As I slept last night my subconscious reached deep inside my psyche and induced my feminine side -- I call her Roxie -- to put a woman's spin on this review. Now Roxie is normally pretty quiescent (what with scmrak being a SNAG for the most part), but I could sense her personality ricocheting off id, ego, and superego ever since I saw Charlie's Angels, and I knew she had something she was just bursting to say.

So I let her out to talk, and I now present you a transcript of our... err, conversation.


scmrak - Roxie, so how goes it?

Roxie - Well, except that you almost never let me out of here, I don't have many complaints. But that's not what you asked me here to talk about, was it?

s - Nope. Ever since I watched Charlie's Angels I've felt you rattling around in my skull like a mongoose on speed. What's with all the negative energy, girlfriend?

R - Well, gee, thanks for asking. I know it's tough for you testosterone vessels to find an intelligent question for a woman sometimes. So here goes:

In a word, I'm insulted. I'm insulted that in this supposedly enlightened day and age, somebody out there is still trying to pass off rubbish like that movie as entertainment. I'm enraged that someone saw fit to remake the archetype of the 70s jiggle-TV genre and, instead of updating it with strong, grown-up female characters, he made all three "Angels" half-witted caricatures of that buxom bimbo Barbie. Heck, this time around we didn't even get a brainy Sabrina!

s - Huh? I thought it was a funny, well-scripted and marvelously-acted flick with great action sequences.

R - No you didn't! I was there the whole time, you schmuck! You're just playing Devil's Advocate again, aren't you?

s - OK, so you got me there, Rox. Anyway, what's your complaint with this movie?

R - Where to begin, where to begin...

OK, right up front, I think the Natalie (Cameron Diaz) role was the ultimate insult. This is a woman whose character is allegedly a genius, but she's so lacking in smarts that she doesn't hang up on her cell phone conversation when someone's trying to kill her. And that incessant wiggling her tight little butt in everybody's face? I just wanted to grab her and paint it red like a macaque! She's every blonde joke I've ever heard rolled into one skinny package with great teeth!

s - Ummm, I though she was cute.

R - Yeah, I noticed that every time she flashed her meager cleavage in your face. So this Nat finds herself a kindred soul who "speaks Natalie" and such an event is so important to her that she forgets everything -- including her safety and her mission -- for her man! What, didn't that kind of thinking go out with whale-bone corsets?

s - OK, I'll buy the Natalie thing, Rox. But what about Alex (Lucy Liu)? Wasn't she pretty special?

R - Oh, wow, check it out: an Asian Barbie. Brains and beauty both, plus an epicanthic fold -- the complete package. Gimme a doggone break, scmrak! This is a character they're passing off as an electronics genius and a martial-arts guru, but she continually obsesses over being able to cook for "her man"; and, even worse, he's Matt LeBlanc? Her muffins can punch through walls?? Who the heck wrote this script, the ambassador from Homo neanderthalensis?

s - So Diaz and Liu were a bust but, I mean, you gotta like Drew Barrymore as Dylan. She's enlightened, attractive, and she can open up her own can of whuppass on a room full of guys, even with her hands tied behind her back. Ant that Billy Jack "I'm gonna... and there ain't nothin' you can do about it" shtick? whooo-boy!

R - Yeah, but she's also an ess ell you tee! And if she could beat up five of the bad guy's goons with her hands tied behind her back, how come she couldn't beat up that goof that looks like Lt. Munch from "Homicide," even with her hands free? I don't know about you, but the sudden weakness of the heretofore invincible heroine didn't sit well with me! I mean, the woman could supposedly dodge bullets, but she couldn't even knock off those stupid orange shades. She wasn't a wildcat, she was a wimp! Drew's only redeeming quality was that she's zaftig enough that she doesn't look like a refugee from an eating-disorder clinic, something you sure can't say of Diaz and Liu!

s - So I get the feeling you didn't much care for the angel characters. What about the rest of the cast?

R - The mere presence of Bill Murray destroyed any credibility for the Bosley character. I mean, why would the mysterious Charlie -- or anyone -- keep this outrageously stupid bozo on his staff? Geez, I would have rather had Tim Curry in the role instead of that near-cameo they stuck him with -- and you know Curry makes my metaphysical teeth hurt! Sam Rockwell? Crispin Glover? blechhhhh!

And that idiot who kept referring to himself in the third person as "the Chad." Load the deck gun, matey, I've got me an itty bitty orange boat I wanna sink! And I sure hope the captain goes down with his ship!

Give me back Farrah, Kate, and Jaclyn any day!

s - Anybody? Anybody at all?

R - Well, the Kelly Lynch character was smart, tough, and witchy with a "B" -- kinda reminds me of me, you know?

s - Yeah, believe me, I know. Ouch! that hurt!

R - You deserved it.

s - Never mind... How 'bout that plot?

R - I suspect the ambassador from Homo neanderthalensis watched Matrix one too many times. Let's be realistic, here, scmrak: the plot premise and the plot twists were pretty fair when you get right down to it. But the bulk of the script served only as a vehicle for two things: first, getting the Angels into skin-tight outfits (or sheets) with severe cleavage; and second, staging those phony martial arts encounters with people doing backflips over razor-sharp katana and walking up walls. Frankly, I wish they'd go back to Chuck Norris's idiotic wheel kicks [scmrak's note - Roxie has a black belt in Japanese Karate]. And if I see a movie character dodge a bullet moving 1000 feet per second one more darn time, I'm gonna ralph all over the inside of your head!

s - Perish the thought, Rox. Ummmm, I get the feeling you didn't like Charlie's Angels much, then Roxie. Did the movie have any redeeming quality?

R - Well, the soundtrack got me to thinking. You know, they resurrected every sappy song from 1960 to 1990 with the word "angel" in the lyrics, except for one. And that one is the song I most wanted to hear played over the action: "Teen Angel."

s - "Teen Angel"?

R - Yeah. In that song, the stupid chick's dead.

s - I guess you didn't like it, huh?

R - The only thing in the whole 90 minutes I liked was Charlie's 70s-vintage speakerphone. I've got three gross of them puppies for sale on E-bay, and they're going like hotcakes!


And with that, I woke up and went to make certain I'd turned off the computer.

Respectfully submitted, scmrak

Recommended:
No

Viewing Format: VHS
Video Occasion: Better than Watching TV
Suitability For Children: Suitable for Children Age 13 and Older