Homeless monster molests Lady Liberty, destroys several buildings, and nests in subway system. Mr. Ken Fujiwara, a spokesman for Godzilla Corp, says that the "big guy" was vacationing in the South Pacific at the time, and was not involved in the incident.

* * *

The movie opens. Godzilla, looking a little puny today, rises like a smallish skyscraper out of New York harbor.

Suddenly, a tiny kilt-clad figure appears near the Brooklyn Bridge. "Ock Aye Laddie!" He mutters in a thick Scottish brogue, "We'll be havin' nane o' this tudah."

Quickly, he reaches under his kilt and pulls out -- wait for it -- his magic bagpipes. He reels off a few notes, which are either the opening bars to Scotland the Brave, or the death cries of a Plutonian Space Sporran. As the notes echo, he transforms into the giant two-hatted robot hero, Flash-Hammer.

Wielding his gigantic metal sledge like a caber, he sneaks up on Godzilla while it is naturally confused by the map of the NYC subway system. The hammer flashes for a moment as a rare ray of sunshine pierces the smog, then strobes down repeatedly on the hapless monster. The attack continues until nothing is left but a pool of radioactive gruel, and a single dazed star.

His job done, Flash straightens his red and blue hats, then transmogrifies back into a nameless Scot then strides off to find a couple of pints of "heavy," and someone dumb enough to whistle at his legs.

* * *

This story is made up. Did you guess?

It is written in response to an undeserved attack by Flash-Hammer against a poor helpless monster, as depicted in his review, Godzilla vs Ferris Bueller. (I should warn you that although my review contains few details, Flash-Hammer spells out most of the plot.)

Here I used the term "undeserved attack" in its obscure sense, meaning "a totally accurate and well observed attack with which I don't entirely agree". Now, of course, I mean this as no personal insult against Flash-Hammer. For a kick off, he's less than half my age, owns a hammer, and I am too slow to run away. He is also a very fine reviewer, and I consider this one of his best reviews. It is well-researched well-written and most likely, a much better review than this one. Now while I do not entirely endorse his view, Flash-Hammer and I have one thing in common, our love of Godzilla and his movies.

Now I must agree that this movie, despite its title, is NOT a Godzilla movie because this monster is not Godzilla. We're I to review is as such, I would have to transform into my alter ego, Drunken Geordie, and go help Robo-Flash stick the boot in. However, I should point out that Godzilla isn't Godzilla. He is really Gojira. The American monster is not Gojira. Nuff said.

The two tales start off similarly. Radioactivity and/or atomic testing cause a giant ex-dino-lizard thingy to go for a swim. This time, instead of swimming up to Tokyo for some sushi, the big lizard decides to do a few laps first, and ends up in NYC. It is only when we finally, after considerable suspense, see the monster, that we realize that this is not Godzilla.

From this point on though, the movie has many similarities to a Godzilla movie:

- The plot makes no sense
- The acting is awful
- The army brings in a mad scientist
- The army ignores the mad scientist
- The army gets its butt kicked
- The mad scientist figures it all out and saves the day
- The mad scientist has some form of empathy for the creature
- The scientist has a pretty girlfriend with an annoying voice
- She keeps getting into scrapes for no valid reason
- She screams a lot
- Lots of buildings get destroyed
- The story has a heavy-handed moral
- The moral makes no sense
- It is all blamed on a foreign power
- The monster is some sort of large amphibious lizard
- The monster has a breath weapon
- The monster likes sushi
- Room is left for a sequel
- Poor decisions by the Parent Company almost ruin the box-office take
- Major merchandizing opportunities are overlooked
- Audiences laugh a lot more than was intended

I say openly to Flash-Hammer and my fellow reviewers who also panned this movie, I know how bitter you feel when, after waiting eagerly for a high-quality Godzilla movie, this other monster turned up. I FEEL YOUR PAIN! But hey. Get over it. When you look at the above list, you realize that the US Studio made a far better Godzilla movie than ever they realized. They got it right in almost every regard. The only thing that was missing was Godzilla.

Now if you forget about Godzilla for a bit, and look at this just as a movie, there is a lot that works. The special effects are first rate. The pacing is excellent. There is genuine edge-of-the-seat suspense. It is funny -- either intentionally or unintentionally. The cast is likeable. The monster is likeable. (Is this a plus?) It has a good score. The theme has Jimmy Page on guitar - Dah da Dah, Dah da Dah. Hey, if you can just get by the Godzilla elitism this isn't a half-bad movie.

I would like to give this five stars just to balance out the overall ratings, but that would be just as unfair as the numerous one star reviews. Three stars then, and I personally enjoyed it as a movie. As a Godzilla movie, it sucked bigtime.

* * *

(The Chrysler Building is accidentally hit with a missile)

Chopper Pilot: Oh! Damn, uh! That's a negative impact, sir! I repeat, that's a negative impact!
Mayor Ebert: Negative impact? That's the goddamned Chrysler Building! What the hell's the matter with you people? You've caused more damage than that goddamn thing did!

- - - - -

Sergeant O'Neal: We need bigger guns

- - - - -

Lucy: Caiman is dirt. To him, you're just a pair of breasts that talk.
Animal: Well, there's an image.

* * *

Godzilla (1998)

Directed by Roland Emmerich

Written by Ted Elliott, Terry Rossio, Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich

Cast:
Matthew Broderick - Dr. Niko Tatopoulos
Jean Reno - Philippe Roaché
Maria Pitillo - Audrey Timmonds
Hank Azaria - Victor 'Animal' Palotti
Arabella Field - Lucy Palotti
Kevin Dunn - Colonel Hicks
Michael Lerner - Mayor Ebert
Lorry Goldman - Gene, Mayor's Aide
Harry Shearer - Charles Caiman, WIDF Anchor
Doug Savant - Sergeant O'Neal

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Please check out some of my other entertainment reviews:

The Sword and The Dragon *****
Man with the Screaming Brain ***
Nero Wolfe *****
My Man Godfrey *****
The 39 Steps *****
Twister ****
Saving Grace ***
Wonderfalls *****
Dante's Peak ****
The Day After Tomorrow ***

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Don't forget to enter my exciting Save the Planet write-off

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Recommended:
Yes

Viewing Format: DVD
Video Occasion: Better than Watching TV
Suitability For Children: Suitable for Children Age 13 and Older