I one day want to make a film to call my own. I want it to move the world. I want it to make people look at society differently. I want it to make people think about it days after viewing it. It would be my vision, my work of art-
But, with filmmaking being such a task, as to put your vision on the screen, why, oh why, would you put up something cheap, ugly and utterly pointless?
Rick Sloane, is the genius behind this film that is like a mix between Gremlins and soft porn. The story is about a guy named Kevin, who decides to become a security guard under the supervision of a guy that looks frighteningly similar to "The Juice Man". So, coming home from his new job, he meets up with his friends at his house. The film is full of delightful characters, let's go over them:
Kevin's Girlfriend: Soft spoken, conservative, average looking. But, a stripper too.
Nick: Kevin's friend who is in the military. Likes to beat up his friends with rakes. Throws grenades in any random direction. Likes to have sex in blue vans.
Nick's Girlfriend: More sleazy than Nicole Kidman in Eyes Wide Shut, more ugly than the Uday and Qusay after they'd been killed, wears condoms as a necklace. Also likes to have sex in a blue van.
Wow, what a great cast of colorful, outstanding characters.
Back to the story, when Kevin comes home, it turns out that Nick is back from the army, and to greet Kevin, he challenges him to a rake fight. Now, I know that it's not fair to compare this to the epic chariot race in Ben Hur, but even with it's low budget, couldn't Hobgoblins come up with a better fight sequence than to use rakes? Why not super soakers? Twigs? Straw? Screwdrivers? There's an infinite amount of other random objects that one can use other than a rake, but of course, I am not one to judge Rick Sloane. Why did Kubrick use "The Thieving Magpie" as background music throughout A Clockwork Orange? Why did Hitchcock chose to use NO music throughout all of The Birds. Both directors have their reason, and I'm sure Mr. Sloane does as well....though I can't point out why.
So, as it turns out, the cooky old security guard turns out to be a guardian for hand puppets from Burger King, otherwise known as Hobgoblins. Why does he guard them. I dunno, perhaps because he has a simbiotic relationship with the hobgoblins? Perhaps the Hobgoblin from Spider Man is his favorite character? Maybe he's dumb? So, he guards these hobgoblins by keeping them in a vault (which is kept unlocked and open for some odd reason), but as anyone can predict, they escape.
So, the hobgoblins battle Kevin and his buddies for a while, but only for a while. After all the mayhem, Nick and his slezebag girlfriend have sex, and then they all decide to go to "Club Scum" and excellent choice of a location for this film. At club scum, as you may as well have predicted, there is a lot of scum. You got scummy people, scummy waitresses, scummy entertainment, and scummy gangs. Plus the bad that performs a song: "Pig Licker", which can also be interpritated as "Iced Chicken", "Boot Licken", "For Kicken", "Boxed Knickers"...there is no actual title for the song, because it always sounds different whenever the band says it.
"PIG LICKA!"
So, after the "Pig Licker" song, the hobgoblins also decide to, out of the entire city, also go to club scum. And, Nick is soon possessed by the hobgoblins to throw explosives around the bar, which he does, killing a lot of innocent people along the way. All ends well when the hobgoblins go back to their vault, just to get blown up by the old security guard, who had had explosives up there the whole time.
So, I must ask one question: WHY DIDN'T YOU BLOWN THEM UP IN THE BEGINNING AND SPARE US 90+ MINUTES OF PAIN!!!!
Hobgoblins is the Alpha and Omega of bad movies. It's worse than other such films up for the prize as the worst movie ever made, like: Red Zone Cuba, Manos: The Hands of Fate and The Creeping Terror. These movies at least tried to have some sort of quality, but fell flat on their face. Hobgoblins is doubly painful, because, while in technical terms, it's trying to be intentionally cheesy, the jokes are so dirty, so unfunny and so hard to watch, that film is entitled to the prize for WORST MOVIE EVER.
I only recommend this film to people that love the 80's, are constantly drunk, addicted to crack, jerk off at least 80 times a day, worships Satan, and thinks that "Pig Licker/Iced Chicken" would make a good song.
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