Plot Details: This opinion reveals major details about the movie's plot.

The urban legend known as the LAME horror sequel strikes again; this time in the form of a not-so-hot thriller titled (how delicious), Urban Legends: Final Cut. This sequel reeks of such ineptitude that it makes this cynical critic (otherwise known as me ) miss the good old days (okay, so I was not born before 1981) when horror films were untamed and unleashed at their full glory. Sure, many of these films were often simplistic and sometimes poorly made, but at least they were entertaining with a copious amount of blood, violence, and titillation. Filmmakers like George A. Romero, Peter Jackson, Lucio Fulci, the Troma folks, et. al. were not afraid to raise the bar in terms of violence, mayhem, and audacity. Now look at the new wave of horror films and how they have damaged the state of the horror film industry. Urban Legends: Final Cut simply emphasizes my fear that the horror film industry is collapsing thanks to those damn bureaucrats who claim that they know what audiences want.

Anyway...I should probably warn you, dear reader, an unwritten cardinal rule about sequels: if you see the word “Final” attached to the title of a movie, you know that that is such a big lie. You should not be surprised if there is yet an inevitable follow-up to this trash...

On to the review; there are some pretty profound observations I have made comparing Urban Legends: Final Cut to the recent trend of horror films aimed at the so-called teenage market. Have a look:

-Like most stalk and slash films of the past 1990s decade, Urban Legends: Final Cut is simply dull and watered down with fairly tame violence.

-Like most horror film sequels, Urban Legends: Final Cut is just a pathetic attempt to cash in on the success of the original surprise hit (which grossed a solid $38 million—more than twice the film’s budget—at the box office).

-Like most of these “new wave” horror films, Urban Legends: Final Cut promises to be clever and innovative…but it ends up being superfluous and unimaginative.


Plot
Urban Legends: Final Cut begins with the usual horror movie cliché: the ominous thunderstorm. The story takes place at a film school in the esteemed Alpine University. Various film students are striving to win the legendary “Hitchcock Award” as well as a $15,000 stipend. The winner of the Hitchcock Award is guaranteed to have surefire success in the cutthroat world known as Hollywood. The main character is none other than a pure heroine named Amy (Jennifer Morrison). Amy is currently working on her thesis project, a film about a serial killer who stages his/her murders based on—here is a “novel” idea—“urban legends.”

If you actually care, some of the other characters who interact with Amy—it was a nightmare trying to identify who was who—include aspiring filmmaker and fellow student Travis Stark (Matthew Davis), Gina Gershon look-alike Vanessa (Eva Mendes), and a bad actress named Sandra (Jessica Cauffiel) who acts rather badly. There is also the portly and irritating Stan (Anthony Anderson, who played a similar character in Romeo Must Die), and Mister Joey Russo himself Joey “Please call me Joseph” Lawrence (from TV’s “Blossom”) as Graham. In addition, Loretta Devine, one of the original cast members from Urban Legend returns to play virtually the same character, Reese Wilson, a Foxy Brown worshipping security guard. Of course, we all know that most of these characters are merely introduced either to serve as probable victims…or probable suspects.

Reality and illusion eventually have to clash. Inspired by the concept of urban legends, a psycho killer wearing a fencing mask and a slick dark jacket is apparently loose on campus, staging his/her murders based on… (If you can guess the answer, then you ought to qualify as a screenwriter! Then again, if you plan on writing screenplays like this one, then you can forget it.) As the body count rises, the rest of the characters realize that life is mimicking reality in the worst way possible. Can the survivors somehow outwit the killer? Or will their future careers—and their own lives—come to an abrupt end? Does it really matter?


Blah...I Will Not Bother Saying Anything Corny Here...
So, you want to learn about the fine art of making hack movies, right? Well, keep on reading my friend because right now, you shall learn about how to take a pretty decent premise (the idea of a murdering maniac who draws inspirations from urban legends)...and turn it into a complete disaster. Now, I never proclaim myself to be a *certified* film expert, but I do know the difference between an effective horror flick, and hackwork. I consider Urban Legends: Final Cut to be the latter.

