A Family Video just opened near our house, so we have been renting lots of videos lately. Some are good, some are bad, and some are - well - hmmm. I don't think I really have words to describe them, but I'll try.
Despite my wife's valiant attempts to educate my taste, I still persist in my love affair with "kung-fu" action movies. Jackie Chan, Jet Li, Bruce Lee, Arnold, Van Damme (but only in small doses), Seagal, these are the names that will almost instinctively thrust my hand forward toward the shelves, returning with yet another movie filled with improbable fight sequences and bad lip-synching. So it was in this spirit that I rented the latest monstrosity - Bloodsport 4.
How Do I Detest Thee, Let Me Count The Ways
How can I begin to describe the depths to which this movie sunk? Shall I begin with the wooden acting? The obviously fake fight sequences? No, I think I will begin at the beginning... with the previews.
As the first preview began, my wife rolled her eyes upward and said simply, "This movie is going to be bad."
"No, no," I assured her. "It can't be that bad..."
She responded by promptly falling asleep.
I gathered the shreds of my dignity and wrapped my courage around me like a cloak. Valiantly, I watched all four previews. The biggest name in all four was Rowdy Roddy Piper, who was playing a cop teamed with a Red China policeman for a partner tracking drugs through Burma. Boy, that movie looked bad. But I still hung on to a shred of hope that Bloodport 4 might yet be okay.
The Awful Truth
The movie began with Daniel Bernhardt fighting someone in a kumite - the underground fighting arena that characterizes the Bloodsport series. After approximately five minutes of truly lousy fighting, in which several punches and kicks were thrown that obviously didn't connect, he declares that he won't kill his opponent, hugs him instead, and exits the arena.
Immediately he and his beautiful silicon-laden partner (oh yeah... you discover suddenly that he is a policeman who fights in underground battles, a typical lawful hobby for policemen...) encounter a hardened criminal-type. After yet another really bad fight sequence, they capture him. During the fight, Daniel refuses to take a shot at the bad guy while he is holding another cop hostage. This sets up a guilt complex that is explored for about 30 seconds, and then dropped - never to return. But here's the kicker, our hero had put the bad guy away for life, to be executed, several years ago.
Thus the plot emerges. The warden of the prison is linked with a criminal mastermind, and sells prisoners to him to fight in his secret underground battles. Thus our hero has to go deep undercover, battle his way to the top of the prison dogfight, get into the real underground fights, and then discover who the true bad guy is.
To be perfectly honest, I don't know how the movie ended. I fell asleep after the amazing sex scene in which he pleasures the evil overlord's mistress without ever taking her underwear off. You can tell she's pleased because she thrashes her body around a whole bunch, just like the protagonist in Showgirls. Sigh.
In Conclusion
The acting was poor. The dialogue stank. The characters were two - no, one-dimensional. The action sequences were slow, boring, and obviously fake. The editing blew chunks. The directing was miserable. All in all, I haven't seen a worse movie in years. Stay away from this one unless you have a strong masochistic streak. Seriously.
The series continues with another action-packed martial arts and kickboxing showdown. This time, martial arts expert and cop John Keller, gains access...More at HotMovieSale.com
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