This here review is part of the I Love You Write-Off Write/Off, hosted by (who else?) Lynus. It's not actually supposed to be posted until May 24th, but I'll be in Dublin city centre by then, so it's best I post it early. The general gist is, we have to interview someone close to us about a subject, using nothing more than pre-determined questions and a lot of patience. The outcome? A hopefully interesting insight into the way a spontaneous mind works.

Anyways, the only person I myself could really interview about a film (for this is my chosen field, quelle surprise) was my brother, Darren, who currently lives in Ireland. I had no idea what film we were going to talk about before I spoke to him.

Hope you enjoy this, because yes I had to ring him on his mobile, and yes I’m dreading the phone bill when it arrives. The things I do for my art. The following is a transcript of our conversation (I passed Shorthand, y’see). I’ve excluded the usual pleasantries we exchanged at the beginning of the conversation, because quite frankly, it’d make for dull reading otherwise, and I’ve also cut out all of the swearing, of which there was a lot on my brother’s behalf, as well as including some factual tidbits in squared brackets. Here we go then:

FILM: Shadow Of The Vampire

Now then, knobhead I need to ask you about that film you saw last night
Which one?

Whichever, I’m not fussed
Well, I saw two. That vampire one and that Urban Legends film

Better make it the first one then
Yeah, that one about urban legends was proper rank.

Yeah, don’t get me started. So what was the vampire one?
"Shadow Of The Vampire" (pause). You know which one I’m one about?

Yeah. So tell me about it
(pause) You haven’t seen it?

Yes, I’ve seen it
So why do you need to know what it was about?

For a thing I’m doing for a website, I told you about this last week
I know, I’m just messing. It’s that film based on the making of the original Nosferatu, you know? There was that myth that Max Shreck, your man who played Graf Orlok, was a real life vampire. Anyway, so John Malkovich plays that Marnau bloke [F.W. Murnau, the director] who goes about making what he reckons is going to make a proper minted vampire flick.

So instead of hiring just anyone and putting loads of slap on them, he hires a proper vampire played by that weird looking bloke from the new Spiderman film [Willem Dafoe], saying that if he keeps his gob shut and just does whatever he’s told, he can munch on this bird's neck [Greta Schroeder, played by Catherine McCormack) when they’ve finished the film. But just so that the other people making the film don’t freak out, he doesn’t tell them that this Orlok guy is a vampire, but a serious method actor.

So what where the best parts?
Well, it’s great the way they actually take you into the film-within-a-film. You know, they’re on set, Malkovich yells “action”, and the camera dissolves from colour into old style film stock, like we’re there watching the making of the film ourselves. That was pretty cool. And you got to admire the balls of whoever came up with the idea, because the main woman in it is seen as a druggie; the director is a proper nutjob who doesn’t care who dies or who he has to feed to the vampire, just as long as he gets his film sorted; and Shreck is, well, a vampire.

I bet they had to start getting permission to make this film about 20 years ago, because some of the stuff they make out in this film is pretty nasty (pause). Oh yeah, and there's a brilliant homage shot to the infamous "shadow" bit from near the end of Nosferatu. There’s a great bit too were he catches a bat from the air and eats it in front of the cameraman, who doesn’t noticed because he’s out of his skull [drunk]. The endings pretty messed up too, with Defoe running around the place like a proper psycho. Funny.

Funny? So would you say it’s a comedy?
(pause) Not really. I mean, there are some great jokes like when Orlok asks the director if he can eat the writer because he’s expendable. And it’s subtly clever how the basic premise is you’ve got this ancient, disgusting vampire mingling with the oblivious film crew. It’s a bit annoying the way everyone speaks with stupid-sounding German accents, though this is probably because they were [German], so it’s okay enough I guess. It gets you thinking though.

I mean, what would it be like if vampires were real? You know, not being able to go out into the light, like those kids from The Others [remainder of sentence omitted because he then goes onto to give away the ending to that film]. I reckon I’d like to see what it’s like being a vampire. Not a bad lifestyle actually. Undead. Fancy it myself, just for a bit and see what it’s like. Get to wear cloaks all hours, turn into a bat and so on. Then again, the garlic thing might be a problem – I like my Chicken Kiev’s too much.

Erm, I think it’s the actual flower that harms vampires, Darren, not the food seasoning
Is it? Oh that’s okay then. I could live with that.

Okay, so moving on what didn’t you like?
It’s bloody slow, Chris. I mean really s-l-o-w. It’s not one of those films were everything happens from the start and then carries on. There are loads of bits were nothing much really happens, apart from people talking about this ‘n’ that and not much else. And the dialogue isn’t that clever, really. I mean, Malkovich says near the end, something like “If it’s not in the frame then it isn’t real”, and you’re thinking to yourself “what the hell is this tosser on about?”. He does get a bit annoying. And Eddie Izzard [as Nosferatu’s leading actor Gustav von Wangenheim] is crap too. I guess they had to make it slow and all that, because it’s meant to be how it really was, but why did they take artistic license in the basic story and not with things like that.

Realism, perhaps?
Yeah, but you don’t always want that in films do you? I mean, what if they had done with something like The Perfect Storm? It’d be 90 minutes of George Clooney looking through the curtains, checking weather reports to see when it was all going to blow over, putting his jacket on and taking it off again, making himself another cup of tea... they could’ve just made things a little bit more interesting or just not bothered with it.

Overall thoughts, then?
It was all right. Carrie [his girlfriend] didn’t really like it, but she didn’t know it was based on a supposedly true story. They made the most of the myth (pause)... actually, I just think it’s weird that we got out two films, both based around urban legends. I mean, that other one, about the slasher was really dumb, but this one used its brain a lot. Two different approaches to the same sort of idea, I suppose. I never though about that until now. So, yeah, I mean, it’s pretty in-depth – all the factual stuff and historical info – but it’s not bad. It’s not got any decent scary bits or proper horror atmosphere, so it’s not really what I’d call a horror film and there aren’t that many funny moments. I suppose it was just one of those films they made because they could and it sounded good.

Kind of like what Jeff Goldblum says in “Jurassic Park”: They were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should.
No. What are you on about?

Forget it, so how many would you give it out of five?
Seven

Out of five?
Out of five? Oh right I thought you said ten... three.

Three. Cheers then Daz
Yeah, no worries. Give me another ring next time you want me to do your film reviews for you, you useless [rest of conversation edited, due to severe number of profanities]


Recommended:
Yes

Viewing Format: VHS
Video Occasion: Good for Groups
Suitability For Children: Suitable for Children Age 13 and Older