Plot Details: This opinion reveals major details about the movie's plot.

I've just wallowed for what seemed like an inconceivable length of time in the vile excrement confined in the depths of hell. You see, since F.R.I.E.N.D.S. has now run it's course and waved bye bye (well it has in the US, but we're not quite at the end here, so DON'T tell me what happens.. I beg of you, I may have to kill you if you do - you think I'm joking) I thought it fitting to review a movie featuring one of said shows stars. Since they will all undoubtedly go on to have lavish and successful film careers now. Heh

I've seen probably all of the movies they've done whilst still enjoying the F.R.I.E.N.D.S spotlight. This one, THIS ONE, definitely being the worst. But then, "Ross" was never my favourite character anyway, his constant whining probably challenged my patience more times than my bloody cat. "Chandler" and "Phoebe" however, come under the catagories of yum and nuts respectively. Anyway, that's enough about F.R.I.E.N.D.S., it's now shuffled off the TV schedule's mortal coil, it has ceased to be. In some weird allegorical way, it seemed fitting to do this movie. I'll be a F.R.I.E.N.D.S pallbearer. Indeed, I'll be the Pallbearer for a box filled with every copy of this movie ever produced, if you like. I'll even dig the grave.

The Pallbearer (1996)

Directed by;

Matt Reeves

Cast;

David Schwimmer - Tom Thompson
Gwyneth Paltrow - Julie DeMarco
Michael Rapaport - Brad Schorr
Toni Collette - Cynthia
Carol Kane - Tom's Mother
Michael Vartan - Scott
Bitty Schram - Lauren
Jean De Baer - Suzanne DeMarco
Elizabeth Franz - Aunt Lucille
Mark Margolis - Philip DeMarco
Barbara Hershey - Ruth Abernathy
Matthew Faber - Jared
Robin Morse - Sylvie
Tony Machine - The Undertaker

Given that this was billed as a Drama/Comedy, I can safely assure you that there is nothing dramatic, nor indeed funny about this movie. Don't expect any long indepth diatribes about the meaning of death, except maybe if I allude to my own, which, in all honesty, I longed for throughout the duration of this movie.

Anyway, we first meet Tom Thompson (oh come on! That's not even funny, that's just stupid.. ooh yeah let's give one of our characters a mildly comic name, we're sooooo talented... yuk yuk yuk I digress.. David Schwimmer, Friends,) whilst he's attending a job interview. The first thing you notice is his hair (well I did, mainly because it looks like something died on his head), he's a 20something wannabe architect that still lives with his Mum. His Mum (Carol Kane) is just plain weird. He has 2 close friends, Brad (Michael Rapaport True Romance) and Scott (Michael Vartan One Hour Photo)

A brief digression

In keeping with this F.R.I.E.N.D.S adios theme, I 'd just like to point out some mild irony. David Schwimmer played Rachel's boyfriend for a while. Michael Rapaport played Phoebe's boyfriend, Gary, for a while, and Michael Vartan played Timothy Burke, who had a brief thing with Monica. That's just uncanny, and far too much for my head to conceive of in any sort of logical way.

Continued..

Tom gets a phonecall from the mother of someone called Bill Abernathy, she tells him that Bill has died and she'd like Tom to be a pallbearer at his funeral. Now, at this point it's obvious that it's a case of mistaken identity and she's got the wrong person (she thinks Tom was Bills best friend) so you'd have thought Tom would have corrected her and saved us all the sorry mess of this film in one fell swoop. It could have ended right there. But no. He plays along with her, obviously swept up by her obvious grief, and agrees. he tells his friends what has happened, and of course they laugh, noone remembers Bill. A little later on he's attending the engagement party of his friend Scott and his fiancé Cynthia (Toni Collette The SIxth Sense, Murial's Wedding). At this party he meets an old high school crush, Julie DeMarco (Gwyneth Paltrow Sliding Doors, Se7en). They flirt dreadfully, and it soon becomes apparent that she has him mixed up with this other person as well, OH THE HILARITY! Do these people not have eyes?.

Mrs Abernathy (Barbara Hershey, Hannah and Her Sisters) turns up distraught at Tom's house, and frankly looking like some sort of chain smoking Marilyn Monroe/Jessica Rabbit hussy. Mmmmmm sexy. Not. She wants Tom to give the eulogy at Bill's funeral.

Anyway, Tom (and all his friends) attend the funeral. Tom starts his eulogy;

Who is Bill Abernathy? This is not an easy question to answer...

He then gives a brief, disjointed speech about this Bill person, with much hysterical laughter from his friends on the back row. Oh this thing just gets funnier and funnier. Urgh. And there's still an hour to go.

As gratitude for all he's done, Mrs Abernathy gives Tom Bill's old car - she also flirts. It all gets a bit Mrs Robinson/Miss Jacobs.. Wait, I'm having a Dawson's Creek moment...

Ok, I'm done.

Eventually, Tom goes on a date with Julie Demarco, but the whole thing grows into a does she/doesn't she like him escapade - but it turns out Julie is planning to go away for a while. After Julie's revelation (and finding out he didn't get that job), Tom seeks solace in the arms of Mrs Robinson, I mean Abernathy. It degenerates into an icky sticky eewww affair. And frankly, I don't really want to know about things like how Bill sr (her ex) tickled her fancy, that's just too much information. Thanks.

However, Julie is still the object of his affections and one afternoon she turns up at his house a little distressed. Tom's friend Scott had made a pass at her and a series of bonding conversations ensues. In fine Hollywood love thang tradition, it's pretty obvious what follows next. They end up doing the nasty and getting closer. Mrs Abernathy finds out about them and turns into obsessive freaky lady, with her sunglasses, cigs, dull husky voice and bleached blond hair, constantly wearing black. AND THEN, Julie finds out Tom has been sleeping with Mrs Abernathy! Fancy that, never saw that coming, nope. The film then becomes nothing more than some obscure bizarre love triangle - will Tom get the object of his affections in the end - will Mrs Abernathy spontaneously combust - who the hell is Bill Abernathy? And that about sums the whole sorry mess up.

Grrr, argh

On the whole this film was an enjoyable piece of cinematic poetry. Not. It's lifeless and dull, boring and never once got me to raise a smile. Schwimmer is basically Ross with a frontal lobotomy, Paltrow is annoying and about as entertaining as poo. The rest of the cast are equally as uninteresting, with the exception of Michael Rapaport, whose delivery of the line;

YOU HAD SEX WITH THE DEAD GUY'S MOTHER??!!!

Is what earns this movie the one star I've given it.

Direction is awkward, and frankly the whole thing is just drab. It's like an old pair of curtains hanging haphazardly in a run down old shack, with moth balls and everything.

A final bone of contention is the fact they used a couple of Neil Young songs in the soundtrack. How DARE they lend his vocal talents to this unforgivable pile of cack!

Safe to say, there's rock bottom, 50 feet of crap, then this movie!

You'll have to excuse me, I have to go catatonic and refocus for a few hours.

Cheers

Running Time: 94 minutes
Seems like 26.43 hours
Years knocked off your life 42

Recommended: No

Viewing Format: VHS
Video Occasion: None of the Above
Suitability For Children: Suitable for Children Age 13 and Older