Plot Details: This opinion reveals major details about the movie's plot.

What up, my brothas! Welcome to my Black Christmas (and I don't mean Q'Uanz'hah, or whatever the hell it is) write off. Come celebrate the best and worst of hard hitting, hard lovin', two fisted, no nonsense blaxploitation flicks ever offered by Hollywood (and of course from outside the studio system, too). The sleazy, the exploitative, the classics, the forgotten and the crap - all examined over the 12 days of Christmas. However, with this comes a disclaimer:

WARNING! Absolutely no one under 18 admitted to this review!

No, seriously. While I do try and keep in mind that epinions is an all-ages site and do try to mind my manners appropriately, there's no point in being polite when discussing movies like these. Salty language may and will creep in from time to time.

And with that, on to DOLOMITE! Can you dig it?

The movie snobs of the world would have you believe You wouldn’t think so, but there are several categories of bad movies. Occasionally you have movies like Plan 9 From Outer Space that fail on every level - incompetent story telling, incredibly bad acting, ludicrous special effects, non-existent directing - a perfect storm of bad film-making, if you will, that somehow makes the end effect a joy to watch. Then you get movies like Megaforce or Breakin', movies that are cultural snapshots of their era. Dated and charming, they have a warm fuzzy nostalga that carries the day despite being a no good film.

These are the good sort of Bad Movies, where you know you're watching utter crap but you enjoy it just the same. These are the movies that are best watched with just a little bit of beer and a couple of good mates.

Then there's Dolemite. Dolemite is not one of those films.

Dolemite - the character, not the movie - is the owner of the Dolemite Total Experience nightclub (well, former owner at this point in the film) and has been sitting in the Big House for the last couple of years, accused of selling hot furs and possession of more Peruvian Marching Powder than Amsterdam sees in a decade. Dolemite, of course was framed by his arch-rival, the evil Willie Green (played by D'Urville Martin, from Black Caesar and Hell Up in Harlem - and how the hell do you pronounce a name like D'Urville?!? Is the D silent?). Willie is working for The Man, this time in the form of Mayor Daley (Hy Pike, from Spawn of the Slithis and Nightmare in Blood).

Anyway, seeing that the narcotics business is livelier now than it ever was when he was out on the street, the warden decides to let Dolemite out to get to the bottom of things (what a progressive prison!) and bring down Willie Green. Since he has quite a task ahead of him, Dolemite enlists the help of his club manager, Queen Bee. Fortunately Queen had the foresight to prepare for this day, and managed to put Dolemite’s girls through karate school, training them as Kung-Fu experts.

So, armed with Kung Fu muscle and fueled by righteous rage, Dolomite takes back the Total Experience from Green, in a stunning (and I use the term very loosely) climax with the Dolemite Girls throwing down and a face off between Dolemite himself (who is a also a master of Kung-Fu, it seems) exploding his fist clean through Willie Green’s chest. Then he Enters the Dragon on Mayor Daley and his corrupt cop sidekicks before we roll end credits! Yippie.

Much like "classic", the term "worst movie ever" is a phrase that's thrown around far too lightly - so I won't say that Dolemite is the worst film ever made, but it gets DAMN close.

Dolemite is amateurish from start to finish, in almost every aspect of production. The acting here is some of the worst acting captured on film (Hamburger Pimp is barely able to coherently mumble his lines without falling over. I don't think he opened his eyes once in the film). The fights are terrible - it's painfully obvious that at no time does anybody's fist even come close to connecting with anyone's face. The editing pretty much kills any flow that might exist. While story and plot has never been a blaxploitation strongpoint (much like a Kung-Fu movie, the plot merely exists to get the audience from one action scene to the next), the writing sets an all time genre low in incoherency. Production values? Play the "count the boom shots in the frame" game as you watch.

Now, lets be fair - Ed Wood had that *EXACT* same laundry list of problems with. . . well, pretty much any movie he ever made. What, then, went wrong with Dolemite? I think the problem is that the movie has no idea what it's supposed to be. Is it a satire of blaxploitation? Can't be - it's not nearly funny/witty/sarcastic enough. Is it action? It's WAY too goofy to take seriously. Is it a comedy? Even is a bad comedy, you can at least identify "Yeah, that was suppose to be a joke", even if it falls completely and utterly flat. Dolemite doesn't even have this, beyond a handful of distinctly unfunny rap scenes. Is it Martial Arts? If it is, it features some of the most incompetent and clumsy fight staging and kung-fu moves this side of Don "The Dragon" Wilson.

RUDY RAY MOORE OR PAM GRIER? Yes
BREASTS ON DISPLAY: Several (really nasty ugly ones, too)
A BRUTHA GETS SOME: 3 times
MUSICAL NUMBERS: 2 (kind of - does really bad rap count?)
EXPLOSIONS: 0
ROUNDS FIRED: 25
HANDRAIL DEATHS: 0
CAR CHASES: 1 (kind of)
AFROS: 3
F BOMBS DROPPED: 6,780
WHITEYS THAT GET IT: 3
BEST LINE: Dolemite is my name, and fucking up mutherfuckers is my game!
SEVENTIES FASHION SENSIBILITIES: 54%
SOUL POWER 30%

THE DVD -
The DVD for Dolemite is adequate. I mean I could rip it apart with its sub-par video and Dolby Digital "Hi-Fi" (hey - it says that on the case) mono soundtrack, but really - what's the point? Most of the film was shot during the day, and on bright pseudo-porn sets, so the images look somewhat respectable on DVD. It can get a bit dark in places (like car interiors), but it gets the job done. The soundtrack is clear, but kind of low. Once you turn the sound up further4 than normal, it should be fine.

THE EXTRAS -
The extras include a whole bunch of trailers that look like 10 miles of bad road, snippets from a documentary about Rudy Ray Moore, and transcriptions of the rhymes, with links to the scenes they appear in in the film.

THE BOTTOM LINE
I wanted to like this movie, I really did. It's clear that Rudy Ray Moore really wanted to do a good job, and lord knows I've cut more people more slack for far less. It’s just that at the end of the day, Dolemite is just not fun enough to be enjoyable and not awful enough to be memorable.

ON THE TWELVE DAYS OF BLACK CHRISTMAS, MY SOUL BRUTHAS GAVE TO ME. . . .
12) BLACULA
11) JACKIE BROWN
10) THE FINAL COMEDOWN
09) SHAFT IN AFRICA
08) UNDERCOVER BROTHER
07) DOLEMITE
06) BLACK MAMA, WHITE MAMA
05) MEAN JOHHNY BARROWS
04) TROUBLE MAN
03) SUPERFLY
02) THE MACK
And a LADY COCOA in a pear tree. . . .



Recommended: No

Viewing Format: DVD
Video Occasion: None of the Above
Suitability For Children: Not suitable for Children of any age