I don’t really have any excuse, but that I knew what I was getting into when I rented it. Even so, I was a bit surprised at what this movie did and did not pull off - mostly the latter.

Any movie based on the plot of Dangerous Liaisons has a great advantage over other films, except perhaps in originality. Unfortunately, that advantage means there’s nowhere to go but down. Take the romance and intrigue of French aristocracy in the 1700’s and replace it with… the romance and intrigue of Long Island and Manhattan in the late 1990’s. Take John Malkovich and Glenn Close and replace them with… Ryan Phillipe and Sarah Michelle Gellar. Take a tightly woven, intricate plot and replace it with… one that’s familiar enough to be predictable but different enough to lack cohesion. Take all the adult supervision out of the script altogether. Throw in a little homoeroticism, some for the female lead, some for male bit players (wouldn’t want to damage any careers, y’know). In the end, you get a product that derives most of its good points from outside itself, but all its flaws from its own vanity. In that, I suppose the movie itself can best be understood as a reflection of its protagonists.

Those of you reading carefully will note that I did mention good points. Besides the basic structure of the plot, Cruel Intentions does have a few highlights of its own. Reese Witherspoon alone turns in a reasonable acting performance, as opposed to the rest of the cast. They, in turn, prance around like life-size, plastic coated claymation dolls, exaggerating every expression past the breaking point and spitting out dialogue like they can taste how badly written it is. Phillipe, in particular, seems to be aping Malkovich in his role, and one almost expects him end up by the side of the New Jersey Turnpike. Witherspoon gracefully floats above it all, as if she were playing Shakespeare on the set of Planet of the Apes. Her acting and the lush scenery provide some bare scraps of dignity to the production.

For those who prefer their pleasures guilty, there are plenty of undignified high points as well. Did I mention the girls? Witherspoon, Gellar, and Blair are just as lush as the settings, or if you’re into scowling, long-armed egotists, Phillipe may provide the eye candy you crave. Did I mention the girls? The under-twenty male crowd will find plenty of delight in Gellar suggestively raising her head from the front seat of her boyfriend’s car. They will adore the way she lap dances, grinding Phillipe’s character into submission. They will run for the bathrooms when, offering herself as a prize in the great contest, she purrs, “You can put it anywhere.” Finally, did I mention the girls? Gellar’s finest piece of acting in this movie was the long, slow, sexy, visibly wet tongue kiss with Selma Blair, a bit of work so realistic you’ll feel your own tongue wearing out, especially after four or five rewinds. (It may be a good idea to get the DVD.)

It is definitely possible to enjoy this movie, most likely by having very low expectations to start. Inspired by a masterpiece, it falls far short - dead French authors everywhere are probably spinning in their graves in sympathetic indignation - but if you haven’t got anything else to do on a slow night, crack open a bottle of hooch and slide this flick into the VCR. You might - might - not be disappointed.




Recommended: Yes