Not to employ an overused comparison that's been beat into the ground, but it's weird how There's Something About Mary came out almost four years ago, and yet these "clones" seem to have only just recently come to the surface in large numbers. Guess people started waxing nostalgic when Meet The Parents came along, then suddenly it hit them.

Let me make it easy for you. If you're a parent, and you have a child under 17 that you're considering taking to see this movie, here's a complete set of directions to insure the best results.

Don't.

Some of the "special effects", if you can call them that, are so astoundingly gross that if this Epinion makes even half the Income Share that "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" did, then I can finally let go of any doubt I ever had that something was just "wrong with this picture".

Have you ever witnessed a scene from a movie that was entirely beyond grotesque, but still managed not to actually show what was going on as it was happening? Well, with "Freddy Got Fingered" you get to see it all, my man. And sometimes the scenes were so blatantly nonsensical, I couldn't help but laugh. Tom Green is riding in his car down a lonely country road, for one. Suddenly he looks to his right and sees a horse with its 18 inch Schwartz hanging down in all its glory. What does he do? Well, first he screams like he's seeing a ghost, which I find insanely funny for some unexplainable reason. Then he spins around, runs up and starts... well, making the horse's day a little better, so to speak. Some time later, he does the same thing to an elephant, only this time the thing blows his load all over Green's father. The only funny part of that scene was when they showed the elephant's face. You think that's bad? They actually had the balls to work their magic into a birth scene, too. It's tolerable until Green, too proud to call a real doctor I reckon, finally gets the baby in his hands, and swings it around by its own lifeline like a tether ball with no life whatsoever, splashing leftover blood all over the place. Then they try to follow it up by showing the mother holding her newborn baby with some celestial stringy sweet music in the background. Sorry, fellas, it's way too late for redemption now. These three scenes alone make "Scary Movie" look like some kind of Amish flick.

Green's wheelchair-bound girlfriend is easy on the eyes, but dog gone if she doesn't just add to the one-dimensional-ness (There's another "ness" word for ya) of the whole group of characters. Let's see, she flips creamers when she's bored, her record of successful flips in a row is 7, she is a strong-willed rocket scientist, she gets turned on by having her legs flogged, and she likes to give blow jobs. WHOA!! Just when you think a genuine romantic moment is in the works, you're wrong. Green comes upon a helicopter and presents her with precious jewels on the roof of a building, and she says to him, "I don't want precious jewels, I don't want anything else..." (romantic music swells) "... I just want to suck your c%ck!"

As for a plot, well, let's see. Green is apparently a 28-year old guy still living in his parents' basement. He's a bit on the loony side, but hey, aren't we all? So that can slide, but not even the fact that I am 25 and still living with my Dad helped me to identify with him any. Sure, there's the occasional moment throughout the movie where they get to talking about following your dreams and it gets you to thinking "Yeah, if he can do it then I should too." But by the time he finally gets around to pursuing that dream, you've been put through so many totally unrelated comedic scenes that you hardly even give a finger lick what happens. When he finally does get his million dollars, he uses it all just to move his father's house into the middle of Pakistan while he's sleeping. All because of one little comment he makes about Green being such a loser that if he had lived in Pakistan he would have been sewing soccer balls from the age of four. Is this "Freddy Got Fingered" or "Dumb Fingered Dumber"?

Speaking of which, I'm sure you're just dying to know where that title comes from. I get this flashback to the sixth grade, when there was a popular book going around called "There's a Boy in the Girl's Bathroom!". I never actually took the initiative to read it, but I recall a couple of girls talking about it one day, and saying that the story itself didn't have anything to do with a boy being in the girls' bathroom, but that that was just something that happened in one little part of the book. Well, the same is true for this movie. Freddy is Green's younger brother, and in desperation to get even with his father, Green accuses him of "fingering Freddy". So Freddy gets thrown in a center for sexually abused children. Later on, the father is somehow back home again, arguing with Green, and Green says "F@#! you", to which his father says "You wanna f@#! me? Well come on, baby." Pants come down, hand slaps against cheek a couple times, and the mother catches him at that moment, quite conveniently. So she leaves. None of this, I might add, has anything to do with the story. But I guess there's no way it could since there really is no story. It's really just a bunch of comedic sequences, held together loosely by a real chewed up gumball of a story.

I think it's a lot tougher to make bad movies than it is to make bad music. For one thing, no matter how bad a movie is, you still get something to see, in addition to something to hear. And oftentimes, movies are accompanied by music anyway. That's why it's so rare for me to walk out of the movie theater feeling less enlightened and more like I just sat down and listened to another Hollywood joke off.

Near the end of the flick, there is a crowd gathered around, cheering on Green, some of them holding posters with encouraging messages on them. One of the posters, however, says "When the f@#! is this movie going to end!?!?" Definitely one of the most original and funny parts of the entire movie. But even right there, you've got your proof that not only was it a bad movie, but the creators knew this, even as they were putting it together. You asked for one star, you got it, baby.

Recommended:
No

Suitability For Children: Not suitable for Children of any age