Blame it on a girlfriend who reluctantly loaned me 1999's Three To Tango. It's not that she was so choked up with being separated from it, but rather that she wasn't choked up at all and wondered if she should be bothering me with it. Alas, I think it's a case of wanting to know if the movie critic (lil ol me) agreed with her. It might also be that she knows how much I love Chicago, which is where it's filmed in its entirety, or, then again, maybe it's the delicious swing music of another era that wafts over the movie (not the tango music you'd expect). Do you think? Maybe. She's not a person who tries to be irritating.

We have another romantic comedy here, delivered by writer Randy Patrick Vaccaro (from Omaha, I see) to director Damon Santostephano and presented by actors Matthew Perry (TV's Friends), Oliver Platt, Neve Campbell and Dylan McDermott. Perry and Platt play Chicago architects trying to win a lucrative restoration project, but the goofy billionaire sets up a contest between them and another architect partnership. The comedy part relies on Platt being gay, but the rich guy has the impression that the neurotic Perry (who looks amazingly like Peter Allen) is gay and the perfect person to spy on his hot mistress. Why a woman couldn't have been his spy isn't explained, but maybe he wouldn't trust them to be honest. Of course, Perry's character agrees to spy to keep the guy happy and promptly falls in love with the gorgeous, sunny babe who is portrayed somewhat engagingly by Neve Campbell playing against type. Remember her from TV's Party of Five and the Scream flicks?

It gets lamer. She falls for him, too, but is told by her lover, the rich guy, that Perry's Oscar is gay and yet that's not the end of it. The rich dude wants Oscar to keep hanging out with her when he must be home with the wife. And so it's like an old-fashioned romance without kissing or sex (one kiss at end), but even they don't know what the heck they're doing by making themselves more miserable and hanging out - even in the bathroom as she takes a bath, shaves her legs and shares her girly secrets!

Maybe Rock Hudson and Doris Day could've pulled off Three To Tango, with that delightful neurotic who played with them whose name escapes me, but not these tired, TV-quality stars. The laughs are pretty much forced and unoriginal as they depend on homophobia and sexual repression while the depth of characterization only goes skin-deep. I've really enjoyed another Vaccaro screenplay, Bigger Than The Sky, with John Corbett, but it had real wit and romance. Tango, inspired by Vaccaro's off-beat sex life, was only something pretending to be have those things, still in the closet of overused, vacuous scripts in the neglected house of Hollywood. It merely proves how awkwardly Hollywood has handled gay characters, even those 'forced' to pretend to be gay.

Some people have found the movie hilarious, but they're also big fans of the stars. If you, too, love these actors, you may enjoy it as much and not find it a waste of your time and/or money. If there was one actor with intriguing qualities in Three To Tango, I'd say Oliver Platt, but he, also, disappointed me in the feel-good ending. Watch only if nothing else is available. The swing does sound good and you'll see Chicago.

Recommended:
No

Viewing Format: VHS