“IT’S SHOCKING. It’s beyond your imagination. A cult of weird, horrible people who gather beautiful women only to deface them with a burning hand!” –The film’s poster tagline.

“This is some serious bullshit.” –My girlfriend, while watching this film.

“Manos: The Hands of Fate...sounds like the name of a rock band, eh?” –Me

In 1966, a fertilizer salesman from El Paso, Texas named Harold P. Warren made the ultimate bet. Warren claims that he will be able to make a popular horror movie on a very scarce budget with minimal resources. He would not only write and direct this movie—he would star in it also! So armed with a $19,000 budget, a 16mm camera, and a bunch of friends and local actors, Warren was determined to make his movie and win the bet. The rest is bad movie history...

Over twenty-five years later, this movie became popular all right—yet, that depends on your definition of “popularity”. You see, thanks to the geniuses of Mystery Science Theater 3000, Manos: The Hands of Fate did developed into a cult favorite, but not in a good way. Manos: The Hands of Fate essentially raised (or in this case, lowered) the bar of bad cinema. It epitomized the quintessential “you love to hate it” movie.

Okay, I admit, I saw Manos: The Hands of Fate on MST3k. However, even having Joel Robinson and his robot companions, Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot by my side does little to alleviate the pain. Manos: The Hands of Fate is a mind-numbingly awful movie; it definitely ranks among the worst of the worst, the film which puts both Ed Wood and Andy Milligan to shame. Seldom have I seen a film so inept in its execution. Unappealing cast? Check! Bad acting? Check! Unconvincing scares? Check! Inane dialogue? Check! And a whole lot more…

The invisible plot has a family going on vacation to a place called Valley Lodge. This unit consists of husband Michael (Warren himself), his wife Margaret (Diana Fahree), their daughter Debbie (Stephanie Nielson), and pet poodle Peppy. While the family is driving around, we are treated to long-winded footage of background scenery. All this is accompanied by a really bad song which is described by the MST3k boys as of the Shirley Bassie variety. Though I was cognizant of how atrocious this movie was, being who I am, I had to experience the badness for myself. Now I’m a believer, thanks to that above sequence itself. I should’ve known what I was getting myself into…

Back to what little story we have, Mike—being the incompetent driver that he is—is ostensibly lost. So the whole family winds up at a mysterious house run by some weirdo named Torgo (the late John Reynolds), who takes care of the place while “The Master” is away. The family members are genuinely confused, as they should be. And Torgo? Let me tell you, he is probably the most unkempt and incompetent caretaker I have ever seen. He has trouble coherently expressing himself. He limps like he needs crutches. Of course, we learn that his limping is attributed to his abnormal knees and goat feet. Torgo also has a habit of reiterating the same lines twice. For example, when the family wants to leave the place pronto, Torgo admonishes that, “There is no way out of here. It will be dark soon. There is no way out of here.” I suppose by his repeating, “There is no way out of here” this builds momentum for scares.

Inside the house, the family takes a look at a portentous oil painting of some guy with a red & black colored, hand-shaped robe and his “vicious looking” dog companion. Torgo explains that the guy in the painting—The Master, obviously—is dead, but “…not dead the way you know it. He is with us always. Not dead the way you know it. He is with us always.” Okay…thanks for emphasizing that, Torgo.

Eventually, a bunch of uninteresting things happen. Peppy is apparently killed, Debbie has disappeared briefly, and Torgo has even tried to seduce Margaret. Yah, Torgo is trying to be a mack daddy. What happens is that while Mike is outside trying to get the car started, he foolishly leaves his wife behind in the house—all alone with Torgo! If any husbands are reading this, please do not leave your wives alone with strangers, especially those who look like freaky hobos. Anyway, while the two are alone, Torgo tell Margaret that The Master wants her for his wife. But here’s the catch: Torgo wants her for his wife. Torgo then tries to “seduce” (I can’t believe I’m writing this) Margaret by touching her shoulder, and then caressing her hair. She slaps him on the face as retaliation. Serves him right, pervert.

Moments later, The Master (Tom Neyman) himself finally awakens from his slumber. His “wives” (more like servants) also wake up. The Master performs some kind of ritual and it is then we learn the dark, deadly secrets of “Manos”. But I can’t spoil it for you!! Meanwhile, the wives in diaphanous gowns argue over the fate of the family. Since they can’t seem to solve this argument peacefully, they resort to cat-fighting and wrestling (yes!!!). This is easily the best scene in the entire movie. I had no idea who I was rooting for, but I laughed almost incessantly.

In the midst of this madness is a horny teen couple. They serve no purpose whatsoever except to pad the film’s running time. But to his credit, Warren avoids the cliché of killing off the horny teens. There are a couple of cops who like to harass those teens. They also serve no purpose other than to reinforce the stereotype that cops who are supporting characters in horror movies are dumb.

I know your mouth must be watering so I’ll stop here and let you discover the horrors of Manos: The Hands of Fate for yourself.

