Nowhere is there better proof that critics should only be ignored or pilloried than in the contrast between the two Conan movies. 1982’s Conan the Barbarian was a masterful film. But too many of the self-consciously intelligent simply didn’t get it. It was worlds removed from their narrow experience. They either dismissed it or misinterpreted it, reading camp into every nuance of what is actually a very serious film. Unfortunately, producers aren’t much brighter than critics, and tend to listen to the later ardently. The result was 1984’s Conan the Destroyer a stupid film that tries too hard for camp and humor and upholds none of its predecessor’s respectability.
The story opens with Conan having acquired a sidekick, Malak. This runt of a thief is a mere parody of Barbarian’s Subotai. His purpose is comic relief, but his shenanigans invariably fall flat and the character is so annoying there could be only one reason for laconic Conan to keep the little guy around. But even that reason is suspect since Conan is plainly obsessed with his dead girlfriend Valeria. This obsession is taken advantage of by the sorceress-queen Taramis, who promises Conan she’ll resurrect Valeria if he accomplishes a mission for her.
The quest is to retrieve the horn of Taramis’s god Dagoth. It can only be handled by a (sacrificial) virgin, Princess Jehnna, whose escort, Bombaata, has orders to kill Conan once the horn is found. This happy little party is soon joined by Zula, an amazon, and Akiro, Conan’s old wizard friend. Their adventures lead them through cannibal-infested woods, a magician’s crystal palace, a lost crypt, and finally face to face with the demon-god Dagoth himself.
Along the way, the unmaiden-like Jehnna repeatedly tries to seduce Conan, soliciting advice from the last person who would know anything about romance, Zula. The black amazon seems to have a crush on Conan herself, but respects his privacy, unlike Malak, whose advances Zula has to fend off. Akiro (again played by Mako) is even more ridiculous than in Barbarian, and Bombaata is actually the most consistent character.
Arnold was too new to have turned down this sequel, even if he had recognized its flaws. His Conan is entirely out of place in this group of misfits and his will seems a shadow of its strength in the first movie. More solid, though wholly flat, is Wilt Chamberlain’s Bombaata. Grace Jones’s Zula is a cartoon all the way down to the animal tail that covers her butt. This was Olivia d’Abo’s first role (she’s best known as Kevin Arnold’s big sister in "The Wonder Years") so she can hardly be blamed for Jehnna’s inconsistencies. Other than Wilt Chamberlain, the best acting was perhaps Andre the Giant’s uncredited role as the horned god in the climax. Wilt Chamberlain and Andre the Giant. What else do I have to say?
Well, the work behind the camera deserves some attention. Most important to note is the absence of John Milius’s bloody genius. Instead, a handful of hacks came up with this story, and Richard Fleischer somehow ended up directing. The result is as uninspired as the tacky special effects—pathetic compared to his Tora! Tora! Tora!, and perhaps even weaker than his Red Sonja (1985). Just about the only thing producers Dino and Raffaella De Laurentiis didn’t change for the worse in this sequeal (unintentionally misspelled, though I think it appropriate) is the music. Milius had to convince them against a pop score for the first movie, and Basil Poledouris’s orchestrations are so magnificent the Laurentiises brought them back. But there’s little new music here, and the tracks from Conan the Barbarian are like miscast pearls among the swine that crowd Conan the Destroyer.
Interestingly, the Laurentiises managed to kill two movies in the Mexican desert that year. David Lynch was also hampered by their meddling in his Dune. But that film achieved at least some of its potential. Conan the Destroyer is a total loss. Chalk it up to the impulse to cater to the ‘educated’ by dumbing down your material. A telling sign is that, unlike the R-rated Barbarian, Destroyer is PG. Now, I could have done without the sex in Barbarian, but this is just another indication of the childishness of Destroyer.
Schwarzenegger has voiced interest in finally filming a third Conan movie. Robert E. Howard’s one full-length Conan novel, The Hour of the Dragon would be perfect material, portraying an older Conan. But the prospect fills me with dread. Were such a project to proceed with Destroyer’s infantile tone I’d be sickened. But if it returned to the majesty of Barbarian I’d gladly embrace it.
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