Let me start off by mentioning that the original Urban Legend was by no means a great film, but at least it had plenty of violence and a pretty high body count. I also thought that the plot revelation in the end was pretty gripping—and yes, I was indeed shocked when I discovered who the killer was. As for Urban Legends: Final Cut, well…I realize that a few people out there may praise this film for taking the road less traveled by being a “non-traditional” sequel in that it is not a direct follow-up to the original. I will warn you though, that this sequel sadly eschews those two important qualities that horror fans love: a high body count, and mayhem galore. Instead, Urban Legends: Final Cut turns out to be a pretty listless horror flick; devoid of suspense and thrills, yet awash with ludicrous plot twists plus amateurish and predictable “suspense.” To add even more insult to injury, Urban Legends: Final Cut relies on some truly inane “self referential” humor—a sin committed by a vast majority of 1990s teen stalk and slash flicks that want to be “hip”—to try to enliven a rather tedious affair. If you want to make a hack movie or sequel, then read on, my dear.


Urban Legends My @$$...
I have to always wonder what the hell was the point of making this sequel. Other then the theme of basing real-life murders on so-called “urban legends”—plus the return of Loretta Devine as well as a surprise cameo in the end—this sequel shares virtually nothing in common with its predecessor. Speaking of urban legends…you will not find many interesting ones here.

The first trick to making a hack horror film is to let audiences’ high expectations fall short. Basically, use an impressive visual sequence early in the movie to make the audience jump out of their seats. Then, as the story progresses, gyp the audience; disappoint them by using some truly lame jump scares and atrociously tepid violence. Take for example, this one pretty cool murder sequence in the beginning. It is supposedly based on the urban legend about a woman who is at a bar. While walking away and meeting a guy, someone else “spikes” her drink. The woman then comes back and has a sip of her drink. She becomes dizzy, loses her mind, and eventually falls...unconscious.

Later, she wakes up…only to find that one of her organs is missing. I think that that was one of the best scenes in the movie. The director does a surprisingly strong job orchestrating suspense here. Well…it all culminates with the killer grabbing his/her victim’s open wound and eventually decapitating her using a window. You see, had the rest of the movie been as cool as this brutal murder sequence, Urban Legends: Final Cut (now referred to as purely Urban Legends ) would have been a fairly riveting thriller. Instead, everything goes downhill after that killing…and the movie degenerates into a lukewarm slasher with a “whodunit” element.

Seeing that urban legends were supposed to be the basis for this movie, I for one was crestfallen at how the filmmakers did not exploit the urban legends angle. These urban legends are used as a mere backdrop while the murders themselves are pretty mundane. Take for example, the urban legend known as the “Tunnel of Terror.” While I have never heard of this urban legend, basically it is about the said tunnel that is supposed to be inhabited by…actual human corpses. With a backdrop like that, I would expect some pretty cool and stylish murders. However, what do I see instead? One guy is apparently beaten to death while someone else is merely electrocuted! Yeah, I know that I am picky but for a horror movie that is based on urban legends, I would have liked to see some more elaborately staged murders.

Do you get the gist of what I am saying? I kind of wish that the killer could use his/her imagination a bit more when it comes to staging these acts of murder. Urban Legends abandons the creative bloodshed in favor of ho-hum suspense—too bad the suspense does not work.


Characters
The second step to making a hack horror film (or sequel) is to invent characters who are uninteresting, bland, and unsympathetic. Also, hire actors purely for their looks because they will not be able to add any soul to the two-dimensional stereotypes. Thanks to the bottom-of-the-line performances, I found the characters in Urban Legends to be little more than boring personalities. I also had a difficult time trying to match characters with their names because I did not care about these people at all. I kept referring to each individual character as the “obnoxious rotund guy,” “the ditzy blonde,” “the dude with the foreign accent,” and so forth. You would think that since these people are film students, they would have much more interesting and remarkable lives. Nope. Still, many of these unappealing characters will do a fine job of getting on your nerves though.

I do not feel like commenting on most of the performances, because everybody here was awful, ad nauseam. Interesting enough, the two African-American cast members seem to provide most of the comic relief. For example, Reese keeps referring to Amy as the “crazy-@$$ white girl.” As for Amy, I have to give Jennifer Morrison credit for trying to make her character believable and sympathetic. Unfortunately, Urban Legends lacks yet another important element in horror flicks: a strong heroine to root for. Personally, I could not root for Amy because I felt that she was not as resourceful or strong-willed as many of her other peers such as Sidney from the Scream movies or Ginny Stevens from Friday the 13th: Part 2. Any heroine who foolishly loses a videotape—even if it is by “accident”—showing incriminating evidence of a murder taking place does not win my vote of confidence. It seems that Amy could not stay tough during times of dire crisis.