What does this movie and the sitcom “Seinfeld” have in common? They are all about nothing! Manos: The Hands of Fate is, quite frankly, a waste of time and space. It isn’t at all scary, it isn’t action-packed, and it isn’t even remotely entertaining (except the women wrestling). Even the unintentional humor comes only once in a full moon. This film is truly contemptible, pandering cinema. But I can’t think of anybody out there who would enjoy this movie—and those who claim that they have “enjoyed” this movie only enjoyed it because the MST3k boys made it more endurable.

The first thing wrong with Manos: The Hands of Fate is its primitive look. This can be attributed to the 16mm camera itself which the crew used. This camera was so cheap it could only film for a maximum of 32 seconds in any one shot. The film itself was also shot without sound—Hal, his wife, and four other people would later dub the voices of the characters in a Dallas sound studio.

The technical limitations would also explain the editing, which is totally out of sync. Sometimes the film jump cuts abruptly from one character doing a particular action to the same character doing something completely different. Like in one nighttime scene, Margaret is petrified after seeing her dead poodle. She tries to run inside the house. The film then jump cuts to her staying outside moaning. Other times, the film jump cuts from one particular scene to the exact same scene. Keep in mind we are not talking about the same scene from a different angle.

As for the acting, well, it’s not very good. Many times, the actors just stand there, blank faced, staring incredulously into oblivion. But in their defense, they are mainly local amateurs so we should not have expected much out of them. Only one cast member, Robin Redd (who plays one of The Master’s wives), went on to have a fairly modest career in film and television.

I would like to dedicate these next two paragraphs to…TORGO! Torgo even has his own theme music—which consists of the same three or four beats being repeated over and over and over and over. Anyway, actor John Reynolds does a rather, um, interesting job portraying Torgo. Reynolds himself constantly looks like he is either drunk, stoned—or perhaps both, hence that explains the eccentric behavior of Torgo. But it really wouldn’t be fairly to fully judge Reynolds’s performance though because he didn’t even dub his own voice…

I bet you are wondering why Torgo walks “that way”. Torgo’s abnormal knees (and his goat feet, which are impossible to see) are supposed to indicate he is a “satyr”. Reynolds himself designed the prosthetics to give the illusion that he is a satyr. As for Reynolds, sadly, he did indeed committed suicide six months after filming was completed. In a May 1996 issue of “Mimosa” magazine, Bob Guidry, the cinematographer of this movie mentioned in an interview with Richard Brandt that John Reynolds was a good, talented kid who had many problems. He was a drug addict who didn’t get along with his father, an Air Force colonel. This is quite tragic and unfortunate.

DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE ALONE! If you must do so, please bring along a friend. This way, you don’t have to live through the misery alone. Okay, so if you have not found out by now, I really hate this movie. This film has the look and feel of your next-door neighbor’s home video: cheaply made and amusingly bad. The filmmakers set out to make a scary movie (a la The Blair Witch Project) and suffice to say, they did a truly asinine job.

Any attempts to make us jump out of our seats have failed rather bluntly. If watching blatant stock footage of a snake “attacking” Michael’s family seems creepy to you, then I pity you. And let me ask you: what’s so fiendish about a guy with wobbly knees? I mean, Torgo’s slower than a zombie—and they are pretty damn slow! He would probably trip on himself (several times) while trying to chase you. And the “rituals” are, to put it kindly, very laughable. The music—a key important factor in building suspense—consists of some guy playing random tunes on the piano. Why don’t they use some stock music instead?

Manos: The Hands of Fate is also excruciatingly lethargic. While this film does have its share of dim-witted moments (mainly the mere appearance of Torgo and the women wrestling), it is for the most part, a yawner. I will warn you right now: this is a truly unbearable film; it has the potential to bore you to death. Only the most hardened of film buffs will survive the ordeal of Manos: The Hands of Fate. Quite honestly, I don’t know how I managed to watch this movie all the way through. More often than not, I felt compelled to rip off hair from my head (but luckily, I didn’t). This is a cinematic piece of excrement that deserves to be flushed down the toilet.

I sincerely apologize for having to put you through such excruciating torture, but it was therapeutic—and necessary. By writing this review, I have fully cleansed all thoughts of this movie from my very brain.

Supplement
At great expense and at the last minute, I have allowed a special someone to speak: the incorrigible Torgo in the flesh! Torgo, say a few words to the readers out there about your experiences making Manos: The Hands of Fate:

“It is the most memorable time of my life. I absolutely loved it. It is the most memorable time of my life.”

And what do you want to say about this movie in general?

“This is a must see masterpiece. It is the best film ever made. This is a must see masterpiece. It is the best film ever made.”

Okay, that’s enough out of you, Torgo. Folks, do me a favor and please do not listen to this guy...

Recommended:
No

Video Occasion: Good for Groups
Suitability For Children: Suitable for Children Age 9 - 12