Why am I attacking Tori Amos? More hits of course! We all know how valuable hits are. And besides this here is a Write Off and the competition for toughest chick is at hand. Or maybe I’m just feeling aggressive because it’s seven days before Christmas and I’ve got people flabbergasted that I can’t guarantee their special ordered book of the year to arrive by Christmas.

Actually, there's a very good reason I’m going after that particular bag of wind w/o talent. Many moons ago I worked in a used CD emporium with the usual cast of characters. The smooth R&B guy (aka Dave or Fuzzy,) the long haired heavy metal guy (I love you Dan!) jazz guy of normally good taste (Mike or Black Cloud,) and too hip for you loser boy (aka, the guy who fingered me for stealing from the safe when he was the only one with the combination.)

Now at this particular time I was engaged in a heavy Kate Bush period. If I didn’t listen to Kate once a day I would go into convulsions. Also at this time Tori Amos had released a new album and Black Cloud decided he had a severe attraction for her. Now let me add that, at the used CD emporium, when ever the mix of five or six CDs ended the manager would tell us each to go pick out a CD. I did not inflict Kate on my co workers daily, but Mike would inflict Amos sans Andy on us every mix. At least once a week I would be doing my thing and Tori would come on and I would perk up, make a bee line for the front of the store and ask "Is there a new Kate Bush album?" And in all honestly yet! I was routinely tricked into believing that Kate had released a new album because Tori had stolen her style so completely.

Then the argument would ensue. Black Cloud would insist that Tori didn’t sound anything like Kate. I would yank something out of the mix to prove that she did indeed. Eerily so in fact, if one didn’t realize that she’d stolen style for style. Fuzzy, who didn’t care one way or another, would agree with me that it sounded awfully similar and Kate’s album had come out ten years earlier. Poor Dan would jut try to get us to stop fighting. Loser boy would try to provoke me because he thought the sound of my voice was funny when I got mad. (Something about sounding like a lobster boiling.)

I wonder if this is why I had a tepid response to the movie Hi Fidelity. Too much like real life @ the used CD emporium.

The following is not the text of a real conversation, but rather a compilation of many, much like Tori’s albums are compilations of Kate’s.

Black Cloud: But Tori wrote about being raped!

Me: I can write about being raped! I can do all kinds of things to be shocking! This Woman’s Work is about giving birth – from the father’s perspective.

Black Cloud: Tori plays guitar. Kate plays piano.

Me: Duh, that doesn’t exactly create a huge stylistic difference.

Dan: Guys, we have customers in the store.

Black Cloud: Tori doesn’t do the standard, boring, silly love songs. (He throws this in to get me to defend Paul McCartney at the same time, but I know better than to fight a war on two fronts.)

Me (holding out Sensual World lyrics): Never Be Mine, pal. "I want you as I want the dream / Not the reality / That clumsy goodbye kiss could fool me / But I’m looking back over my shoulder / At you happy without me." (Which I can quote without looking at.) Or better. Deeper Understanding. A woman in love with her computer. In 1989 yet!

Black Cloud: Tori says she's never heard of Kate Bush.

Me: She’s lying! If she’d never heard of Kate Bush then Tad Williams has never read The Hobbit. (This confuses them. Tad Williams is the leading expert on JRR Tolkein. He also wrote a book called Tailchaser’s Song which is basically The Hobbit with cats.)

Fuzzy: She sounds a lot like Kate, Mike. She’s got a great voice too. It sounds like Sarah Brightman.

Loser boy: She’s probably a lesbian.

Me: That doesn’t even matter! (Quoting Reaching Out) "See how the child reaches out instinctively / To feel how fire will feel // See how the man reaches out instinctively / For what he cannot have." And she manages to sing and dance at the same time in her shows, a feat Madonna cannot manage.

Black Cloud: You probably think Sarah McLaughlin is ripping off Kate too.

Me: No. I like Sarah McLaughlin, but she sounds completely different and she’s not wandering around claiming to have never heard of Kate while sounding just like her.

Black Cloud: Tori was influenced by Led Zeppelin.

Me: My @$$!

Dan: Christine! Customers!

Black Cloud: Kate was influenced by Pink Floyd.

Me: No, she was discovered by David Gilmore. She was influenced by the Beatles and Irish folk music. And she doesn’t even sound like them. (Which is quite a feat considering how many styles the Beatles, together and solo, have covered. I’ve never picked up the Irish connection other than a leaning toward tragedy.) She also doesn’t sound particularly late 80’s or new wave. Pop rock possibly. She’s got a great cover of Elton John’s "Rocket Man" on Two Rooms.

Loser boy: She’s got to be a lesbian.

Me (in full lobster): She’s married to her guitar player!

Eventually (over the course of a year or so) Black Cloud agreed that, yes, Tori sounded suspiciously like Kate and arguing that Sarah McLaughlin sounded like Kate too was a specious attempt to throw me off. He never admitted to trying to use Paul against me.

And so, if you consider yourself a Tori Amos "fan" go now and purchase Sensual World. You will only be disappointed by the realization of how long you’ve been duped.

This has been Darkmistress’ crabby edition to the Chicks Rock Write Off to celebrate the two year anniversary of Dustygold and Kristinafh. The other participants are:

adjensen, Afterglow34, arielssong, brothermansoul, Charles_Tatum, chezon, chrisceb, churst, cletta1201, cynicalone, Daniel_Rf, DavidK93, DavidMac, deaser26, Debbie26, divad23, dolphin4a, dragonfire88, educatedphool, eplovejoy, FraggleMom, frazzledspice, GinaHill, Greatpilgrim, gungian, HawgWyld, JediKermit, jeff_wilder78, Joubert, jphalt, kcfoxy, kevlog, KingpinLJC, kuuleimomi, lambchops, LEDOMAINE, madtheory, MattA75, mauriced, melissasrn, MiDoyle, mnehr, movielover123, ObiWanJabroni, Officer, pageclot, paulyoungotti, pogomom, Psychovant, repulsemonkey, sarah_knipper, saulsbury, Saxguy,
scmrak, seric26, shadow_dream, sleestakk, sslabs, sumo_rhino, SurgRN911, theciscokid, 3BCoach, tigger500, 29th_Candidate, Wokelstein, xiphoid, and your two adorable hostesses, kristinafh and dustygold who are now both making sure that I am not on their trust lists and swearing to never invite me to another write off.

Since we are all really cool you should read all the submissions or possibly just click the Most Helpful button with blind faith, but you would then be missing out on the best education in music you are likely to find.


Recommended: Yes