Plot Details: This opinion reveals major details about the movie's plot.

I have been dying to see this movie since the first promotional pictures started appearing in magazines. A medieval movie with accurate costumes and dirt? I’m there. And there I was on the first day it showed holding my breathing and hoping that the preview I had watched and the commercials I had seen had misrepresented the movie.

And they hadn’t.

Maybe you haven’t noticed, but I’m a bit of a history buff. Medieval history. Particularly the Plantagenets, but beggers can’t be choosers. Unfortunately, it means that when I watch one of these movies I am acutely aware of anachronisms and can be counted on to look up more later. I didn’t have to look hard.

But let me start with the things that are right.
The sets are beautiful, possibly a bit cleaner than realistic (the sets in Stealing Heaven were as close to perfect as I have ever seen.) The aerial shot of London was very nice. Cheapside in the rain with it’s houses lurching against one another. Ahh.

The costumes (mostly) are accurate. The squires are wearing loose pants and a loose shirt. The same set. Every day (until their fortunes improve.) This is something that Hollywood consistently screws up and I was pleased to see it done right here.

That was a short list wasn’t it?

What’s wrong (anachronistically)
Chaucer was in royal service from the time he was 20 until his death. He was never walking down a road naked because of gambling debts. He also sits in the presence of Prince Edward. He could have been beheaded for that. In the movie, Edward had a sword in his hands when Chaucer was sitting down and due to his being known as a kind of crabby guy probably would have cut Chaucer off in the spring of his career.

Joycelyn wears a dress at one point through which you can clearly see her breasts. No nipples, but breasts.

Joycelyn is a post 60’s feminist. Interesting trick, wouldn’t you say? Now not all women were cowed and silent creatures in the Middle Ages. Joan of Arc wasn’t the only woman to take the sword, but it would never occur to a woman (or a man of less than royal birth) to YELL AT A PRIEST. Joycelyn also wanders around without an escort and that’s just a good way to get kidnapped and raped in the Middle Ages.

Joycelyn has black hair, swarthy skin, and a big mole on her face. The Medieval ideal woman was as blond as possible, pale and free of imperfections. This actress would make a wonderful Joanna should anyone ever decide to film Here Be Dragons. But Joanna was beautiful to the Welsh, not the Normans. She would not have been competed for unless she was worth a lot of money. (And while I’m on the subject of appearances, what was going on with the topiary hairdos? Middle Ages, time of braids and twists and circlets and they did that to her hair. Now she really looks like a freak.)

There was no disco dancing in the Middle Ages.

William should have been beheaded for impersonating nobility.

What’s wrong (as a movie)
There’s no plot. There are 2 clichéd story lines (boy meets girl and poor boy does well,) but no real plot.

The soundtrack is the most mismatched thing I can imagine. "The Boys Are Back In Town," AC/DC, "We Will Rock You." When, in the opening scene, the audience started singing along and pounding out the rhythm to "We Will Rock You" we almost walked out.

The dialogue doesn’t sit still. Characters swing from stiff and awful Middle English to stiff and awful American slang. Hello?

There is no chemistry between the main characters. The only relationship I could identify was between Chaucer and Wat and they hated each other. The villain, Count Adhemar, was worthless. His greatest contribution to this was explaining how jousts are scored.

As we were leaving the theatre my husband said "You know, that movie would have been a lot better if I’d been wearing earplugs."


Recommended: No

Suitability For Children: Not suitable for Children of any age