After viewing a movie like Hannibal many questions ran through my mind.
How could I write a humor column about it? How can I successfully end a promising career as a humor writer? Well the simple solution would be to avoid writing a humor column all together and write about something safe, for instance dust removal. Although I am sure professional dust removal columnist get many complaints from angry readers.

We at the preservation society for historic dust a very alarmed by your recently featured column about dust removal from antiquarian furniture. We find it very disturbing and sad that dust hundreds of year old is blatantly disregarded as modernist dust. Every particle of dust has a tale to tell. Take the diary from this one particle of dust, 1572: When will I get out from under this white sheet? 1609: I heard a noise down the hall today. I think it’s the door collapsing from age. 1956: It’s such an exiting day! I heard two people talking about opening this as a museum. To think all these people are coming to see me. 1957: They are finally removing the white sheet! What’s that? No it’s a maid! She has a dust broom!

The 02/11/01 article about dust removal from antiquarian furniture sickened and disgusted me. How can you just give the ok to end the lives of innocent dust particles? I hope you can sleep at night because I sure can't.

I am writing in reference to your dust removal article. My great grand mother’s second cousin twice removed was killed during a dust removal incident. You should have at least placed a warning about the hazards of dust removal so family's like mine won't have to go through the pain and suffering again.

I am sure that one of my two readers will be offended by in some way this column but I think I'll write it anyway. What scared me the most during my viewing of Hannibal was the couple that sat near me during the movie. They, in effort to make sure that everyone was clear on the concept of the movie, gave the entire audience a summarized version of the scene that just happened. The descriptions of the scenes became less and less accurate throughout the duration of the movie, most likely because they weren't able to hear what was going on currently during their summaries. Eventually, because I was unable to hear the movie either, I had to depend on their summaries to understand anything that happened during the movie. Imagine my surprise when I learned that exposed brain guy is the jerk from that scene in the basement where Clarice had that thingy that the other dude gave her from that foreign place.

For those that aren't veterans to the series, Silence of the Lambs explores the 'meeting' phase of Clarice's and Hannibal's relationship. The 'meeting' phase of is the classic story of girl meets vastly intelligent serial killer guy in an institute for the criminally insane. Girl and guy have many disturbing conversations. Guy falls in love with girl. Girl was really just using guy to catch another serial killer. Guy was just using girl to plot mastermind escape.

Their relationship progressed to the 'dating' phase in Hannibal. The 'dating' phase is the classic story of vastly intelligent serial killer guy kidnaps girl when she is weakened by a tragic shooting incident. Guy resuscitates girl, drugs her with morphine, and cooks her a really nice meal using human brains. Girl calls police and I probably don't need to explain any further as I am sure that most of the American public has experienced relationships like these, or least the ones that appear on Jerry Springer.

During Clarice and Hannibal's 'dating' phase, which was compromised of one date, Hannibal cut off his hand in a display of undying (no pun intended) for Clarice. I only could imagine what they would have to do for a follow up date, even better yet what would happen if they got married. More then likely the reception would involve the cutting of the ring bearer instead of the cake.

Most experts in marriage (you can usually identify these experts by that fact that no one would actually want to date them much less marry them) agree that a married like this would most likely end in disaster.

Clarice: I smell human liver on your breath! I thought you said you wouldn’t kill anyone anymore!

Hannibal: You misunderstand Clarice, you are merely smelling the deceased from the city morgue. Like the philosopher from 1618-

Clarice: Quit changing the subject. You don't spook me with that history lesson stuff. Whether you killed them or not it's the same thing.

Hannibal: I don't spook you anymore? Not even just a little? I think our marriage is in trouble. A baroque artist depicted a couple recreating their first date to reaffirm their wedding vows.

Clarice: Oh honey, I'm sorry I didn't mean it like that. I don't think you have enough hands to do that. Look, maybe we can go to fair where you can stalk me later. Just promise no more cannibalism.

To prevent angry letters from all those serial killer/FBI investigator couples I must clearly state that not all relationships such as these, end in heartbreak. Some end with heart removal and a little seasoning. Others end with imprisonment with no possibility of parole. Either way, do not let this deter young people from calling the S.W.A.T. team to catch the man of your dreams.

Recommended:
Yes