This movie is so bad that you have to love it. Come on – admit it - Bordello of Blood is a pathetic attempt at horror humor. Even hanging the Tales From the Crypt logo off the box couldn’t get this off the shelves of the video store. Add to the already bleak picture I’ve painted the fact that Corey Feldman is in this film. Don’t get me wrong – Corey was great in The Burbs and Lost Boys but he’s used up all his passes for ‘teen coming of age movies’. He needs to either go back to acting school or retire and hang out with Michael Jackson again.

The plot of Bordello of Blood is skimpy – I think this was written for people that have a short attention span and baited with scantily clad vampire vixens. As far as the mystery and suspense element – if you happen to find any of this in this film – please let me know. I may have missed it when I dozed off for the tenth time. The only good thing I can say about the film – other than a few “almost funny” one-liners – is that I caught this on HBO a few weeks ago and didn’t waste one of my free rental certificates on it at Hollywood Video.

So what’s the plot you ask?

Well take a deep breath and sit down – this might be painful to hear. A reanimated vampire – Lilith [Angie Everhart] sets up her shop of horrors in of all places a funeral home. Image this – flocks of college frat boys showing up at a funeral home for a bit of adult entertainment – no – that concept hasn’t been too overdone in movies now has it? Lilith and her crew of large breasted bloodsuckers feast on partygoers from dusk till dawn and no one is the wiser. Oh and how to they get to the party? A casket ride to the basement – yeah – like any 18-year-old guy is going to be able to “party” after being told to get into a casket. Sorry, I’m just not buying this so far.

So where does Dennis Miller come into the storyline? He plays Rafe Guttman, an ultra hip private investigator that has been hired to track down Caleb Verdoux. [Corey Feldman] He is hired by Katherine Verdoux [Erika Eleniak] after Caleb doesn’t return home after a night of hell raising. Miller’s dry humor almost puts the final nail in this films casket – his performance is overblown, overdone and not the least bit entertaining. Oh sure he makes a joke to the effect of “I feel like I am in a bad episode of Tales From the Crypt” but that isn’t enough to resuscitate this film.

But wait – another twist in the plot is that Katherine’s boss - The Reverend Jimmy Current - is in business with Lilith. He’s hatched an evil plan to rid the world of sinners one by one. Sure, go after sexually excited college guys first. That’s a way to take a bite out of crime there Mr. Mc Gruff. Chris Sarandon plays Reverend Current – and I am still confused about this. In the past he played extremely powerful characters – who did he p*ss off in Hollywood to be cast for this role?

Sandwiched between the multitude of breasts shots are chase scenes around the funeral home – how predictable is this getting? Miller gets caught on purpose – that sly old fox. He escapes, enlists a bumbling police office and reveals the truth. Sure that is the Readers Digest version of the last half of the movie but come on – even I am not that cruel to force people to read the complete diary of events.

It Can’t Be That bad

Oh but it is. The plot is almost non-existent and the assembled cast work off each other like magnets in reverse. Nothing seems to click here. Even the entertaining Crypt Keeper couldn’t coax a few laughs out of me.

As far as gore – I’ve seen more realistic blood on ten year olds at Halloween. The make up department – if there was in fact one on the set – should be spanked and punished for their attempt a horror humor. I do have to add this – make sure you watch Katherine’s hair through the film – in a few scenes it’s perfectly combed and a nice shade of blonde and in others she’s wearing a very very bad wig. And in yet a few more scenes you can see her roots from an obviously bad dye job.

This film rests on two things; the fact that it is the second in the Tales From the Crypt series – the first of which being Demon Knight and the almost obnoxiously abundant amount of breast implants on display. It must be nice to get a paycheck just for flashing your teeth and t*ts. Sorry but this film is an insult to all Tales From the Crypt fans – be it the short films, television shows or comic books. Someone, somewhere should be drawn and quartered for letting this be released to the public.

I can’t recommend this film to anyone – unless it’s breasts you want. Sure this might have a “male young adult appeal” – but then again so does the Victoria Secrets catalog. This might be found humorous to some but I didn’t laugh more than three times – and I think one chuckle was nothing more than the shear joy that the movie was over.

Sure you won’t lose I.Q. points for watching it but you will feel like 90 minutes of your life have been torn from you. It’s usually broadcast late night and the television version lacks the naked breast shots – this was the alternate version filmed just for television viewing audiences. Watch it if you dare but have the remote control handy. I guess insomnia sufferers finally that the one great cure to sleeplessness – Bordello of Blood.


Thanks for the read…. Have a happy Friday the 13th…. ^V^ Freak ^V^


Recommended:
No

Viewing Format: VHS
Suitability For Children: Not suitable for Children of any age
Special Effects: Well at least you can't see the strings