Plot Details: This opinion reveals major details about the movie's plot.

What up, my brothas! Welcome to my Black Christmas (and I don't mean Q'Uanz'hah, or whatever the hell it is) write off. Come celebrate the best and worst of hard hitting, hard lovin', two fisted, no nonsense blaxploitation flicks ever offered by Hollywood (and of course from outside the studio system, too). The sleazy, the exploitative, the classics, the forgotten and the crap - all examined over the 12 days of Christmas. However, with this comes a disclaimer:

WARNING! Absolutely no one under 18 admitted to this review!

No, seriously. While I do try and keep in mind that epinions is an all-ages site and do try to mind my manners appropriately, there's no point in being polite when discussing movies like these. Salty language may and will creep in from time to time.

And with that, on to L:ADY COCOA! Can you dig it?

We open in prision in the middle of winter, on one of the nicest decorated, comfiest cells this side of Stalag 13. Meet Cocoa, a gun moll to a mobster from Harlem who's moving his operations into Reno. It seems that Cocoa has been refusing to give up her boyfriend and has been held on contempt. Well, it looks like she's ready to sing like a canary and turn states evidence - which is where Lt. Ramsey Miller (Alex Dreier, a name you wouldn’t know unless you watched a lot of Love, American Style) and Doug the Beat Cop (Gene Washington, a name you really wouldn’t know unless you were intimately familiar with the extras in Airport 1975) come in. They've been assigned to protect Cocoa and keep her alive for the night. Needless to say, her boyfriend has a different opinion on the matter, and sends his minions (played by none other than Mean Joe "hey, want a coke?" Greene and some other guy) up to Lake Tahoe to deal with the matter.

Cocoa, of course, doesn’t help matter any. She's tired of being cooped up in her hotel room and wants out, wants to go shopping, get some gambling in, have dinner with the most Seventies couple ever seen on film (white man fro and love medallions don’t begin to do this couple justice) and spout very odd philosophy. And so we get some back and forth cat and mouse between the silent but deadly hit men and the cops, crosses and double crosses, good cops going bad, rookie cops performing bravely, love interest, car chases on foot (don’t ask) and of course - nookie! While I can't say the twists surprised me, the script - from the pen of George Theakos - was written tightly enough that it didn’t really bug me. It also helped that the performances were rock solid. Dreier was surprisingly very effective as the senior officer six weeks from retirement (no - really, he is. He even says so towards the start of the film). Washington, on the other hand, plays a stiff as a board copper from the ghetto, who manages to sell his rookie status well.

The flicks tiny budget is painfully obvious, but the production manages to rise above it for the most part - although I wish they had sunk a bit more of the budget into the score, which consisted mostly of, and I kid you not, variations of Pop Goes The Weasel. The disco lounge version was exceptionally painful. *wince*

Ok, the first reel of the flick too it's time to get going, but once the ball is rolling, it's entertaining fluff.

RUDY RAY MOORE OR PAM GRIER? No
BREASTS ON DISPLAY: 2 (and a pair of falsies)
A BRUTHA GETS SOME: 1 times
MUSICAL NUMBERS: 1
EXPLOSIONS: 0
ROUNDS FIRED: 47
HANDRAIL DEATHS: 0
CAR CHASES: 1 (kind of - but it's through a casino!)
AFROS: 2
F BOMBS DROPPED: 18
WHITEYS THAT GET IT: 1
BEST LINE:And I danced with you. Son of a bitch. (Doug upon finding out his dance partner was really a guy)
SEVENTIES FASHION SENSIBILITIES: 83%
SOUL POWER 10%

THE DVD -
Ok, this DVD is another Brentwood Public Domain special, so you can guess what the quality was like. Now take that guess and half it - and you're in the ballpark of where this thing was at. Of all the Brentwood PD discs I've seen, this one takes the cake. There was a ton of print damage (especially around the reel changes), the colors were all over the map in terms of washed-outed-ness (even dropping color for a few moments), and the soundtrack had some MAJOR popping and hissing for the first couple of reels. Oddly enough, the print seems to be widescreen anamorphic. Ok, it looks like shit, but you can't fault them for pan-and-scan!

Oh, one thing of note - for some reason, Brentwood flashed subtitles of the mastering house and their studio up in some kind of trippy copyright thing. It only happens once for just a few seconds, but it's worth noting.

THE EXTRAS -
Hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah . . . *deep breath* hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah!!!!

THE BOTTOM LINE
A shockingly good film - well, as far as blaxploitation goes, that is. Some pretty sharp writing, acting that aint half bad, and some interesting character development - pity there's not a lot of stuff going on in the first half.

ON THE TWELVE DAYS OF BLACK CHRISTMAS, MY SOUL BRUTHAS GAVE TO ME. . . .
12) BLACULA
11) JACKIE BROWN
10) THE FINAL COMEDOWN
09) SHAFT IN AFRICA
08) UNDERCOVER BROTHER
07) DOLEMITE
06) BLACK MAMA, WHITE MAMA
05) MEAN JOHHNY BARROWS
04) TROUBLE MAN
03) SUPERFLY
02) THE MACK
And a LADY COCOA in a pear tree. . . .



Recommended: Yes

Viewing Format: DVD
Video Occasion: Better than Watching TV
Suitability For Children: Not suitable for Children of any age