Plot Details: This opinion reveals minor details about the movie's plot.

[I popped my write-off cherry with Lynus's original "Let's See U Review This" W/O. Looking 2 cash in on the boffo box office of the first installment, our host brought back the original director, and a mostly-new cast, 4 this worthy sequel, Let's See U Review This 2: Electric Boogaloo. My sponsor 4 this installment, the extra-campy Beckytcy, originally wanted me 2 review "Revenge of the Return to the Lake of the Valley of the Dolls", or some such nonesense. But, luckily, I couldn't get my hands on a copy of that, ahem, film. Given a second chance 2 choose, Becky realized that her true desire was 2 see me laughing in the "Purple Rain".]

4 someone of my age, who hadn't seen "Purple Rain" from start 2 finish until just last week, the movie feels very familiar. Probably because the video 4 'When Doves Cry' played every 15 minutes or so on MuchMusic, back when I was an impressionable 9-year old. I don't remember liking Prince very much at the time -- even though he wound up being the keeper of the flame 4 the music that eventually gave me my nom d'Epinions -- but I do remember him being… different. Memorable. Singular. Though I was disappointed 2 discover that the movie itself features no scenes of a naked, smoldering Prince emerging from a bathtub and crawling across a flower-strewn floor (and, even worse, tries 2 shoehorn acting and a story into what should essentially be just a concert film), I was enthralled anyway.

"Purple Rain" eschews traditional cinematic storytelling by neglecting 2 include even the faintest whisper of a central plot. There might be one there, somewhere, but damn if I could find it. At one point a character remarks that Prince's music "makes sense 2 no one… but yourself." The same could be said 4 the narrative of this film.

Still, without a main plot, the film manages 2 include several sub-plots, each tossed haphazardly at the screen with the grace of an arthritic hippopotamus. We get glimpses of a struggling musician -- The Kid (played by Prince) -- trying 2 break the cycle of domestic violence he's learned from his father, while dealing with his new girlfriend, Appollonia (played by Appollonia). We watch as 2 rival bands, the Kid-led Revolution and Morris Day (played by Morris Day) and the Time, fight 4 stage-time at an influential Minneapolis nightclub. And we fret and worry and live on the edges of our seats as Wendy (played by Wendy) and Lisa (played by Lisa Coleman) try desperately 2 get The Kid 2 listen 2 their newest song. These minor bits of action swirl around each other 2 create the impression that there's a lot going on. And yet there really isn't. "Purple Rain" thinks that it's a high-rise building, 4 all its stories. But, in reality, it's merely a bungalow; a sprawling, garish, bungalow, in which the walls are painted bright purple 2 distract U from the fact that the foundation is likely 2 crumble in on itself at any moment.

Doing the most damage 2 the film's credibility is its overt misogyny. I know that the mid-eighties, especially the music scene of the mid-eighties, held the view that women were objects 4 sex, 4 satisfaction, and 4 doing splits on the hoods of sports cars. But it's still quite shocking, 20 years on, 2 see just how far this movie goes with that contemporary conceit. When Appollonia and her band (the trio is implausibly named "Appollonia 6"; I assume we're meant 2 count the number of jiggling breasts on display) take the stage 4 a showcase performance, they achieve a level of tawdriness that feels incomplete, if only 4 the absence of a stripper's pole. And, in a show of machismo that would be admired if it weren't so disgusting, Morris and his sidekick Jerome (played by Jerome Benton) go so far as 2 throw a shrill woman they meet on the street into a dumpster. Yes, that's right folks: women are literally trash in the world of "Purple Rain".

(Prince, a self-proclaimed hardcore Christian, even indulges in some misogyny of his own. On top of the domestic abuse, there's also a curious scene where he takes Appollonia 2 a lake, convinces her 2 strip down 4 a swim, and then laughs at her gullibility before pretending 2 drive away. He even goes so far as 2 warn her not 2 get his motorcycle seat wet on the ride home. It's all quite revolting, made even more heinous by the fact that the girl seems 2 find his actions charming. Sigh.)

