Plot Details: This opinion reveals everything about the movie's plot.

Warning! I'm reviewing a product put out by Playboy self described as a "Video Centerfold". In order to discuss this video, I'm gonna' be talking about women in various states of undress. If this offends you, I've written 160 other reviews for you to peruse at your leisure. Enjoy!

If memory serves, Lynne Austin is the original "Hooter's" girl and also Playboy Magazine's Ms July 1986. In fact, the first time I ever saw pictures of her were on billboard ads while vacationing with my family in Florida sometime in the mid-late 80's.

In typical 80's fashion, the first segment plays like a music video. "Bring Your Love Tonight" is an ultra cheesy keyboard ballad and annoyingly catchy. The guy's voice kinda' reminds me of Dan Hartman and is as good as most of the pop music played on the radio in the late 80's. (And whether that's compliment or praise, I'll let you decide, 'cuz I'mnot really sure myself!) Really, the only difference between this opening scene and a lot of stuff played on MTV at the time is a nekkid woman swimming in a pool with her naughty bits showing rather than a scantily clad one. (Or covered by Chris Isaak! I luv ya' man, but couldn't you go take a bathroom break or something so we can enjoy Helena's, ummmmm, scenery?)

I don't ussually like to make sweeping blank statements like this, but if you're a heterosexual male and don't enjoy the first three minutes of this video you're:

A) Obviously struggling with you're sexuality and really are gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

B) Watched so much porno or hung out in strip clubs so long you're eyes have glazed over

C) You have a relative, a potential love interest, someone who decides the fate of your career or any combination of such people sitting in the room with you while this is playing. In bid-ness and in love, that would be known as a "dealbreaker".

I've watched this opening scene a few too many times in my life because at this point I'm amazed at how crystal clear and blue the pool water is. I may not have individual names for every droplet of water that slides down Lynne's voloptuos body, but I could definitelt pick 'em out of a police line up. What a sad, lonely life have I! The only way you could improve on this scene would be to bring Phoebe Cates in for hardcore topless "Marco Polo" or extreme nude "Chicken Fights" in the pool.

How do you follow up three minutes of Life Aquatic bliss? Well, if you're Playboy you film one of Tim's favorite playmates doing an infomercial for her hometown, Clearwater, Fla. Lynne and some of her friends are shown shopping around town with bad keyboard music playing in the background, doing lots of cutesy stuff. Have you ever sat through a video presentation about a time resort or a gated community? We're talking that kind of agony, filler of the worst degree. I'd rather go crosseyed trying to view nudie movies on blurred out cable channels than sit through this again.

Next up, we have a fantasy sequence where Lynne plays a topless mermaid on the beach. If you're the kind of person that really wishes they'd go back to doing more acting in porno, then do I have the vid-clip for you! They don't even burden you with annoying speaking parts, just Lynne and some brown headed Fabio clone hamming it up by the ocean. I won't spoil the ending of that segment for you (mainly 'cuz I'm not sure I really remember), but if you don't think it's painfully cliche, then your labotamy went very well and they'll have those bandages off in a jiffy!

We're on to highlight #2 of 3, with topless jet-skiing! When I finish writing this I'm going to campaign to make topless jet-skiing an Olympic event, because I find this a lot more entertaining than any man probably should.

Let me explain. My problem (and it's minor, but still a slight irritation) is that in the small handful of PLayboy vids I've scene they always try to put the girl in a setting and have her try to "act natural". Only top tier thespians can ever pull this off. The rest of the world (playmates, avg joes, whale watching eskimoes and everyone else really) when told to "act natural" will either ham it up, or look extremely awkward. I'm sure its even harder when you're stripped naked and there's a crew of people standing around and some jackass yelling "places everyone!"

It's not just video centerfolds, even your "old school" ones printed on paper with a staple through 'em has that same quality. Look at their eyes and you can see boredom, awkwardness or "I need some blow".

So far, the only known cure I've seen for this is either volleyball or jet-skis. Volleyball's no good anymore 'cuz along with that comes the stigma of nudist colony flashbacks of watching people in their skivvys you really wish were a little more inhibited.

That just leaves jet skis! If you've ever ridden a jet ski, you know how much fun they are and you can easily lose track of your place in the world and time. Sweet sensory overload, and you can work on your tan while doing it. Beautiful Lynne and an ACME playmate friend (they tell you her name, but Lynne is clearly the star here. If I saw blonde friend out in public, my jaw would drop and I'd shamelessly hit on her when I regained the ability to speak; but she's just another blonde bimbo in Fantasy land.) Blonde friend is a little awkward at first, but then she loosens up as the jet skis start flying. They even have a mini battle trying to splash each other. . .or just another day at the beach when I get into heaven. The scene is a far cry from being erotic (unless you have some weird fetish for watercraft) but is actually a lot of fun to watch.

