Game
The aforementioned hard rock / tinky keyboard / falling out of chair song. Memorable? Heck no. (Unless you actually do injure yourself listening to it because it’s Michael Bolton.)
She Did the Same Thing
Hard rock bubble gum. Some chick did him wrong, but there isn’t enough soul to the singing to convince me that it was a bad thing.
Hometown Hero
I swear this song was done by somebody else, but since I have no liner notes I can’t confirm that. Still it could just be that the subject is so cliched that it only sounds like everybody else has done it. "Live the life of a rolling stone / See the world from a 1000 stages / Ain’t no feeling like you’ve ever known / When a hometown hero comes home." Yawn.
Can’t Hold On, Can’t Let Go
This one appeared on Eric Martin’s self titled disc and I have to say that, while it’s still a substandard song, Martin’s version is positively brilliant next to this. He’s trying so hard to sound convincing that he sounds completely fake.
Fighting For My Life
Um, how about Fighting for My Career? More crunchy guitar and wishing we could afford Neal Schon or Pat Benetar’s guitar play (Neal something, I forget. Geraldo?) The lyrics I can make out are cliched and dull. I bet Michael’s embarrassed that this is for sale.
Paradise
I'm sorry, hard rock Michael just makes me laugh. Dull and lifeless like over treated hair.
Back In My Arms Again
Oh goody, more grinding guitars. Boy do I wish I knew who his guitar player was, you know, just for curiosity’s sake. I wonder if he’s living in South America under an assumed name just so that people won’t walk up to him on the street and say "Hey, did you play hard rock guitar for Michael Bolton?"
Carrie
This is the one and only gem on this album. And it’s still not worth the price of the whole thing. I doubt it’s even worth the price of having to listen to all the other songs in order to get to it. It’s still very cliched and sounds like it fell off of Bon Jovi’s first album by accident (there's a scary combo, Bon Jovi and Michael Bolton.) There is a nice little tempo shift in the middle which only makes me think he was looking at Wings and saying "McCartney does this and he’s famous so I’ll do it too."
I Almost Believed You
‘I almost believed you too, but you over emoted so much that I laughed.’ Hackneyed, cliched and dull.
If I had it to do all over again, I would probably buy this album again just because if I ever start to think of Michael Bolton as an artist all I have to do is play this tape. It reminds me that Michael isn’t an artist, he just has a sign around his neck that says "Will sing anything to be famous."
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