Plot Details: This opinion reveals major details about the movie's plot.

Ladies and Gentlemen, for completeness sake I have said that I am review every Godzilla movie released. From the old school Black and White movie with Raymond Burr to Godzilla: Final Wars, no frame shall escape my gaze. From the glorious to the hideous, I'm watching them all.

Unfortunately, that means watching the 1998 American remake, too.

*we'll take a short break, while your reviewer weeps uncontrollably*

First, let me make one thing perfectly clear: this is NOT Godzilla. I'm not sure what it is, but it's not the man in a rubber suit, protector of children and/or unstoppable force of nature and allegory for the Atomic Bomb. Hell, even Toho has disowned the movie (The line from Giant Monsters All Out Attack says it all, wherein at a meeting, the commander says that while the Americans claim that a giant monster attacking New York was Godzilla, Japanese scientists have discounted the claims as nonsense). Now, with that out of the way. . . .

The "plot", if you can call it that, is thusly: The French test Atomic Weapons in the south seas, eradiating the native life there. Many years later, several ships vanish leading in a straight line to New York where Fake Godzilla is heading to make a nest (from the south seas?). The US Government call in Atomic Worm Specialist (there's a narrow field of study if I've ever heard one) Ferris Bueller, who's sole role in the movie is to act as Doctor Exposition, explaining the audience from one plot point to another - until he is kicked off the Science Team by his Reporter ex-girlfriend when she steals a top secret video tape and broadcasts it to the world. Meanwhile the military is largely ineffective at stopping Fake Godzilla, as the lizard is very skilled at hiding underground in the subways (overlooking the fact that he'd be WAY too large to fit in the tunnels, unless he has a previously undocumented ability to shrink and grow at will). Ferris and his girlfriend (and that French guy from The Professional) go to Madison Square Gardens, find Fake Godzilla's nest just in time for baby Fake Godzillas to hatch before blowing up the Garden, luring Fake Godzilla onto a bridge and killing him with a couple of missiles. The End. . . . ?

ARRRRGH! RAGE!!! May Devlin and Emmerich commit seppuku for their dishonor!

So how do you screw up a Godzilla movie? On the surface, it would seem to have everything that makes a summer blockbuster great: lots of loud and bombastic action, non-stop explosions and special effects galore while a giant monster tears up a major city. Sure, the characters are one dimensional and stupid and the plot largely meaningless - but this has never been a major handicap to blockbusters of the past. Devlin and Emmerich's previous two outings - Independence Day and Stargate - were pretty fun (if not brain dead) flicks and both did pretty well at the box office. So one would imagine that movie about a Giant Lizard (and no discernable plot) tearing up New York would have been a natural for the two.

The problem is that it becomes pretty evident in short order that neither Devlin or Emmerich have a clue what made Godzilla so popular.

Take for example this pretty basic reality: the majority of the destruction caused by Fake Godzilla's appearance in Times Square is not from the big lizard himself, but by the puny humans chasing him. If I'm coming up with 10 bucks to a Godzilla movie, you can bet that I want to see Godzilla busting up some miniature cities.

This dovetails into my next point: Godzilla is an unstoppable force of nature. You don't defeat him, you don't control him - you can only hope to survive him long enough until he goes away. He doesn't run from the army! He fears no puny man-made weapons. And yet Fake Godzilla spends the bulk of the movie running and dodging and hiding like the wuss he is!

Or, consider the humans of the movie. In a True Japanese Godzilla film, the bulk of the human protagonist rolls are largely secondary. They are there to fill up the screen time between Godzilla sightings, or to run away screaming from Godzilla. However in Fake Godzilla, the humans take center stage with a completely uninteresting break-up and resulting drama. This is compounded by the fact that they are completely unlikable, incompetent and generally retarded characters - especially the military. So instead of being a bridge between action scenes, Devlin and Emmerich seem to think we care about them. That's nice, can we get back to Fake Godzilla smashing things up please?

The final piece of evidence is how shamelessly the movie rips off other, better movies. When Fake Godzilla is removed from the movie with half an hour left to go, and the remainder of the run time is shamelessly ripped off from Jurassic Park, it's never a good sign. I'm surprised that Devlin and Emmerich don't owe some royalties to Spielberg for this mess.

*sigh*

Movies are a product of the time they are created. The original black and white Godzilla, for example, was a tale spun out of the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki and the horrors of World War two, speaking out against the madness of atomic weapons and science without conscious run amok. Even the later campy Godzillas has some kind of underlying theme to them. It may not have been as important as what Inshiro Honda was saying, but at least they tried.

What, then, is Fake Godzilla about?

Ummm . . . Siskel and Ebert would make really lousy mayors of New York? Gee - thanks for that stunning insight into the human condition.

AND THE WINNER IS: The US Army/Navy/Whatever
Actually it doesn’t really matter who is victorious. No matter who wins, the audience loses.

AND NOW YOU KNOW:
If there's a message in here, I've yet to find it.

THE KENNY FACTOR: 100%
While there is no obnoxious little kid in tight short pants included anywhere in this movie, the spirit of Kenny lives on in a completely unlikable cast of characters. In a sense, this movie is nothing BUT Kennys as far as the eye can see.

THE END?
The "Shock" reveal at the end, of the baby Fake Godzilla emerging from the egg held the promise of a second feature. Fortunately it wasn't planes and missiles that killed "Godzilla", it was poor box office returns and we were spared another go-round. Godzilla, on the other hand went on to star in several more movies, including a title bout with Fake Godzilla in Godzilla: Final Wars

THE DVD
For what it's worth, the disc looks good. The colors are nice and bright, the picture is crisp. The soundtrack is clear, allowing you to suffer through every stupid plot point without any distortion or muddle.

THE EXTRAS
An audio commentary, a music video with a crap song, some trailers (featuring GOOD Godzilla movies, including G v King Ghidorah, and G v Mothra), a before and after behind the scenes, and an empty, vapid electronic press kit featurette. Sadly this is more than most Godzilla discs get - but this is hardly enough to warrant this discs existence.

THE BOTTOM LINE
In the vapid press kit, Dean Deviln said something like "when they made the original Godzilla films, they were limited to a man in a rubber suit. Only now can we present Godzilla the way that the original creators intended." Clearly the man has no idea what he's talking about, since nine years later, Toho released Godzilla: Final Wars, featuring the finest in Giant Rubber Suit technology. Meanwhile, Fake Godzilla remains a more or less forgotten footnote in the franchise history.

As it should be. . . .

This review is part of my "Thirty Days of Godzilla" review blitz, where I watch every single Godzilla movie made. Check out the rest of the Godzillathon:
* Godzilla: King of the Monsters
* Godzilla Raids Again
* King Kong vs Godzilla
* King Kong Escapes
* Mothra vs Godzilla
* Godzilla vs the Sea Monster
* Godzilla's Revenge
* Destroy All Monsters
* The Terror of MechaGodzilla
* Godzilla: The Animated Series
* Godzilla vs Biollante
* Godzilla vs King Ghidorah
* Godzilla vs Space Godzilla
* Godzilla vs Destroyah
* The American 1998 Godzilla
* Godzilla 2000
* Godzilla vs Megaguirus
* Godzilla: Final Wars


Recommended: No

Viewing Format: DVD
Video Occasion: Fit for Friday Evening
Suitability For Children: Suitable for Children Age 13 and Older