lpmiller's Full Review: Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie
Ah, springtime. When a nerd's fancy turns to going to a rundown theater to see a geek film.
*shudder*
MST3K the movie is based on the former hit show, Mystery Science Theater 3000, produced right here in Minnesota - about a mile from where I live. I've followed the show from its early days on KTMA 23, so it is safe to say I am a fan. I wish the same could not be said for others.
It was the first nice spring day of the year. The wife and I took off from home early; hoping to dine in Minneapolis, do a little shopping, have couple time. Two hours before the first showing, we stopped at a quaint eatery next door to the Uptown. She ordered eggs, I ordered a milk shake. A low ache had settled into my knees; the sudden pressure changes of the weather bothering my joints. I suppose I was a little crabby.
The setup is basic: A lone janitor, having been sent to an orbiting satellite by evil mad scientists (as opposed to good mad scientists) bides his time with his trusty robots. In some bizarre experiment, he is forced to watch horrid movies, mostly sci fi, while the scientists observe the effects on his sanity. For the movie, the viewing torture is the MGM classic This Island Earth. Granted, a rather dull, eggheaded affair, but at least the science was passable. Unlike todays films they actually tried to make things somewhat realistic, if only in a 1950's sort of way. (Independence Day, anyone?)
As we awaited our food, some ladies were chatting at the table near us. I tried to ignore them; the inane ramblings of city folk is usually painful to me. Much like a traffic accident, I just couldn't look away.
"I'm on a new diet now", said one woman. It was interesting to note that had she turned sideways, she would have vanished into thin air. I was wishing she would.
"Really", said another. "Good for you!"
"Yes, I've cut all calories out of my diet!"
Blink.
Now, I don't know about you folks, but if I ain't eating calories, I AIN'T EATING. All I'm doing is temporarily storing items for later disposal. Seems to me cooking up a nice meal, adding garnish, a little wine, and dumping the whole thing in the toilet would be easier and more to the point.
The movie was a little disappointing for me. MST3K for me was a chance to nap, really. I'd watch the first hour or so, then merrily drift off into a Sunday slumber, awakening as the final credits would role. It was traditional, it was pleasant. So I found it difficult to sit for the entire movie. The constant barrage of one liners and sight gags just grows old after awhile - sure it is funny, but it wears thin after an hour. And I like naps.
Finally escaping from the inane chattering, we settle outside the Uptown Theater. This place is older then God and it shows: aging marquee, peeling paint, and a permanent scent of Styrofoam flavored popcorn. I glanced around...nerds EVERYWHERE! We were surrounded!
Star Trek Uniforms!
MST3K costumes!
Pimples! Large, garish Pimples! (Stay down milkshake! Down!)
Oh, and such enlightening conversation!
"SPACOM! SPACOM!"
"Let me do my impression of Tom Servo as Spock."
"Oh, well I got a great deal on this phaser. Only cost me 250 bucks in Duluth. Guy wanted 300, but I traded him my Tribble collection"
"Snort! Obviously, Deep Space Nine is a rip off of Babylon 5, you heathen!"
It disturbs me deeply, to my very core, that there are people out there who enjoy en masse the same things I enjoy. People who should not be allowed into the Gene Pool without a life guard. People whose life revolves around things that do not exist; yet they believe my friends, they believe. Reminds me of the one and only time I ever went to a Star Trek convention. Darn near joined a survivalist outfit after that.
Jeepers people, go find a decent cult and leave me out of it. I hear Scientology is hiring.
The actual riffing on This Island Earth is quite funny, and generally family safe. If you've never seen the original it could be a little confusing; they cut and slashed the poor thing to within an inch of its life so the plot is very hard to follow. Of course, that's not really the point. The point is to make fun.
The audience was really into it, laughing uproariously throughout. So much so dialogue could easily be missed.
In front of me were three of the geekiest examples of the race I've ever had the...um...pleasure of seeing. They noticed that the seats had loose springs and proceeded to bounce up and down, banging my tender knees. Physics students? They laughed at all the wrong jokes, and missed all the right ones (they got the bathroom humor, missed the highbrow stuff) and only lived to see daylight by the restraint of my wife, and her desire to GET OUT.
It was not an enjoyable theater experience. Luckily, the home version on VHS is. It is geek free (well, other then the viewer), the seats are comfy, the popcorn better, and the credits are a pleasant wake up experience. For those of you who are already well rested, it is a funny slandering of a movie, done in double time. The jokes fly by in a hit or miss fashion; pick and choose your humor. If you have an ounce of sci fi in your blood, or if you have ever sat through a movie heckling the awful thing (Independence Day, anyone? Sorry, I have ID4 issues), then you'll find it a nice way to pass a rainy day.
But be warned, it is a geekfest. Don't blame me if you start hunting out Star Wars collectables and having arguments on who would win in a fight; The Enterprise D or a Star Destroyer.
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