Plot Details: This opinion reveals minor details about the movie's plot.

Alternate Title #1:
Why, If You Were Jon Favreau (of Swingers Fame), Would You Agree to Play a Watered-down Version of Adam Sandler's Waterboy?

Alternate Title #2:
I Guarantee You've Seen This Movie at Least Once Before--and Once Was One Time Too Many

Alternate Title #3:
Considering How Awful Football Movies Always Are, Wouldn't I Just Blow My Credibility By Asserting That This Is the Very Worst Football Movie Ever Made? And Yet, It Is.

Enough Titles! Now for the Review . . . or at Least a Shamefully Tangential Introduction
As a heterosexual adult male--in my 30s no less--I fully and frankly acknowledge that I am supposed to know better than to watch Keanu Reeves movies. Believe me, I've made the vow. I've said more than once that I intend to avoid him like Tom Cruise or John Wayne or discarded hypodermic needles. But every now and then I'll see something in a preview that makes me smile and I'll remember how I laughed during the sequel to Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and I'll find myself making an exception . . . "Just this once."

I made the exception for The Devil's Advocate because it turns out that I am an incredibly stupid human being. I made the exception again for The Matrix because--and this was certainly no surprise to my wife--I am perversely enamoured of my own stupidity. I can only guess that I made the mistake of watching The Replacements in order to test the universe's patience with me. Why God doesn't dissolve me into a puddle of mucus on the spot when I agree to watch a Reeves movie is beyond me--for He and I both know that we're in for some heavy duty whining afterwards.

How about Touching on the Film, O Verbose One?
It wasn't until about an hour after I had finished watching The Replacements that I realized which character had been played by Jon Favreau. Favreau's prominent listing in the credits had led me to ask myself how bad the film could really be--so perhaps he is as much at fault for my lost time as I am. He plays a crazy linebacker who tackles anything colored red (and a lot of other things as well). "Oh my God," I sputtered at my wife, "that was Jon Favreau playing the Adam Sandler character? That's not funny. It's so not funny it's not even sad. Did he do that so that Zen masters would have yet another riddle to pose to their students? Why did he do that?"

My wife is a wise woman who knows to answer a question with another question. "Why did Hackman agree to be in it?"

Her question quieted me down (its intended effect, no doubt), but did nothing to make me feel any better about the film.

Ahem! Speaking of the Film . . .
The fact is I don't need to tell you the story line because you've written it yourself while waiting in line at the post office. The greedy players of the NFL (who lack "heart") have gone on strike for higher pay. Although I'm not sure why, the players' strike seems to imply a cheerleaders' strike and a coaches' strike, but not a commentators' strike. Presumably that's because the screenwriter wants the replacement quarterback to discover a father figure in a replacement coach and a love interest in a replacement cheerleader as commented on by the irreplaceable John Madden.

The replacement quarterback, Shane "Footsteps" Falco, is, of course, played by Keanu Reeves. He is a tight-lipped tough guy surrounded by an unimaginative cast of characters who are supposed to be, you know, characters. There is a sumo-wrestler-turned-offensive-lineman, a wide receiver who can't catch anything unless his hands are covered in glue, a deaf tight end, and a running back with a bad knee who just wants to score one touchdown in the NFL before hanging up his shoulderpads. For comic relief--something which this supposed comedy needs in abundance--there is also a soccer player and compulsive gambler from Wales who takes field goals so unseriously that he smokes cigarettes while lining up for them.

Oh, the laughter! The fun! The pranks! The frolics! Why how can such characters deliver anything but non-stop fun?

Precisely twenty minutes into the film (in keeping with the standard rule in guidebooks on how to produce a saleable screenplay), the love interest is introduced. We know she's the love interest because a love song begins to play as soon as she appears on the screen. She's a head cheerleader or maybe a cheerleader coordinator or whatever the appropriate title would be for a woman who not only participates in cheers, but also has to recruit the other cheerleaders and train them. You've never seen anything so clever as the cheerleader subplot in this movie. Why it's a certifiable laugh riot as it dawns on our head cheerleader that the only competent dancers available to her are exotic dancers from a local strip joint.

But party girls and jocks aren't enough for this film to fully capture the high school atmosphere that it's going for. No, there have to be some bullies as well. Enter the striking players, particularly the evil star quarterback, Martel. Martel is a grown man making millions of dollars a year whose agent doesn't know enough to prevent him from picking on a deaf tight end for being deaf.

Don't you just hate guys who go around picking on people for being deaf? I mean, I know you can't remember the last time you saw a grown man pick on a deaf man for being deaf. But if you did, wouldn't it make you hate him--not the deaf guy, the other guy, the mean one?

You know how this movie plays out. Eventually everyone on the team falls in love with Keanu Reeves because of the way his sweaty locks dangle around his face in the huddle. Even though the NFL has a strict rule against players taking their helmets off on the field, Hollywood has an even stricter rule about maximizing the exposure of Keanu's boyish face, so he gets into the habit of removing his helmet in the huddle.

As for what actually happens after the players fall in love with Keanu, it's simple: The viewer falls asleep.

When I urge you to spare yourself the trouble of seeing this movie, it isn't because you've already seen it. It's because you know it by heart.

And you hate it.

Maybe you think it's cool to pretend you like it. Maybe it makes you feel wicked and decadent inside. But you still hate movies like this.

I promise.






Recommended: No

Viewing Format: VHS
Video Occasion: None of the Above
Suitability For Children: Suitable for Children up to Age 4