I'm glad to know that my Netflix account is being put to good use to help me catch up with old Mystery Science Theater 3000 (MST3K) episodes I missed out on. And let me tell you, I am incredibly disappointed that it took me this long to experience "Hellcats", an old Season 2 episode that definitely has my pining the days MST3K was still on Comedy Central. The SciFi episodes are funny, but they'll never live up to the Comedy Central ones, in my opinion. That, and we still have TV's Frank! Forget the debates on Mike vs. Joel and their hosting abilities. For me, TV's Frank will always be the heart and soul of MST3K and the show was never the same when he left.

For those who are unfamiliar with the series, MST3K is a show about a guy and his robots who are forced to watch really, really, really bad movies by an evil scientist and his evil henchman (TV's Frank!!!). Just listen to the theme song at the beginning of the film. It'll explain everything. And it's a catchy song! I always sing along with it every time it plays.

The Movie
I have to admit, I did not have the fortitude to attempt to watching the uncut, unMTSied movie on the other side of the DVD. I just couldn't torture myself like that. However, I was finally able to make some sort of sense of the plot after watching the MST version over and over again. I think...

Basically, the Hellcats are a hard partying motorcycle gang that also runs drugs for some slimy mobster-looking guy. The blonde heroine's boyfriend was a cop who was on the case and then killed by a slimy mobster guy, so she and the boyfriend's brother go undercover as bikers to infiltrate the gang and avenge the brother's death. On a side note, the tall, thin slimy mobster guy is also the director of the film.

It turns out, after they get to know the bikers, the two discover that despite the drug trafficking, the wild drunken parties and assaulting painters and nude models out in the fields, the Hellcats are just a bunch of goodhearted kids who come to their rescue when the slimy mobsters attempt to kidnap them and take them to... Tahiti. The scene where they doggie pile on the mobsters is quite amusing. Honestly, after reading this paragraph back, I'm still not quite sure if I truly understood what in the hell I just finished watching. Maybe it's best not to question this too much before my brain explodes.

There are also many long, drawn out bike riding sequences in order to kill time and distract the fact that there is almost no freakin' plot to this film, as well! Unfortunately, the only motorcycle scene that might even potentially be interesting, a race between the heads of two motorcycle gangs, isn't even shown at all! Instead, we are treated to two or three minutes (but it feels like 20-30) of the crowd quietly watching the race occur... off camera.

Then, for more incomprehensible action, there's the scene where the brother has to prove his strength by allowing himself to be stretched between two running motorcycles and see how long he can hang on. Also, for some reason I don't understand the drug contact in Mexico keeps some sort of weird negligee wearing junkie who's there simply to whine and beg for drugs. I'm really starting to hurt my head trying to understand it all...

As an extra, fans of the series will recognize the name of the producer, Tony Cardoza, part of the team that was responsible for Red Zone Cuba, one of my all-time favorite episodes. He also has a cameo as the painter assaulted by the rival biker gang. And for more Red Zone Cuba fun, you'll also recognize Kooky (honestly, I don't know what his name is really supposed to be, but I like the bots name for him better, anyways) the biker, from his stint in that film playing Chastain, the tungsten mine guy! When I can actually recognize an actor from Red Zone Cuba on sight, I know I've been watching too much MST3k. Unfortunately, Coleman Francis did not appear to have anything to do with Hellcats. Though, probably that's a good thing...

Overall though, this was an incredibly painful film that I would never choose to suffer through on it's own without the benefit of the MST3K crew.

The MST3K Episode

Though the film itself may be bad, it's badness ends up making a great episode! However, it's definitely not a good pick for someone who is new to the series. The film itself is so painful to watch that it might turn off any potential viewers. A better intro episode would be Space Mutiny, Mitchell or Cave Dwellers, all of which are available, though I think Space Mutiny is only sold as part of a box set.

However, this is an essential episode for fans of the series, especially since the "hero" from the film, Monty, is the same actor who portrayed Rommel in the other biker film episode, Sidehackers. And also because it features TV's Frank! The jokes are absolutely hilarious and I found myself laughing out loud throughout the entire film.

The host segments are also extremely funny, where Joel and the bots take turns writing their daily diary entries. The segment where Joel quizzes the bots on whether different objects are funny or not funny floating is my personal favorite. However, Joel's invention for the invention exchange of the sign language translator is one of his weaker efforts. On the other hand, the riffs were absolutely inspired and turn a horrible film into pure fun.

In the end, I'll definitely be buying this as soon as I get the chance. it's a five star episode, hands down and it gets funnier with every viewing. If only the plot would become more comprehensible, as well. It is an essential episode, in combination with Sidehackers, for any fan.

The Quotes
Joel: What is this? Sergeant Exposition and Detective Plot Point?

Tom Servo: Steve's dead now. From here on in, Steve's death will be represented by the oboe.

Tom Servo: Mass confusion. He must be talking about the plot.

Stoned biker: Roses are green... Violets are red...
Joel: I like to shoot heroin straight into my head.

Crow and Tom Servo: All the Hellcats in Whoville, They spanked their Danfanklers, They blew their Fintoozlers, And cranked their Graflanklers/They whizzed their Gizfunklers, And shank their Whizbanklers, They toozled and woozled and peanut'd Kirktanklers/Even little Cindy Lou Hellcat

Joel: Gallagher, funny or not funny floating?
Crow: Not funny
Joel: That's right. Extremely unfunny.

Tom Servo: They look about as confused by the film as we are.

Tom Servo: You know, a new musical style is introduced every five minutes in this film.

Dr. Forrester: Let's push the button together.

Recommended:
Yes

Viewing Format: DVD
Video Occasion: Good for Groups