It's always painful to witness the degradation of someone you dearly love--to watch, helpless, as a once strong family member succumbs to illness or the ravages of old age. Gradually the strength and personality traits that you remember so fondly seep away, leaving only a shell of the person's former self. They may still breathe, and perhaps even move around from time to time, but it's obvious that their spark is gone. Watching it happen to my grandfather was difficult enough; now I see the same thing occurring to the Batman film series.

I was a big fan of the dark vision Tim Burton brought to the first two Caped Crusader outings. Gotham actually breathed on the silver screen--it was sinister and full of secrets. Michael Keaton didn't so much play Batman as become him. The cherry on top was the great characterization, far more in keeping with Bob Kane's original comic books than the campy sixties television show. Gone were the WHAPS! and POWS! of Adam West, replaced with great action sequences and an intense score from composer extraordinaire Danny Elfman. I even bought one of those goofy t-shirts with the bat logo emblazoned on it. (Yes, that's right... I was one of those guys.)

Situations beyond my control prevented me from seeing the third film (Batman Forever, helmed by director Joel Schumacher and starring Val Kilmer in the title role), but when the fourth installment appeared in theaters, I was more than game. Another trip to Gotham, with the lovely and talented Uma Thurman to boot? How could I possibly resist? Ho boy. How our naiveté mocks us.

Batman and Robin starts off with an obligatory action sequence, in which Batman (George Clooney) and his increasingly annoying sidekick Robin (Chris O'Donnell) attempt to foil Mr. Freeze (Arnold Schwarzenegger) in a diamond robbery. In an interesting interpretation of physics, Freeze launches our heroes high into the atmosphere in some sort of rocket-thingy whose purpose is never explained. Batman urgently tells Robin that they must stop the rocket, because it will soon explode and turn Gotham into a huge crater. Then, in an amazingly bold feat of self-contradiction, B&R set the rocket to self-destruct. How do they escape? Simple. They skateboard through the atmosphere, back down to Gotham. Yes, you read that right. Skateboard. Through the atmosphere. Back down to Gotham. Read it again so your brain absorbs the absurdity of the situation. Then witness how B&R boldly blow up the rocket mere moments after explaining the importance of not letting it explode.

Next we're off to the Amazon jungle to enjoy the clichéd ramblings of a Dr. Clayton Forrester look-alike as he attempts to turn a 98-pound weakling into a sumo wrestler via some sort of venom-juice. He is of course successful, and all goes well until Dr. Unattractive (Uma Thurman) uncovers the secret plot. The mad scientist isn't happy, and murders her to emphasize this fact. She rewards him by coming back to life as a sexy supervillain and killing him with a poison kiss. Lucky guy: not only does he get to smooch one of the most beautiful women currently working in the movie industry, but he gets to exit the film very early to boot.

Back at Wayne Manor, Bruce Wayne's aged butler Alfred gets a lovely surprise on the doorstep: Alicia Silverstone, who plays his British niece, has come for an unannounced visit (and apparently left her accent at home). They fondle each other for a bit in one of the most disturbing, yet not actually dirty, displays of affection ever captured on film. Robin becomes infatuated with her, and follows her one night after she steals a motorcycle to go racing. She naturally gets into trouble and he has to save her because, after all, she's only a woman.

In one of my favorite scenes, Robin and the future Batgirl find themselves dangling off a bridge. Robin has somehow managed to wrap his foot around a metal bar, which assumedly prevents him from falling off the bridge into the rushing water below. Visualize with me now: we have our wormy hero, hanging off the bridge by one foot, holding onto Alicia Silverstone. That's two people, dangling precariously by one foot. Then, we cut to... the two of them safely back at Wayne Manor. No explanation whatsoever! To quote Lenny from The Simpsons: "We won't bore you with the details of our miraculous escape."

It gets worse. In an attempt to assumedly add a comic-book feel to the film, Schumacher has inserted cartoon sound effects into the fight scenes. For example, when one of the evil henchmen falls down a staircase, we hear a sound reminiscent of Wile E. Coyote plummeting off a cliff. Whether this was supposed to inspire laughter is unknown. It did get a reaction from me, though I very much doubt it was the one the director wanted.

In the most vomitous feel-good ending of the summer, Mr. Freeze helps Batman cure Alfred of a crippling disease. It just so happens that Freeze is the world's leading expert on this particular illness. That's pushing believability as it is, but would you believe that Freeze just happens to carry the cure around with him at all times? My, isn't that convenient.

Next, stir in a lousy soundtrack and lots of people flying around on wires that are almost (but not quite) invisible during the fight scenes. Add a dash of some of the most poorly handled special effects of the summer, sprinkled in with some gratingly bad puns courtesy of screenwriter Akiva Goldsman. Is the bile rising yet?

If the movie has one good thing, it's George Clooney. Many folks are in strong disagreement with me, but I thought his performance as Batman was at least as strong as Keaton's. I don't watch TV, so I've never seen whatever show he's on (ER, maybe?), but I liked him here. Unfortunately, no matter how talented Clooney may be as an actor, he can't carry a film when the script has him doing nothing more than standing around, staring, and occasionally barking such helpful lines as "Let's go!" and "That was close!" But despite all that, Clooney was surprisingly likeable--which says quite a bit about his screen presence.

One of the few things the film gets right is the depiction of Gotham itself. Like Burton, Schumacher knows how to create memorable images of a city caught in the struggle between good and evil. Some of the scenes of frozen city streets (courtesy of Mr. Freeze) are particularly well done. Indeed, the lighting, costumes and sets are all lovely, but a few pretty pictures aren't enough to save this clunker.

In conclusion: there are worse movies in existence, but it still hurts to encounter a film this far off the mark. With a better script, this could have been the ultimate Batman extravaganza; instead, one is left with what could generously be called a mediocre film. Better luck next time, Mr. Schumacher. We'll be waiting--same bat time, same bat channel.


Recommended:
No

Viewing Format: DVD
Video Occasion: None of the Above