The eroticism (or Playboy's watered down, soft lighting version) is saved for the very last segment. It's another fanstasy scene, of Lynne left home alone on a humid summer night. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about, when its so hot you strut around pouty outside in your lingerie. Sure, you could go inside, turn on the A/C and switch on the TV to Lifetime. But isn't it so much better to sip iced tea outside, taking an ice cube from the glass and rubbing it against your nude skin while soft jazzy music plays? Well Playboy thinks so anyway. And like that great patriarch Moses, we're only allowed to glance at the land of milk and honey; we're never allowed to enter. You fast boys with the glazed over eyes will be reaching for another video, 'cuz this one pretty much stops where your favorites begin.

I'm not sure who I'd really recommend this video to, though? Religious zealots will think I've forfeited my pass through the Pearly gates and even the most casual "users" of porn will find this stuff way too tame.

Don't get me wrong, Lynne is hotter than the rays sparking off seven setting suns, but I watch this more for nostalgia purposes my self. If I'm in a snarky, "I Love The 80's" type mode, I'll find a few yucks in the fashions and the "big hair". Or in landscaping terms, ladies used to have big sprawling shrubs around their 'front porch'. Give Lynne credit, she was forward thinking enough to trim the hedges (cute little boxwood!), but some folks ain't happy unless they can see your curtains from the street.

It takes me back to the days when I'd stay up 'til the wee hours of the morning (when my mom thought I was watching music videos. Pretty much all MTV played back then God love 'em!) waiting to watch such cinematic classics as "Hardbodies", "Porky's" or anything with "Emmanuelle" in the title. Back when a little bit of tongue kissin' and under the shirt, over the bra was "going all the way".

Just in case you're wondering, Lynne's still around, and as smoking hot as ev-ar! She's got a sports talk radio show I found while doing, ummmm, research, yeah research for this article. Thank you Lynne, I'll always luv you.



---------------------------------------------------------
Bonus story: How I came into possesion of this tape and how I "rediscovered" it.


Although this is listed as one of Playboy's all time bestsellers, I came across this VHS tape on clearance at the now defunct "Turtle's Record's, Tapes and Video". Just me and "the dudes" out getting a movie.

I was only 16 at the time, and I think you had to be 18 to buy this stuff. (Probably still do.) It had been a bad month for me smut-wise, as my mom not only canceled our premium cable channels (I don't know whether it was Home Boob Office, Skinemax, Show-titty-time, or The 'blue' Movie Channel, 'cuz we had 'em all at one point) but she'd also trashed my lone Playboy in a vain effort to find drugs. (After seeing Elvis and John Belushi lose their lives to drugs, I didn't even wanna' take aspirin. Besides I was a good little church boy then, albeit one with an unquinchable boob-lust the Southern Baptists never could purge.)

A cool chick we went to school with named Megan worked at Turtle's, but I was way too embarrassed to buy it from her. So I gave my money to my best friend Brian and he bought it. Of course, he told her why he was buying it and she let out such a loud booming laugh that even people outside the store wanted to know what was so funny. To this day, when I see her she asks "still enjoying that Playboy tape"?

I didn't want my Playboy video to get carted to a landfill like my former Playboy magazine, so I took the labels from a blank VHS tape and covered the Playboy markings. On the outside I wrote "Headbanger's Ball" in pencil, so my mom would think it was one of the many tapes I had dedicated to archiving music videos.

I stored it with all my other videotapes, which got thrown into a box and forgotten about when I moved out.

Last week, a guy at work and I were reminiscing about some of the hair bands we saw in concert back in the day, and I got the jones to watch some old videos. I grabbed for the one marked in pencil and was treated to the keyboard strains of "Bring Your Love Tonight" rather than the power chords of yore. Then I sat and had myself a good laugh.

------------------------------------------------------
Final comment on the video:

After Lynne's segments, they do a "Whatever Hapened to" type segment about a playmate from the late 50's. I gotta' tell you, this creeped me out a little. Normally, I'll watch a good biography about almost anyone as I've seen probably every episode of "Behind the Music" and more than my share of A & E's "Biography" or E's "True Hollywood Story". I've even met a Playmate or two while milling around at car shows.

If the woman had just done voice over work while they showed her old photo's, then that would've been fine. Lame, yes, but fine. Instead they show interview shots with her sitting next to her husband, and then goofing around with her grandkids. Maybe creeped out is too strong a phrase, but it's definitely a bit weird and dull. (It's not the fact shes 'older' either, as "Golden Girls" is a guilty pleasure. To my funny bone, I feel I must add.) If you really must know about that segment, I suggest taking the time to watch it yourself as your either a member of her family or already a fan.

My final recommendation: Your on your own, buddy!

Recommended: No

Viewing Format: VHS
Video Occasion: Good for a Rainy Day
Suitability For Children: Not suitable for Children of any age