Main Essay: I watched it on Time Warner Cable over a Saturday night, probably out of boredom. By the time the movie was in its halfway stages, I was pacing around my room, going nervously to the fridge to get some water, and switching the channel twice. That’s how bad the movie was.

Three things I’ll say about the scenes: In the beginning Batman & Robin arrive at the Gotham City museum and come across Mr Freeze’s gang (he’s in the museum to look for diamonds to power up his cold metal suit) Robin: “It’s the hockey team from hell!” They click their heels three times (sound familiar?), and the resulting fight will let the viewers notice roller blades (yes you heard me!) as Batman & Robin wipe out the goons within two minutes. The insanely impossible spaceship scene, don't get me started.

Batman in the first movie is a dark brooding fighter who’s seething over the death of his parents, and the widespread crime and corruption that he sees all over Gotham. Here George Clooney as Batman smiles too much, he reminds me of Gotham’s real-life ‘mayor’ Mike Bloomberg (also a billionaire) saying everything’s hunky dory and smiling to himself about everything being blissful when everything’s not. That's essentially what this movie is like.

Batman basically says dialogue like: "Hi Freeze, I'm Batman". In short, George Clooney never even tries to emulate the dark, moody character Batman is, Alicia Silverstone is too dull and pointless to elicit comment, Chris O’ Donnell is in ultra-whiny mode as a rebellious Robin, Ah-nold Schwarzenegger needs to stop with these ice puns "Freeze in hell Botmon!" "I'm cold to your pleas of mercy.", Uma Thurman, with the red hair and green suit of Poison Ivy, tries to save the movie but fails no thanks to her dumb campy role. Special effects wise, the graphics are terrific and vibrantly colorful, although those big naked man statues could use a little downsizing, but it too fails.

The biggest flaw with this sequel is the sheer number of characters with multiple different personalities and constant conflicts. It’s impossible to focus on one or two characters with precision, which is how the first Batman was successful. What we get instead is a mishmash of different plotlines for each character, particularly those of the villains. For example, Poison Ivy says to Freeze: “My mutant plants have the strength of the deadliest animals. Once you have frozen mankind, these babies will overrun the globe…” Such a scenario is scientifically not possible, and it would be too redundant for me at this point to explain why.

Equally insulting is to hear Robin blurt out angrily at Batman: “I’m sick of the Bat-signal! I want a Robin-signal!” With a sidekick having such a temper, Batman would be better off leading a whole battalion of 6,000 Gotham City police officers dressed in bat suits and capes, than working alongside him.

And as for Bane: “Bomb! Bomb! Bomb!” “Eeaauurrgghh!!!” “I am Super Green Skinned Fatty! GRRRRR!” Whatever.

While I’m not gonna start calling this the worst movie ever, Batman & Robin clearly fails as a comic book flick because of all the things mentioned before. The ultimate blame for this movie turned barf bag lies with Joel Schumacher, Akiva Goldsman, and the Time Warner Inc. execs who gave the two of them license to ruin what was once a great series.

And so I ask, which quote do you wanna hear? Joker: “Come on, you winged son of a b****!”, or, Mr Freeze: “Freeze in hell BOTMON!” I’ll leave you to be the judge.

Cast:
George Clooney- Bruce Wayne/Batman
Chris O’Donnell- Rick Grayson/Robin
Ah-nold Schwarzenegger- Mr. Freeze
Uma Thurman- Poison Ivy
Alicia Silverstone- Barbara Wilson/Batgirl
Pat Hingle- Commisioner Gordon
Michael Gough- Alfred Pennyworth

I’m too arrogant to give the name of the director. But let me just say that the director and writer Akiva Goldsman should be dragged into the streets and shot, along with the Time Warner execs that gave them the green light to spend $110 million to make this wreck. Thank you.

Recommended: No

Suitability For Children: Suitable for Children up to Age 4