Homage and Humor...
One of strengths...and liabilities in Urban Legends is the use of humor. Believe it or not, I chuckled at a lot of this film’s humorous moments. One scene where the film students watch various outtakes of Sandra’s terrible acting at her worst is admittedly amusing. Another such instance is where one of the special effects dudes derides digital effects, saying that latex is better. (I find myself snickering at that joke because it is so true.) However, most of the humor in this film is pretty much stale (in one such instance, while working inside the “Tunnel of Terror,” one of the characters yells “Hi ho!” Stan, the rotund guy then replies, “Did you call me a ‘ho’”? ). Ha, ha…not funny my friend. Yes, I did snicker at a few of the jokes, but most of the humor is simply dry. It seems that the filmmakers inject a lot of self referential jokes as a way of forcing us to laugh, but these jokes fall flat. So by now, you should know that the third step to making hack horror films is to use failed in-your-face dark humor.

As much as I am reluctant to say this, I did enjoy how this film paid homage to some other well-known thrillers. Particularly my favorite ones are the homage to Vertigo and another homage to the “Nightmare at 20,000 Feet” episode from the “The Twilight Zone” in the beginning of Urban Legends There is also a pretty memorable—if somewhat ridiculous—tribute to the classic 1960 psychological thriller titled Peeping Tom. Also, there are a few clever references to Hitchcock’s style of filmmaking—though if Alfred Hitchcock was still around, he would probably be disgusted that a bad movie of this magnitude would be willing to pay tribute to a wonderful auteur like himself.


Miscellaneous Blah
There are so many more reasons why Urban Legends is a horrible flick. Aspiring hack filmmakers, take plenty of notes here. I should first talk about this film’s dreadfully slow pacing. Man, this movie was a drag to watch, especially since it has a habit of being discursive. There are literally moments in this film when nothing interesting or relevant happens. For example, in one such incident, Amy is in a dream sequence where she is having sex with someone she knows. That same someone pulls out a hidden knife and stabs her. How is that related to the plot? You will realize that it does not. Normally, I do not mind slow-paced movies, but I do mind if a film grinds to a halt for no apparent purpose.

Why the hell does Urban Legends rely on the use of pathetic sudden jump scares to try to keep you on your toes? You know, those incidents where you think that the main character is about to be attacked by the killer when—surprise—it was merely a friend who surprised the main character. Composer John Ottman handles the directorial chores here. (First, we saw cinematographers such as Jan de Bont and Andrzej Bartkowiak aspiring to be directors. Now, we see composers wanting to sit on the director’s seat?! I find it incredible—as in IN-credible—to see a composer now acting as a director.) Anyway, I guess that since John Ottman does not have much experience behind the camera, he has yet to master the art of foreshadowing suspense. Instead, he relies on those perfunctory tactics to scare people. For instance, the obligatory chase scene where the killer chases the heroine inside a recording studio is anemic instead of being an example of tension-filled terror.

Oh yes, let it be known that Urban Legends is nothing more than a paint-by-the-numbers horror film. In spite of its aspirations, in spite of the tributes to better-made works, and in spite of the film school setting (with a setting like that, this movie COULD have been an excellent and witty satire about the young film industry), Urban Legends is, in its core, a nondescript slasher flick. Like most pedestrian horror films, Urban Legends uses such tiring devices as the deus ex machina where Reese arrives just in the nick of time to save the main characters (Oops, did I spoil it for you? Sorry!), as well as a completely-out-of-left-field “revelation” by the end. Once the killer explains his/her ludicrous motive behind the killings, you will find yourself wanting to throw your remote at the TV screen. The far-fetched ending only adds to the whole absurdity of this lamely silly horror film.


In Conclusion...
Urban Legends: Final Cut is by far one of the weakest entries among the plethora of post- Scream stalk and slash flicks. This film epitomizes everything that is wrong with this genre. I guess that I can use the good old, “I would rather douse myself with gasoline and set myself on fire than watch this movie again” saying to end this review…but maybe that is not enough to describe this mockery of a sequel. While I do not place all of my blame on John Ottman—to be fair, this is his directorial debut—I do feel that Urban Legends: Final Cut is a testimonial example of why the recent wave of horror films (the post-Scream crowd) fails to capture the magic of the classics (i.e. Psycho, Dawn of the Dead, Peeping Tom, etc. ). Jump scares are no excuse for a dearth of suspense, and dumb humor is no excuse for a lack of true satiric wit. If horror films of the next generation continue to move towards this trend...then the horror industry is truly dead...

The film’s tag line claims that “Legends never die.” Well, I hope that these Legends WILL die...

Recommended: No

Viewing Format: VHS
Video Occasion: None of the Above
Suitability For Children: Suitable for Children Age 13 and Older
Special Effects: Well at least you can''t see the strings