Christmas just passed. It was a good Christmas; I got a card out to every single person on my list and even a few others who hadn't heard from me in years. I felt very generous this year. So, in that spirit, I have a few things to give out to the cast of Meet the Parents

To Robert DeNiro: permission to never appear in another comedy. Seriously. The greatest living actor in the world needs something to sink his teeth into; not some silly role where he's a cardboard cutout parody. Did he learn nothing from Analyze This? Hey, you want a funny guy, go ask Steve Martin or Martin Short; not the young Vito Corleone.

To Ben Stiller: another schtick. The hapless, wide-eyed idiot thing is so tired. Have you seen Something About Mary? Replace the hair-gel bit with a malfunctioning-septic-tank bit and you have the same movie, right down to the requisite stupid smirk on Stiller's face. He's a one-note comic who got lucky enough to be in movies. Now he should prove that he can act.

To Teri Polo: a spine and a clue for her character, Pam Byrnes. Polo plays a kind-hearted but stupid blonde who is cruelly manipulated by her father and completely unaware of what's going on around her. The abundant plot holes in this film revolve entirely around Pam's lack of reason and common sense. That, and a potty-trained cat, but that's another joke not worth repeating.

To Owen Wilson: the frontal lobe that was apparently forcibly taken from him. He walks through this movie like a lobotomy patient. His character had such comic potential, but it's totally flattened by this stupified, blank look in his eyes that makes me wonder if Wilson really wanted to play this part (he's Pam's frighteningly perfect ex-boyfriend) or maybe was just distracted. They were probably looking for Dudley Do-Right; instead, they get something closer to a bassett hound.

To screenwriter Greg Glienna: a big boot to the head for wasting two hours of my life. I know you wrote this screenplay back in '92, way before mary, so you weren't exactly ripping it off, but it sure felt like it. The Focker joke was only funny the first time. If you're going to employ shock value as a humor tool, you may want to broaden your horizons a bit. Four or five gross jokes are better than just two or three gross jokes repeated over and over again. And close the friggin' plot holes. For example: there's a scene in which Ben Stiller's character borrow's Pam's little brother's jacket, in the pocket of which is a bag of marijuana. DeNiro stumbles upon the bag and deduces that it must be Stiller's, even though it's his son's jacket. Three minutes and a couple of questions would have cleared that right up, but no. A film is more profitable than a 30-minute sitcom, which would have a much more suitable running time.


Recommended:
No

Suitability For Children: Suitable for Children Age 13 and Older