The acting, uniformly, is utterly atrocious. One would think that, since every character is basically a thinly-veiled version of the actor playing it, keeping a handle on their emotions and motivations wouldn't be 2 much 2 ask. But one would be wrong. Instead we get a symphony (a funk-metal symphony) of melodrama from some, and a void of bland detachment from others.

Morris and Jerome, whose stage act is that of a preening peacock and his diligent manservant, are at least boisterous enough 2 be kind of fun. Their manic energy nearly saves one scene where they're given some ludicrous Abbott & Costello-style dialogue, in a painful recreation of the legendary "Who's On First?" routine. And they have just the right hint of self-awareness 2 show that they know how blatantly over-the-top they're being. Watch Morris as he bugs out his eyes while drinking champagne from a martini glass, and U'll see what I mean.

Prince himself, by contrast, is a near mute. He seems 2 be hoping that his one move -- a lolling eye roll -- is enough 2 stand in 4 actual human reactions. Instead it just makes him look like someone glued a pair of googly eyes on a small fawn. The best bit of acting comes when he and Appollonia take that ill-fated ride 2 the lake, on a beautiful spring-like day. Neither seems 2 think it odd that they're wearing scarves, leathers, feathered hair, and heels in the Minneapolis sunshine. Now that's thespianism in action.

Much of the above is moot, though, when U realize what the real goal of "Purple Rain" is: 2 funk/rock your socks off. The scenes with dialogue and story act as mere filler, serving the same purpose as the dialogue scenes stalling the action in your average porno movie. The film's real money shots are of Prince, on stage, running through what would turn out 2 be a setlist of his greatest hits.

'Let's Go Crazy' opens the film, and -- pointlessly it turns out -- manages 2 introduce the club, the music scene, and the characters in one seven-and-a-half-minute long music-video-style montage. It's expertly edited 2 get the audience's blood pumping, as Prince leads the band through a rousing version of the song (which is, ironically, about living a spiritual existence in order 2 combat the perils of materialism; how he delivers that lyric with a straight face, while wearing white leather pants, I'll never know. Such is the enigma that is Prince).

The rest of the concert scenes live up 2 the promise of that opening number. Even the excessively-rancid 'Darling Nikki' had me out of my seat and cheering. Though that reaction is probably more 4 the fact that the song once gave Tipper Gore an unwelcome feeling in her loins so powerful that it forced her 2 form the Parents Music Research Center. Unwarranted and wrong-headed censorship just cracks me up, I guess.

The Time give the Revolution a run 4 its money, nearly stealing the award 4 the film's Best Funk Band out from under Prince's pretty little nose. A sick version of their 'Jungle Love' proves that, even though nobody will ever ascend 2 James Brown's lofty throne, Morris and Jerome's stage play is fun enough that they can be considered 4 the role of crown princes. When they revisit the song, 17 years later, in Kevin Smith's "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back", it's a fitting tribute 2 a timeless (pun intended) performance, and proof of the jam's staying power.

In the end, though, it's the film's title track that steals the show. 'Purple Rain' is a monster, an epic rumination on taking the blame 4 a lost love, and longing 4 that elusive utopian romance. It features a beautiful melody delivered through unconventional phrasingings, that's more than enhanced by Prince's torrential vocal performance. Even though it wraps up, and lends its name 2, a movie that has done nothing 2 earn the emotional catharsis it delivers, the song feels like a fitting end. It leaves the viewer with a positive memory of a movie that should have never been a movie in the first place. "Purple Rain" is a genius concert film made average by its need 2 tell a slapdash story. Cut out the tale of The Kid, Appollonia, and the Time, which does nothing but trip up the performers anyway, and "Purple Rain" soars. U can count on that.

Recommended: Yes

Viewing Format: DVD