Plot Details: This opinion reveals minor details about the movie's plot.

You know a movie pretty much bites the big one when it's best parts are the opening credits. Well that is exactly the case with 1989's dismal The Return of Swamp Thing. Based on the semi-popular DC comic book hero, ROST was the sequel to 1982's Swamp Thing which was directed by Wes Craven. While the original Swamp Thing was considered a bad film in many respects, ROST can be considered a bad film in just about every respect. Offering absolutely nothing to even the most simple minded moviegoer, ROST is nothing less than a complete mess from start to finish.

The plot of this crapfest goes something like this: Plucky bachelorette and plant lover Abigail Arcane (Heather Locklear) travels to the swampy bayou to confront her stepfather Anton Arcane (Louis Jourdan) as to what happened to her mother who had recently died. This is lucky for Arcane seeing as he needs Abigail's DNA to help him create an immortality formula that he desperately needs in order to stay alive. When Abigail finds that Arcane isn't the nice guy he pretends to be, she flees for her life into the swamp where she meets up with Swamp Thing and lo' and behold the two fall in love. But Arcane's goons soon hunt them down and kidnap Abigail so it's up to Swamp Thing to save the day. Throw in some unimpressive fights between Swamp Thing and a few of Arcane's monstrous creations and a subplot about a couple of annoying kids (RonReaco Lee & Daniel Taylor) who try in vain to get a picture of Swamp Thing for a tabloid cash prize and you have the unintelligent, idiotic sludge known as ROST.

A "B" film in every sense (and that may be elevating it a notch or two) there is just nothing here to hold anyone but the most die hard, steadfast Swamp Thing fan's attention. Filmed in a mere 24 days, Return of Swamp Thing shows every bit of it's rushed production.

Director Jim Wynorski of "B" film fame totally botches everything from beginning to end. For those of you who aren't familiar with the Swamp Thing comic series, it has a tragic, semi-gothic tone. To a small degree, the original film was able to capture a little of the comic's dark nature. But ROST goes completely the opposite way. Wynorski saw fit to create the film as a cheesy, tongue-in-cheek action comedy. For what reason I don't know. Maybe he saw what he had to work with and felt this was the only way to go, maybe he thought it was a good idea. I just don't know. But what I do know is that it doesn't work. At all. Instead of being funny, it is idiotic.

Everything about this film screams second rate. From the incredibly stupid dialogue to the bargain-basement production values, just about everything here is a shoddy mess. But it would have to be the acting that really lowers this film. Welcome to bad acting 101. With performances ranging from sub-par to over the top, it almost seems as Wynorski couldn't make up his mind as to what he wanted. I won't dwell on individuals here because I can sum up everyone's performance with one blanket statement....THEY SUCKED!!!. There is not one believable acting job to be seen. In fact, it should come as no surprise that the majority of actors here were third rate schlock veterans and local amateurs. The acting really is that bad. But what do you expect from a film whose box office gross was less than $200,000.

Another problem facing this film is it's lack of continuity from the original. At the end of the first film, Arcane had turned himself into a man-beast and was killed by Swamp Thing. In this film, not only is he inexplicably alive, but he is now human again. What happened??? We never find out. It is blatant issues like this that plague this film and make Swamp Thing fans scream in frustration.

The plot formula for this film is as unoriginal as they come and is just about the same as every action film that has been made since the 1950's. Here we have an evil genius (Arcane) who will stop at nothing to get what he wants...a misunderstood hero (Swamp Thing) who does everything in his power to stop said evil genius...a damsel in distress (Abigail)...a few sporadic fight sequences...and a climax where everything blows up. Sound familiar?? It should because we have all seen it a thousand times before.

Ok, now on to the one thing I have been dreading to talk about...the dialogue. Oh boy...where do I start? I am curious to see if the writers responsible for this muck (Grant Morris & Derek Spencer) are still working in Hollywood. If they are I can't see how. Just how bad is it?? Read on.

During their courting in the swamp before the most preposterous love scene in movie history, Abigail and Swamp thing engage in the following:

Abigail: Is there a Mrs. Swamp Thing?
Swamp Thing: (laughs) No, I'm a bachelor.
Abigail: Good, then you can be my boyfriend.
Swamp Thing: Me? Your boyfriend?
Abigail: Sure. Why not?
Swamp Thing: You said it yourself. I'm a plant.
Abigail: That's ok. I'm a vegetarian.

But wait it gets better. As Abigail gets ready to leave her plant shop to head off to the swamp she says to her co-worker:

Abigail: Now read to them [the plants], especially the sport's section. They've really got a thing for the Lakers. Oh bye bye babies.

Then there is the ludicrous exchange between two backwoods moonshiners:

Clyde: So what do you want to do tonight Gurdell?
Gurdell: Oh I don't know.
Clyde: Wanna steal a car?
Gurdell: Nah.
Clyde: Wanna blow something up?
Gurdell: Nah. We did that last night.
Clyde: Well then shoot Gurdell...what do you wanna do then?
Gurdell: You know what I wanna do?
Clyde: [excitedly] What Gurdell? What?
Gurdell: I wanna kill something.
Clyde: Like what Gurdell?
Gurdell: Well I could kill you.
Clyde: I'd kill you back with my dying breath.
Gurdell: Your breath's so bad you just might do that.

I mean Sweet Jesus. I ask you...could it get any worse? I don't think so.

If I had to rack my brains and come up with one positive thing for this film I suppose I could settle on the makeup effects. The Swamp Thing costume in this film is much better than in the original and some of the mutations in Arcane's lab, although obviously fake, are creative. But that's it folks. The rest of this film just tanks.

So as you can tell I don't recommend this film. Even if you are a huge fan of campy cinema, I think you will find The Return of Swamp Thing a slipshod excuse of a movie. Featuring nothing more than a cartoonish, dopey 90 minutes, it is a poorly conceived, poorly made film that is the clear definition of bad cinema.











Recommended: No

Viewing Format: DVD
Video Occasion: None of the Above
Suitability For Children: Suitable for Children Age 9 - 12