In the pantheon of bad movies, you will always have your superstars...your Batman and Robins and your Battlefield Earths. You can harp all you want about the mind-numbing depravity and stupidity of those movies (or hundreds of others) but very few will ever come close to what Boxing Helena has to offer.

I'm of the opinion that among bad movies, nothing will curl your toes like truly awful drama. Bad comedies can still entertain, even if it is only by displaying bare boobies. Bad horror or sci-fi movies can still be worth a look for a few random scenes or concepts. But truly awful dramatic movies like Boxing Helena are like having your toenails pulled out while reading tax forms.

While the "plot" of Boxing Helena could surely fill a 20-minute short film about the dangers of being a freak, this movie runs an interminable 106 minutes which I swear felt more like 112. There's this weird twitchy surgeon named Nick who lives in a vast mansion and has a deep creepy obsession with the neighborhood slut. Her name is Helena and she treats all men with equal parts disdain and cleavage.

When Nick throws a party solely to woo the unpleasant (yet admittedly lovely) lass, she basically treats him like the moron he is acting like. He stammers and falls all over her, breathlessly mouthing her name and staring at her womanly curves...yeah, it's all pretty pathetic.

After a humiliatingly failed attempt at courtship, Helena storms from Nick's house and is promptly squashed by an oncoming car. When she awakens, Helena discovers the Nick has removed both of her legs. Yes, that's right. Legs. Gone. And when the justifiably unhappy Helena lashes out at the obsessed freak, he does the only normal thing imaginable and surgically yanks them arms off too.

Yeah, yeah. I know all about the "keeping the woman in the cage" metaphor and all the allegedly clever symbolism being poured all over the screen. But guess what? This movie is so stupid it makes Anna Nicole Smith look like Ben Stein! It's pretty tough to accept any kind of smart or subtle metaphors when the lead actress is armless, legless, panting and blowing snot bubbles and the audience is meant to feel anything other than hilarity.

It certainly doesn't help matters that the movie showcases two of the worst acting performances ever offered in the presence of a camera. As the whiny and craven Dr. Nick, Julian Sands is seemingly content in being merely atrocious, while the vampy and petulant Sherilyn Fenn seems completely lost in any scene that doesn't directly involve her breasts being shown. Bill Paxton shows up as one of Helena's ex-flames, and since I dig Bill I'll not mention how rabid and ridiculous a performance even he offers. (Oops, sorry Bill.) Ditto for the illustrious Kurtwood Smith, who must wonder daily what the hell he was thinking when he showed up for this gig.

This is a movie that leaps from one illogical scenario to the next, and it's simply impossible to tell why certain characters do the things they do. (Why, for example, does Helena not scream when visitors arrive at Nick's mansion? He cut off her legs, not her lungs!) And don't look now, but what the hell is Art Garfunkel doing in this movie? Aside from showing off his hilarious hair-do, his character literally serves no purpose.

If a movie is so bad that several shots of large breasts can't salvage it, you know you're in for a long night. Boxing Helena may forever be remembered as a testament to how damaging nepotism can be, as this one was helmed by the 25-year old daughter of acclaimed director David Lynch. Based on the skills displayed in Boxing Helena Jennifer Lynch might be better served working as her Dad's website administrator or something...anything that doesn't involve yelling the word 'Action'.

Back when Kim Basinger got sued and had to drop 2 million to avoid being in this movie, I remember thinking "Hell, do the movie Kim! You'll get paid and you could keep that 2 mill!!" Of course that was before I ever saw the film. As it stands now, I think that 2 million was worth it if it meant she didn't have to be forever connected with this moronic, turgid and all-around pathetic movie.


Recommended:
No

Viewing Format: DVD
Video Occasion: None of the Above
Suitability For Children: Not suitable for Children of any age