Plot Details: This opinion reveals major details about the movie's plot.

There have been many bad movies to contain the number "2000" in the title recently. Godzilla 2000 and Blues Brothers 2000 just to name a few, but the main similarity between all "2000" movies (besides the title) is that they're revisiting older themes and setting them in a more recent context. Dracula 2000 is the same, but is successfully horrible while doing so. Seriously, I think director Patrick Lussier (Wes Craven's protege) was, for some unknown reason, trying to make the worst movie possible. Like, if they honestly tried to make a good movie, I can't understand how Dracula 2000 ended up being the final product. It's so bad that I'm getting angry just writing about it.

Then again, I watched it with the knowledge it would be bad. I assumed so to begin with (The title is Dracula 2000. Does it get any more ridiculous than that?), and I have read few positive reviews on the movie, so I was looking forward to seeing a good bad movie, which is one of my most favourite past times. I like a good bad movie, but Drac 2000... let’s just say that it was so bad that I couldn’t even handle it in the context as a “good bad” movie.

This is the plot: some rich guy named Van Helsing (Christopher Plummer) is holding Dracula captive in a coffin in a vault. Because Van Helsing can't destroy the fanged one, he keeps him in a shiny silver coffin in a giant safe underneath a mall. Renegade employees Marcus, Solina, and a goofy band of misfits that include Hyde from That 70's Show (he looks frighteningly like Justin Timberlake of N 'SYNC in this movie. That is the most frightening thing throughout the whole film, unfortunately), assuming that riches are in the vault, break in and only find Dracula's shiny coffin. This is where things get needlessly stupid. They assume that there's riches in the coffin (!?) so they break through a wall and fly away with the fricken' coffin. Of course, Dracula (played by Gerard Butler) escapes and starts killing things and assembling his army of the undead in New Orleans during Marti Gras (what a nice coincidence). Van Helsing, meanwhile, realizing that the Count has escaped, chases after his with muskets and other dumb weapons, like a jackknife shaped like a Cross. He's joined by young Simon (Jonny Lee Miller), and their mission (other than slaying that Dracula guy) is to protect Van Helsing's daughter Lucy (Justine Waddell), who the Count is after for some reason. Also, throw Jeri Ryan in as an undead TV reporter, and singer Vitamin C as another vampire, and you have a movie of Battlefield: Earth proportions.

The movie is funnier than it is scary. When Simon cuts off Marcus' head and it flies into a dumpster, I couldn't help but break out laughing. At times it’s unintentionally funny like that, and is kind of entertaining that way, but most parts are just plain ol' bad. The plot twists are so pointless and the acting is wholly unbelievable, but then again when you're surrounded by a script with lines like "Never f**k with an antique dealer!", the actors can’t help but look stupid, and the viewer can't help but sigh in disgust. The rest of the movie is tripe and fails in all aspects of being a horror film. Bad acting, script, direction, production, plot, plot twists, characters, and basically any other aspects you can think of, including scariness.

SPOILER ALERT
The ending is absolutely atrocious. Dracula turns out to be the apostle Judas Iscariot, who somehow became a vampire when his noose broke while hanging himself. They even include the cliched-to-death bit in a scene where Solina is about to shoot Simon and she runs out of bullets just as she gets a good shot. Dracula ends up dying (maybe?) when he's hung from a giant lamp with the picture of Jesus Christ on it and gets lit on fire by the light of morning. The single worst thing about this movie is that it sets itself up for a sequel, and that's the last thing we want to see from producer Wes Craven and director Patrick Lussier.
SPOILER END

In the end, Dracula 2000 sucks, to put it nicely. It's a complete waste of time that makes you stupider for watching. As I said before, it's Battlefield : Earth bad, and that's pretty damn bad. So in conclusion, DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE. Even if you're a huge vampire movie fan, DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE. All existing copies and film reels of Dracula 2000 should be gathered together and burnt in a town square somewhere. Only then will we truly be safe from Dracula 2000 again.

P.S. If you think my review was mean, you should have seen the stuff I didn't put in.


Recommended: No

Suitability For Children: Suitable for Children Age 13 and Older
Special Effects: Well at least you can't see the strings