There's a few "grandfather" sayings that are on my mind today. "Hindsight is 20-20" is one. "If only I'd known then what I know now", that's another. But perhaps the one thing my grandfather ever said to me that adequately describes the way I feel right now is this; "I swear, just what on Earth was I thinking?". What a great question.

As I sit here staring at this computer screen, trying to recover from the approx. 90 minutes of torture that is Tom Green's "comedy" movie Freddy Got Fingered, I find myself asking that same question. What on Earth could I have been thinking when I rented this? Freddy Got Fingered is undoubtedly one of the 3 biggest wastes of time and film I have ever had the misfortune of watching, one painful step below the dreadfully horrid Howard The Duck, but not quite as low on the list as the mind-numbing piece of nothing that is Vanilla Sky (sorry, Tom Cruise fans). In Freddy Got Fingered, Tom Green finds a way to combine his inability to act, his inability to be funny, and his knack for being downright annoying, and manages to create something even worse than "The Tom Green Show".

The story:

Tom Green plays Gord, a 28 year old wannabe cartoon animator who still lives at home with his mom and dad. Eager to go out on his own and become a famous animator, Gord strikes out to California where he takes on an "in the meantime" job making cheese sandwiches. In his quest to become a famous animator, he manages to irritate and annoy everyone in his path, including the head of a major animation company, his father, the owners of a horse ranch, his real life wife (Drew Barrymore, playing the secretary of the previously mentioned head of animation company), everyone who has ever known or heard of Tom Green, and most importantly, ME!! This is a story that once had promise, and possibly would have made a decent movie had Tom Green not been the star. Green has only one talent, and that is to be shocking and disturbing. While that may work on a 30 minute TV show, that behavior alone is not enough to carry an entire movie.

The "alleged" comedy:

While Tom Green does have the ability to shock and disturb almost anyone, he simply does not have the ability to be funny. In one scene, Gord's best friend falls and breaks his leg while skateboarding and Gord, for no sane reason, gets down and licks the bone that is now sticking out of his friend's leg. Gross: 1 - Funny: 0.
The next day Gord visit's the same friend in the hospital, and finds the friend sharing a room with a pregnant woman. Gord, again for no sane reason, helps the woman deliver the baby, chews through the cord, and then proceeds to swing the baby through the air by the remaining cord, sending blood flying everywhere. Also along the way, Gord also manages to play with the personals of both an elephant and a horse, he uses a giant salami to offend the old ladies working at the cheese sandwich factory (use your imagination, you know what he does with it), he lies about a woman being dead just to meet her husband, he plays a piano with sausage tied to his fingers, and he gets his little brother thrown into a center for sexually abused children when he accuses his dad of fingering little Freddy (although Freddy is 25 years old). I'm sure that all of this sounds pretty stupid just reading it, but trust me, it's worse when you watch it. There is not one thing funny about this entire film, besides the fact that it actually got made in the first place.

The good:

This should be a short paragraph, since there wasn't much good about this film. I will give props to Rip Torn, who plays Gord's father. He was about the only thing mildly entertaining in this whole bore-fest, playing an over-the-top, high strung, and violent father. Also good was the character of Gord's little brother Freddy. I don't know the actor's name, but it was the guy who had sex with Stifler's mom in American Pie 1 & 2. I can also give massive, super huge props to Shaquille O'Neil, who risked losing all his name value and popularity by having a cameo in this incredible pile of garbage.

A message for Mr. Tom Green:

Please, for the sake of Drew Barrymore and any children that may have the rotten luck of being born to you, invest your money wisely. After this movie, you may not be recieving many more chances to star in your own film. With any luck, you can keep riding your wife's coat tails and land a few minor roles in her films (like Charlie's Angels). If by chance you ever manage to star in another movie, don't treat it like a joke. This isn't free television anymore, and you're ripping off all the people who paid to see this movie based on what they saw on your MTV show. Maybe it worked for some people then, but now your act is old, tired, and unfunny. Take a cue from Jim Carry, learn how to act and stop relying on your facial expressions and you off beat comedy style. Maybe then you can make the transition to movie star, and no longer be viewed, by an ever-growing number, as the no talent hack you have chosen to be.

All in all, this was a pretty rotten film, a complete waste of 4 bucks, and more importantly a waste of 90 minutes of my life that I'll never be able to get back. I recommend Freddy Got Fingered to no one, not even Tom Green fans. This movie is not worth your time or your money.


Recommended:
No

Viewing Format: DVD
Video Occasion: None of the Above
Suitability For Children: Not suitable for Children of any age