Pros: There are no mummified, nutsac-scratching pirates to be found ...
Cons: What's with the 1/2 inch fingernails? A lesbian film? ...
I must first start off by saying that I hate this write-off because it forced me to buy, err, pick up a lesbian porn flick! Damn you Mark and Lacy, damn you! Had the film have been better you would have had my undying praise, I am sure you know this. Well, it wasn?t!
I will begin this by telling you that I am probably not the best person to talk to when it comes to the merits of the porn film, be it hard-core, soft-core or whatever else there might be at the core. My usual fair is to sit back, giggle like a madwoman, and periodically thwap my hand over my right eye and forehead. I suspect that might be almost as entertaining as the film itself or at least more entertaining than this film itself.
Believe it or not there is actually a plot to this whole thing or I suspect that was their intent. Doris (Darian Caine) is a housewife, bored with her life and her husband until she starts having visions of a fanged, (gee, could this be why I subjected myself to this?) ghostly woman (Tammy Parks). Soon she also sees two she-demons (Victoria Vega and Jade Duboir ? I mention these as if anyone is really going to go out and seek out a film by these two jiggly muffins, sh?yeah) having it off in her unfinished basement. Is she going crazy or is she just in need of a little erotic sex with other women? *rolls eyes*
Now, while all this haunting sex with rambunctious she-demons and plump, fanged ghosts is happening at the house, Doris?s husband is going through his own day being shafted at work by a co-worker. No, I do not mean in the sexual way either. His story is really all about some cheesy co-worker that is trying to get his job (need I mention that there was much fast forwarding going on during the viewing of this sloppy, boob infested, poorer than poor excuse for soft-core porn)?
And meanwhile, back at Doris?s bronco-bustin? ghostly den of raw lesbian iniquity, we are subjected to scenes of muff-munching on the kitchen counter (if you suffer from OCD you?d best do well just to stay away), a few crotch shots in various rooms of the house, the oily, if not simply greasy scene between the two overly active glanded she-devils (they sweated a lot), and a few more sphincter-puckering scenes of gratuitous lesbian attempts at oral sex.
Does this sound like a ravaging journey into a fantasy that would make you juicy and hot or rather something to be quickly discarded as the stank that it is?
And, if that isn?t bad enough, this is the special Collector?s Edition DVD! ?What?? I know you are saying to yourself. Oh yes, there is more to this lubricated, lesbian wannabe infested tale of bruised lovin?!
Behind the Scenes - You can subject yourself to behind the scenes discussions of who?s vagina needs to be where for the shot as well as which way should I lean so that this big pimple (or wart maybe?) on my ass doesn?t shine like a beacon for all to see.
Interviews - There are even interviews with the two main stars (Darian Caine and Tammy Parks) in which they share their minty fresh, if not blasphemous, reasons for choosing to make a living using anal sex, gleaming simulated phallus?s, and lots of humid, butter-churning, bump-and-grind motions in an attempt to evoke the creaming of many sorely desperate dudes. Christians beware.
Seduction Cinema Trailer Vaults - Coming attractions for other upcoming films from Seduction Cinema. Films like Santa Claws, Vampire?s Seduction (oh no, I will not be lured again), and Girl Explores Girl.
Mark ? Lacy, I couldn?t do it, I just couldn?t use all of the words. This has been absolutely painful and is shaping up to be a film experience I hope to soon forget, if not seek therapy for. I gave it my best shot and this stain-ridden, blumpkin of a piece is what I came away with. Forgive me. Pity me a little as well. I may need to have many calming drugs pumped into my body in an attempt to rid my now diseased psyche of this ?lesbian? horror.
Lexiphiliac W/O rules are that every Lexiphiliac Participant was required to use the following words in their reviews:
Anal ? Blasphemy ? Blumpkin ? Boobs ? British ? Bronco ? Bruised ? Butter ? Cheesy ? Christian ? Cottage Cheese ? Cream ? Crotch - David Lee Roth ? Discarded ? Discharged ? Diseased ? Douche ? Dutch Oven ? Erotic ? Feces ? Gland ? Greasy ? Hamburger ? Humid ? Infested ? Jiggly ? Juicy ? Lips Liquid ? Lubricated ? Minty ? Muff ? Muffin ? Mummified ? Munch ? Nutsac ? Oily ? Oral ? Phallus ? Pimple ? Pirate ? Plump ? Pump ? Rambunctious ? Ravage ? Raw ? Shaft ? Sloppy ? Sphincter ? Stain ? Stank ? Vagina ? Wart
Participants are soon to be scored (on their use of the required words) and the winner will receive the magic sock! Are you scared? I know I am.
Go to Annexation or Fragglemom's profile page for the straight scoop on the rules as well as links to all of the participants. C?mon, I dare ya!