Note: This is a review of an adult feature film and contains verbal depictions of sexual situations. If you are offended by this subject matter you may want to stop reading here.


You’ve seen her on E!, on the pages of fashion magazines as a Guess? Jeans model and on the cover of Playboy – but have you seen Anna Nicole Exposed? More to the point, is this worth renting or owning? If you are a breast man that can’t get enough of Anna Nicole’s offerings from God – this might be something worth investing in. If you are a hard-core lover of smut – chances are you’ll laugh yourself right off the couch with this string of vignettes about Anna Nicole’s secret fantasies. If having sex with your maid, limo driver and chef are enough to get you off then by all means, snap up this release. If I ever publicly announce that having sex with the help is the best that I can dream up for an afternoon romp, I think I’ll give up sex and invest my time in needlepoint or stamp collecting.

About Anna…

Anna Nicole Smith [also known as Vickie Lynn Hogan]. Starting out in a small sleepy town in Texas she always dreamed of the big city. She started dancing in night clubs to make money and try to jump start her modeling career but it wasn’t until she started stripping that she met her future husband J. Howard Marshall. Even though there was a huge age difference, both contended that it was really love and not the love of money that brought them together. With some connections and string pulling, Anna made it on to the pages of Playboy with a few photo spreads and finally landing the cover in early 1992.

Even though she was becoming more and more popular it wasn’t until the nasty legal battle over the estate of her husband J. Howard Marshall and the 1.5 billion dollars in his will that Smith’s name became a household item. This battle between Smith and Marshall’s children garnished her media attention, both good and bad, and when she was awarded an obscene amount of money – rumored to be between 100 and 300 million dollars – her life changed forever. She was always pampered and spoiled by Marshall when he was alive, but now she was a free woman – but all that money came with some consequences. When her weight ballooned up the only modeling offers she received were from the plus sized magnate Layne Bryant but even that was a complete fiasco when Smith backed out of a few public appearances. Flash forward to August of 2002 when her reality show - The Anna Nicole Show hit E!. This was both a good and bad move for Smith – she made millions in endorsements, merchandise and advertisements but at the same time she came under fire about her weight, almost drugged state during interviews and massive spending / shopping trips.

Anna Nicole Smith Exposed

If you are looking for a full on, hard-core adult film, chances are you will be sorely disappointed with this release. Anna Nicole Smith Exposed is comparable to a Playboy Playmate feature with nudity and sexual situations however – unless I missed it – there’s no shown intercourse. You will see a little girl in girl action with former fitness model turned soft-core actress Ahmo Hight [Club Wildside II] when Anna Nicole puts the moved on one of her staff members in the French maid interlude but even that is on the tame side. The scenes are done tastefully but you have to question if it’s too tasteful to be labeled “Exposed”. There is a fine line between a film having an “R” rating and crossing over into the adult market and as much as I hate to say it – I’ve seen more erotic portrayals on HBO and Cinemax. Still, I think that most men, if presented with the situation, would sit down and watch the featurette of who women, naked in a bathtub finding creative new uses for bubbles.

You get a total of five scenes on Anna Nicole Exposed and to be brutally honest – it’s best watched with the volume turned all the way down. Having to endure Anna Nicole try to come off as a sexy starlet while narrating the scenes is enough to kill the mood – even in the most sexually pent up of individuals. Jason Schnuit [also billed as Jay Stewart, Jayson Stewart and Dave Bullcock] whips up a highly sexual meal as Anna Nicole’s chef but again, you get to see some naughty bits but a majority of what you are looking for is hidden behind hands, kitchen appliances and carefully kept off camera. Anna lays it on thick with this scene and moans so loud you’d think she was actually having sex. Schnuit seems into the scene but at times you catch a glimpse of his face and you just know he is thinking about refinishing the patio furniture or a trip to Home Depot. Any oral scenes are merely implied – for some strange reason her hair always seems to get in the way.

Anna’s talents are just explored inside the house, oh no, she tests out the shock absorbers on her limo driver [Morgan Daniel] all the while withering around like she’s got ants in her pants. If this is how she has sex with her husband, we now know why he went out with a smile. If you are a breast man, you’ll want to fast track it to this interlude – in the words of the Clerk X [the clerk that wishes to remain nameless] “I was never breast fed as a child, look at what I missed”. The sex – or the illusion of sex – is mild and as I mentioned before, there’s no visible penetration or contact oral sex. Things pick up a little when Anna and a well dress diplomat go at it but most of what you see is foreplay – if it can be called that – and the groping of Anna’s best friends, her breasts. It’s pretty sad when the girl on girl action is hotter than all of the male scenes combined, yes, there is nudity but after a while breasts are just breasts – regardless of how large, round and plump they may be.


Things To Know

This was released in 1998 and is no longer being actively distributed. It was available on VHS and DVD formats with the DVD version having a few perks that include an interactive model / photo section, a few hidden Easter Eggs and previews of two of her other films [Skyscraper and To The limit]. There are still copies of both the VHS and DVD version to be had, both new and used, but the plethora of bogus and fake versions surface from time to time. There was a ten minute promotional VHS tape released to video stores and distributors and these have often been passed off as the original 50 minute tape. The DVD is a little longer than the VHS but there were some reports that early versions of the DVD did not contain the photo gallery or that section couldn’t be accessed. This shouldn’t be confused with the HBO or Playboy channel versions of Anna’s adult oriented releases. There are a few of them making the rounds on late night television that are basically the same as this [soft core, no penetration, girl on girl action] but they have different titles and supporting actors / actresses.

The Bottom Line

As much as I hate to admit it, I think Anna Nicole is a great business woman. She is a lot like Madonna – they both know that sex sells. Madonna however can back up a majority of her sexual adventures with a thimble full of talent whereas all Anna Nicole has to fall back on is a well-padded rear and larger than life breasts. If you are a fan of Anna Nicole and want to see her in some adult situations, this would make a great pick for your library but anyone expecting to see anything graphic or hard-core should look elsewhere for your fix.


As always … thanks for the visit!

^V^ Freak ^V^

© 2004 Freak369



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Recommended:
Yes

Viewing Format: VHS
Suitability For Children: Not suitable for Children of any age