The best way to begin an irrelevant review about Half Baked and the evils of drugs is to talk about Titanic. DYK the latter movie has grossed well over a billion dollars, which is over 40 times what the former movie grossed? But those figures are BS because they neglect to acknowledge concession stand revenues. When you factor in consumer spending on account of the munchies and cotton mouth, the economic impact of Half Baked and Titanic are about the same. Although much of the sober population is unaware, Half Baked is among the most influential films of modern times and had I posted a one-star review of it in a "cool" or "hip" online community, I would have been hanged for blasphemy.

What! How can you give anything less than five stars to Half Baked, the greatest movie to watch while you're high of all time? While you're high... exactly. You cannot enjoy Half Baked without breaking the law. I am guilty of enjoying this movie with a McDonald's chocolate milkshake (when you're high, it's aka the greatest milkshake in the universe) and a two-dollar hooker with 6 teeth (when you're high, it's aka the greatest blowjob in the universe). But now the cloud has been lifted, and upon sober inspection, when is anything not the greatest anything of the universe when you've smoked weed out of your mind? You could get arrested and be like, "Officer, you are the greatest policeman in the universe." But then you sober up at the station and it's like, "Awwww man, I'm screwed." That's the feeling I got watching Half Baked sober.

I'm not going to discuss the plot of Half Baked too much. I mean, I can make it sound like an epic: it involves crime; it involves passion; and it involves a flying dog. But, of course, the movie is only about weed and the stupidity that emerges from its disruption on the brain. Tamra Davis directs; Dave Chappelle stars; and an entourage of even more famous people (John Stewart, Willie Nelson, and Snoop Doggy Dogg) make cameo appearances. I bet every one of them was high while making this film because with all that potential talent not a single joke made any sense to a clean mind. The dog smokes weed and now it can fly. Why is that funny?

The strong word, asinine, is reserved for efforts like this. Why was Half Baked even made? I'm going to answer that because it's rather easy. The entire filmcrew are puppets, as is the audience, to the secret financer of this movie: Indra Nooyi. Indra Nooyi is the CEO of PepsiCo, which owns Frito-Lay, which owns brands such as Cheetos and Dorritos. Dorritos, when you're high, is aka the greatest invention in the universe. This is all one gigantic scam that gets people to waste their time watching actors waste their time, so everyone can empty their wallets for the Siren's call of Indra Nooyi. There is, in fact, only one worthwhile conclusion I could draw after watching Half Baked sober and that's let's forget Iraq and bomb The Netherlands.

Marijuana should absolutely be illegal and this movie proves it. It may not kill you outright, and you may not sell your wife and daughter or suck dick for a hit, but it affects you in more insidious ways. Take Mr. Rush Limbaugh, after doing his radio show, retreating under the desk in his office to shoot up black tar heroin - he doesn't appear in a Trainspotting cameo. Half Nelson makes it clear that smoking crack is pretty horrible. But Half Baked and its pothead worshippers? They are stuck in the THC-altered reality that has, as one of its fundamental truths, weed reality is better than real reality. Haha, real reality. Brian (Jim Breuer) in this movie would totally laugh at that. This unabashed celebration of marijuana is a symptom of the demented effects of marijuana and is a dangerous mechanism that other recreational drugs lack for the weed subculture to propagate itself and invade the mainstream. And so, we must cut off the head of the snake. Let's put Viggo Mortensen in a concentration camp and bomb the Netherlands. I don't see any other solution.

In America's war on drugs, the government has gone too far. The jump-the-shark moment was none other than that infamous "This is your brain; this is your brain on crack" commercial with the eggs. Nice metaphor, but comedy was not its intention. Well, Half Baked represents the perfect anti-drug message for marijuana opponents. Show a clip from any other movie as "your brain," even Mean Girls with teasers from I Know Who Killed Me would do and then... hold on, actually, I take that back, save that for the "your brain on coke." I don't know, use March of the Penguins for "your brain," or something. The point is: that quintessentially asinine scene where the dog smokes the weed and flies out the window from Half Baked is your brain on weed.

The sad irony of all this is that stoners will point to Half Baked to legitimize legalization when it is so obviously a reason to toughen our stance against marijuana. In the wake of the "This is your brain," commercial, some clever druggie probably came up with the "Just say know" retort. Well, be my guest and watch Half Baked sober and just know this: Just say no.

Recommended:
No